Sunday, February 8, 2009


Whispering Pines

Johnny Horton

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A neighbor had invited some people, including our minister, over for dinner.
On the menu were stuffing, peas, and baked chicken.
As we prepared to eat, we were serenaded by a crowing rooster.
“Listen to that rooster,” said one of the guests.
Glancing at our paster digging into his chicken, the host said,

“You’d crow too, if your child was going into the clergy.”


This is why I don't go Fishing.......This is me

stolen from Sandee @ Comedy Plus
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Must take this recipe when next I head into the outback

Real Camel Toes...make great soup

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Julie luv's parties!
For the New Year Party Julie rented the neighborhood pub
and invited family and friends from near and far.
A few minutes before midnight
Julie announced that, at the stroke of twelve,
she wanted every man to rush to and toast the person that has stood
with them thru thick and thin,
the one that has always listened to their problems,
rejoiced with them in their happy times, got them thru the bad times,
and always listened to them and was there for them no matter what.
As the bells rang out at midnight
all the men rushed to the BARMAN [Bartender]

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An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number,
the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said,
"As your stay is coming to an end,
it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.
One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded -
you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people,
and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game,
and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador
was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality,
until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke,
"Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
He then led the Russian into the room,
the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said,
"These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes.
Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea,
but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.
He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part?
Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal."



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Captain Blackbeard walks in to a tavern and orders
"Ahoy, me hearty, gimme a tankard o' yer best rum. AAAAArghhh!"
The barman replies as he places the tankard on the counter,
"Cap'n Blackbeard, Good to see ye again. But where's yer buccaneers?"
"Aaaarggh," says Blackbeard" Under me buccan hat!!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pirate, just off his ship, walks into a tavern.
He looks the real thing - peg leg, eye patch
and framing his tanned & scarred face two big gold earrings.
"Ahoy, me buxom beauty, " he rasps to the tavern wench,
"I'll has a tankard o' rum."
"Them's might fine lookin' earrings" the wench says.
"They must've cost more'n a few pieces of eight!"
"Aarggh no," says the pirate, "only two bucks!"
"Well", says the wench,
"That's pretty good for a buck-an-ear!!"

Instrumental Hits
Herb Alpert.......Tijuana Taxi
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Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their surroundings.
She took the film to be developed.
After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.
The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry.
The clerk, trying to console her, said,
"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come."

This company had a real superior product in its butter substitute,
but the company went under one time when it received
an order for a million pounds of the stuff.
Some of the employees made mistakes in preparing the product
and much of it was wasted.
They were not able to deliver in time.
The company had not allowed enough margarine for error.
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A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton
appeared on the television.
After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled,
"Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."
A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up,
walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer,
Hillary Clinton appeared on the television.
"She's a horse's ass too," the man.
This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up,
walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar.
"This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied.
"Horse country!"
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Funny Signs


Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an anti-war protester in a train station in Sydney .

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of Australia.
I politely declined to take one.
An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator
and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet,
which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder
as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said,
"Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said,
"Honey, my father died in France during World War II,
I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam.
All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country.
If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your arse and open it."
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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at


Jerry said...

Honky-Tonk Man by Johnny Horton was a big song for him in the fifties. I remember it well from playing it in various and sundry beer joints here in Ft. Worth,TX USA.
Read and enjoy your blog. Keep up the good work.

Phils Phun said...

G'day Jerry
Thanks for your comment
Glad you like the blog
Johnny Horton was /and still is BIG in Aussie

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

I'm still laughing at this fisherman. He's the funniest. I'm glad you liked him enough to steal him.

Hope you are safe from all the horrible fires.

Have a terrific day. :)

Scott said...

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