Phils Phun

111
Hot weather continues with those in South Australia sweltering this week

Extremely touching and thought provoking!!

I found this beautiful Aussie Summer poem
and thought it might be a comfort to you.
It was to me and it's very well written;
I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature
I've seen in quite a while....
'An Aussie Summer ' a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

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Stone the flamin crows mate!!
Its blooody hot mate

You're A Texan If...
1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, Sabine, San Antonio, Burnet, Boerne, Nacogdoches, Mexia, Waco, Amarillo, and Waxahachie.
2. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
3. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
6. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You measure distance in minutes.
8. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit
11. You know cow-pies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has had a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
15. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol; a Ford F350 4x4 is.
17. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressin'.
18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
19. You actually understand this and you are "fixin' to" send it to your friends.
20. Finally, you are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

A couple of good old boys
Cat Fishing in the Mississippi

thanks to Steve Mulvaney

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older.

The first guy said “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.”
“What do you mean?” asked the second guy.
“Well,” replied the first. “I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed,

but my wife is healthier than ever!”

“Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered.

“Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get these terrible headaches.” he answered.

“Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years.”

CARTOONS [Misc]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch,

they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,

“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,

I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, noLess.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister

a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph Office, and says,

“I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck

and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her,

then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises

that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says,

“I want you to send her the word “comfortable.”
The operator shakes his head

“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer

to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch

if you send her just the word “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde.

The word is big.

She’ll read it very slowly…

“Com-for-DA-bul.”

Arab sex

A guy from a Muslim country was bragging that in HIS country

there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one."

"Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?"

"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . ."

"Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"

Aussie Beer

Carlton Draught Beer ad

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,

charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip toTownsville.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus,

and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,

having a great time,

when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear,

staring straight ahead at the road,

clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
the brunette asked, “What the heck’s going on up here?
We’re having a great time downstairs!”
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered…
“YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!?!”

Albino Koala

Some funny signs

Hamish and Dougal are sitting in the pub discussing Hamish’s forthcoming wedding.
“Ach, it’s all going grand,” says Hamish.

“I’ve got everything organized already:

the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”
Dougal nods approvingly.
“Heavens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Hamish.
“A kilt?” exclaims Dougal.

“That’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that. And what’s the tartan?”
“Och,” says Hamish,

“I imagine she’ll be in white.”

Inexplicable behavior

There was a young Scottish lad named Angus who decided to try life in America.

He found an apartment in a small building and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen

to see how her son was doing in his new life.

"I'm fine," Angus said,

"But there are some really strange people living here in America.

One woman cries all day long, another lies on her floor moaning,

and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time."

"Well, ma wee laddie," says his mother,