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Headlines From 2050
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines

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Golfers with no sense of humour

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It is a known fact that all daughters-in- law have problems with their
mother-in-law.

Anyway... One day the daughters-in- law all got together
and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they
had supposedly done wrong.

A week later the daughters-in- law decided
to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.

The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave.

On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-in-law died.

The daughters-in- law were devastated but one in particular was more
heart broken than the rest.

Everyone tried to console her by telling her
that at least her mother-in-law had died without

any tension between them.

But still she cried.

Eventually when she was calm enough to speak
the other women asked her:

"Why are you crying so much?

Was your mother-in-law that special?"

The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied...

"No, she missed the bus!"
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Cool travel ads

Where does your world end?

This ad speaks for itself

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Here is a link to a game that all you beer drinkers will like

Match the beer caps

Took me 5 minutes 28 [pretty slow]
http://caps.lachoff.com/

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Seeing that 2009 is the International year of Astronomy,

will try and post some good pictures that Imay come accross

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As I lay on my bed, thinking about you,

I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you,

because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night,

and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly,

without any reservations,

you laid on my naked body...
You sensed my indifference,

so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation,

and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Since you were satisfied and calm....

finally I fell asleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone,

I searched for you but to no avail,

only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still shows your marks,

making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...

as soon you appear

I will quickly grab you

and you will never go,

I will catch and hold you with all my strength

so you won't disappear.

Won't rest until l squeeze your blood out and destroy you......
Bloody mosquito!

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Cartoons

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Here’s two funny animated video's featuring two dinosaurs and a pig

to see who can let go the best fart.

Don’t let the fact that it’s animated and about farting throw you.

Sure it might be a little childish,

but hey, every once in a while we need to entertain that child in all of us, don’t we?

And since it’s less than a minute long, what do you have to lose?

Watch. Laugh. Enjoy.

The Pig wins easily




Part two

stolen from Steven Humour

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Pointing The Way
Things were getting desperate for the members of the jungle expedition.

They had been travelling in ever narrower circles for three days,

their supplies were running low

and the helpers they hired insisted on returning to their homes.

Everyone thought that they would be lost for ever.
Happily, one of the natives offered a solution.

He held up for all to see a large jungle insect which looked like some sort of mantis.
“The insect always points North,” he said.

“I will leave you now but if you follow the pointing insect,

you can find your way out without me.”
The explorers were happy to follow the insect.

Indeed, it maintained a steady heading at first and they seemed to be making progress.

Then a day passed.

Then another one passed.

The huge insect began to twitch and shake ever more erratically.
They knew that they were lost.
“Forget it!” one of them shouted in frustration.

“This insect is mad! It’s insane I tell you! It points every which way and we’re lost.

This is hopeless!”
“How can you tell that?” the others asked.

“How can the insect be mad?”
“Can’t you all see?” he cried……

“It’s non-compass-mantis.”

stolen from Archies Archive

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Some poor friars decided they needed to make some repairs to their monastery,

so they opened a small florist shop to raise the necessary funds.

Since everyone felt good about buying flowers from the men of God,

the rival florist across town was fast losing business,

and believed the competition to be unfair.

The rival florist asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close their shop...they ignored him.

Finally, he asked his mother to plead with the friars to close their very popular florist shop.

The good friars ignored her as well

.At his wit's end, the rival florist finally hired Hugh MacTaggard,

the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving...

Are you ready for this?

That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!

stolen from Miss Cellania


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Phunny Punny Toons

Raw Deal

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Gold Medal Lovemaking
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer."
"What does that mean? He putters around?" asked the others.
"No: He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500."
"Does that mean he has to take frequent pit stops?" the others wondered.
"No: Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked,

"Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic sprinter."
"Because he gives you a gold medal performance every time?" the others asked in anticipation.
"No: He's got his time down to under 11 seconds."
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Music

Roy Orbison..... A Mansion on the Hill



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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.