Sunday, May 25, 2008

132

Whingeing Pom
CHOOSE YOUR BAIT
David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times
and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try.
On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another.
He had to know The Secret.
"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed.
"Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."
David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.
The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck.
Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish.
"Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought David.
It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal.
He left, willing to give the lake one more try.
On the third day, David still had no luck.
As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right.
David wanted to confirm what he already knew.
"Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.

Stolen fromMiss Cellania

Todays Cartoons....Dogs


















Professional Dog



DO YOU THINK TOO MUCH?
It started out innocently enough.
I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up.
Inevitably though, one thought led to another,
and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself -
but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me,
and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job.
I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Ayn Rand and Murray Rothbard.
I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,
"What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either.
One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.
She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.
One day the boss called me in.
He said, "Joe, I like you, and it hurts me to say this,
but your thinking has become a real problem.
If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said,
"and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.
"You think as much as college professors,
and college professors don't make any money,
so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with BBC 4 on the radio.
I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open.
The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,
whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line.
It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today:
a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video;
last week it was "Big Brother."
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today, for example, I joined the Liberal Party.




Support the system that supports you
On the dole [and proud of it]





Bill Clinton's letter to John Hinckley

For those of you who may not be completely aware of John Hinckley,
who he is, what he did, and why, here's a little history.
John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man
who shot President Reagan many years back.
John was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster,
and extremely jealous as well, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster
to the point that to make himself known to her,
attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

With that in mind...the staff at the mental facility treating John Hinckley
reports intercepting the following letter from Bill Clinton:


To: John Hinckley
From: Bill Clinton

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased
we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness,
we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion
and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against
you for shooting President Reagan.
We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain
could have driven you to such an act of desperation.
Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery
and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,

Bill & Hillary Clinton

PS: Barack Obama is srewing Jodie Foster.








Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street
when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first,
but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves
and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors,
she decides to be kind and tells them:
"The first one who can use the words liver and cheese
together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says,
"I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish, said the Poodle.
That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said:
"How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever
."My, my, " said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless.
That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says:
"How about you?"
The last of the three is a handsome exiled Cuban dog.
He gives her a big smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab
and says, in broken English,
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."






Tree hugging not so good
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land
so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground
and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter
and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience
and then told her to go into the examining room
and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded,
"What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management
before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I'm sorry, but they turned me down."












One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money
and asked the people to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed,
the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation
and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much
and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,
pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,
"I'll take........ Him, and him and him.


Music
One of Australia's most popular groups in the 60's were the Delltones
Ihave posted this before , but its well worth another run
The Delltones....Get a little dirt on your hands


Feeling old???







1 comment:

J said...

hey david, here is that site i was talking about where i made the extra cash this summer, it's pretty cool... anyway,
check it out ..