Sunday, December 14, 2008

188







Guess who????





Its Santa's helper

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Sponsor an Executive





stolen from Sandee @Comedy Plus





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A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of,
old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible
and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a man who said,
"Preacher, much to my chagrin, my wife smokes cigarettes.
I don't think you’re going to find THAT mentioned in your Bible!"
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere
and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service,
the preacher called the man aside and showed him a passage from
Genesis 24:64 (KJV) which read
,"When Rebekah saw Issac, she lighted off the camel."


Cartoons







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Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet.
Jerry asks, "What iswrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did.""How?""He punctured my condoms!"
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Todays "Life" lesson
Inspiring story .....[click on link]
Make sure you read it all to get your life's lesson
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Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig.
You'd never know if you weren't told - it's a perfect fit.
Anyway, down in the world of fire and brimstone one guy did find out,
and he decided to have a little practical joke.
So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons and manages
to get all the way into Satan's bed chamber,
whereupon he steals the hair-piece and makes good his escape.
Well, of course the Devil was most displeased by this,
and he rounds up his demons,
and demands to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past them. Naturally, none of them owns up, which makes him even madder:
So he calls a general meeting of everyone the underworld: everyone has to attend.
The meeting is held in a huge cavern, and it's absolutely packed
(except for the odd gap in the crowd, where there's a lava-pit or bottomless fissure in the floor). As Satan steps up to speak, everyone sees that he's got no hair,
and peals of laughter start echoing out around the hall.
The devil bellows at them to be quiet, and a deadly hush falls.
"Whoever stole it," he shouts, "had better return it immediately!"
And here he paused for effect...
"Or else there'll be Hell Toupee!"


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There was an old coal miner who loved to paint.
Sadly, he could not afford canvases.
But he found a solution.
He would paint on the walls of his house.
They soon became covered with his paintings.
One day, a group of wayward youths broke in and defaced the paintings.
The youths were soon apprehended and arrested for ...
... corrupting the murals of a miner.


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Pun Toons





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Christmas Lights
Amazing Grace Techno


stolen from Sandee @Comedy Plus

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Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy,
the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake,
which might happen pretty easily,
for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now...
Just before lying down on the bed,
she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor,
eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of
the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.
She says... "Awww, honey you're so depressed...
Here, take this and go to the woman next door,
and she will let you sleep with her tonight...
But remember that this happens only once... Ok?...
Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief,
but afraid that she may change her mind,
he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife
and says with much disappointment,
"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars...
"The wife's face slowly turns red with anger --
"Damn that bitch...
When SHE was pregnant...
I only charged her husband fifty!"
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The human body is a machine that is full of wonder.
This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why
in the heck we were designed the way we were.
-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
-You use 200 muscles to take one step.
-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
-A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.
-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razorblades.
-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to getcirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as asingle cell.
-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half agallon of water to a boil.
-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
-Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before youare born.
-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate,they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
-Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.
At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test.
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Some Cute Bear Pictures








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Oh....to be young again!!!!!



My fellow blogger Gran over at Gran Speaks
has been putting the final scences from movies on her blog
Here is my contribution
Don't be offended its just so funny
Always look on the Bright side of Life ["Life of Brian"]



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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.



9 comments:

Jeanne said...

Hey, Santa -- pretty far from home this close to Christmas!

I love the "Sponsor an Executive" clip below -- I'd be laughing harder if it weren't so true.

Mike Golch said...

yep it it like that.

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Bwahahahahaha. I'm stealing this one. Bwahahahahaha. :)

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Glad you are finally stealing something from me. Cool. Have a terrific day. :)

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Yep, this is a guy with way too much time on his hands. Glad your ripped this off too. :)

Phils Phun said...

G'day Jeanne
Thanks for visiting my blog
You have no idea how hot Santa gets down under, afterall its summertime. Its so hot the reindeers get a rest and six white boomers[Big Kangaroos have to take over]
Smile!!!
Seasopns greetings to you and all of your family
Please send some snow

Phils Phun said...

Gday Mike
Greetings from down under way out west,
Its like that ..no worries as long as you smile.
Merry Xmas and a healthy new year

Phils Phun said...

G'day Sandee
It was a pleasure to pinch some stuff from you
After all..you owe me
Merry Xmas andHappy Boating 2009

Bunk Strutts said...

Phil--

Merry Christmas from UpOver!

No worries, mate, and I'll drum up a slab of coolies for you when you're in town. Tell you where to go, and where not to go as well.

No boomers here... A lotta dickheads, though. (They shouldn't bother you; I put the word out.)

Gimme a holler when you get to the States.

Bunk