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The importance of pronunciation

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.

My fellow students and I had little money for meals,

so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex.

We often took our breaks in the kitchen,

and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats

they had brought for patients.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me,

"Would you eat this up, love?"

Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb.

Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked,

"Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"

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Never drive in the bus lane

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This cartoon is for my good fiend Bunk over @Tacky Raccoons
Smile Mate!!!!!!!!!!!
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NO Baby Talk
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use ‘Big People ‘ words,’ she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend.

‘I went to visit my Nana’.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!’
She then asked Mitchell what he had done

‘I took a ride on a choo-choo’.

She said. ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words’.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?

‘I read a book’ he replied.

‘That’s WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said.

‘What book did you read?’

I love this….. ............

Alex thought real hard about it,

then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said……

‘Winnie the SHIT.’

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Croc found in swimming pool:

"Karen Sanderson, 40, had just jumped into the family's 5m saltwater pool

in Darwin's rural area on Monday night,

when her husband Steve noticed a dark shape resting on the bottom.

"He was obviously a croc -

you could see his teeth hanging out the side of his mouth when he had it shut,''

Mr Sanderson, of Noonamah, said.

This is the third time in about two weeks that salties

have been sprung lurking in Top End pools.

Mrs Sanderson jumped out of the pool pretty quick.

But in typical Territorian fashion,

she decided the heat was worse than a bite from the 1m intruder, and got back in.

"She realised he wasn't moving, so ...

she had a bit of a swim around for five minutes,''

Mr Sanderson said. But the beastie was well and truly kicking -

as the Sandersons discovered when their eight-year-old son Angus

prodded the reptile with a pool broom.

All of a sudden he did that body bend snap and really banged the pole,'' Mr Sanderson said. Parks and Wildlife croc handlers arrived to bundle the toothy visitor away."

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Rudd the Dud

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Music

Zucchero and Pavarotti......Va Pensiero

Brillant video ...who said Iwas a musical cretin??

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Cartoons......Doctors

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Chinese proverbs

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs

.Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

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In the case of an emergency

Pretend to be blind

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Playing Cricket in Church
It’s Harvest Sunday at a small village church in rural England,

and the vicar is organising his annual harvest service,

where people bring their home-grown plants and vegetables to the service.
But this year is different.

The local village cricket team has just won their league,

and the village is in celebratory mood,

so the vicar decides to do something special -

he will combine the normal harvest service with a cricket theme.
The day of the service arrives, and the church is filled with flowers.

People are bringing in their offerings of vegetables,

and in the middle of the display is a cricket wicket;

a strip of turf with a set of wooden stumps at each end,

and people are laying their offerings on the wicket.
Everything is going fine,

until one lady comes up to the front of the church,

and places a bag of frozen peas among the other vegetables,

but she is stopped by the vicar, so she returns to her seat,

still clutching her peas.
“What happened?” asked the lady she’s sitting next to.
She shrugs her shoulders, and says,

“There’s no peas for the wicket."

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man,

clutching a clipboard and yelling,"You sign, you sign, here!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement

when the Japanese man starts to yell louder."You sign! You sign here!"

Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke.

Get lost!" and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back,

with a huge truck full of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign! here"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now,

so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting:

"Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!"

then slams the door in the Japanese man's face again.

The following day Nelson is resting,

and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again.

Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard

under his nose, shouting"You sign! You sign here!"

Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors.

Nelson loses his temper completely,

picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him,

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?

You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard,

And says:

"You not, Nissan Maindealer

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