Friday, February 13, 2009

207






Are you going to finish strong
Thanks Chris and Jo
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A Priest And A Politician
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, the politician was delayed,
so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
and, when questioned by the police,
was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer,
had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled."
The shocked crowd murmered their disapproval of the miscreant among them.
"But," the old priest continued,
"as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had,
indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
"Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," he told the crowd,
still at sharp attention after the priest's words.
"In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession....
"The Moral: Never, ever be late when you're on the program.
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A gathering of snowmen



OOPS!!!!
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A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands,
gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed.
And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more
serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush,
and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said,
"Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

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CARTOONS........Misc






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My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will.
He said, "Will? What Will?
I'm making a list of the people I want to bite
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Instrumental Hits
From the Movie '"Deliverance"
Duelling Banjo's
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A doctor calls his patient and says;
the check you gave me for my bill came back.
The patient replied: So did my arthritis!
thanks Duke
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Quiz.....can you remember
Put a name to the face
Answers below

1

2

3

4


5


6

7

8

9

10

11

12


13

thanks Joan
Answers
1 Max Baer Jethro " Beverley Hillbillies " age 70
2 Princess Stephane of Monaco age 42
3 Hayley Mills actress age 62
4 Dwayne Hickman "Dobie Gillis" age 74
5 Patti Page singer age 81
6 Helen Reddy singer age 66
7 Loretta Swit Mash [hot lips] age 70
8 Donna Douglas Beverley Hill billies age75
9 Brenda Lee singer age 63
10 Cindy Williams Laverne and Shirley age 60
11 Alison Arngrim Little house on the prairie age45
12 Mike Lookinland Brady Bunch age 47
13 Paul Anka singer age 67

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ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with
this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.
Post a Comment

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Funny Japanese Commercial
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A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a Year.
That means, on average,
golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
thanks Paul G
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High Definition Real Cinema [HDRC]
Feel the movie action in your chair

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The Poker Player
Bruce, Robbo and his missus were playing poker one evening.
Bruce accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he noticed Robbo's wife Sheila's map of Tassie
as she wasn't wearing any undies under her dress!
Shocked by this, Bruce upon trying to sit back up again,
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Bruce went to the kitchen to get more beer.
Robbo's wife followed and asked,
"Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by the boldness, Bruce courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500,"
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer,
Bruce confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Robbo works Friday arvos and Bruce doesn't,
Bruce should be at her house around 2:00p.m.
When Friday rolled around, Bruce showed up at Robbo's house at 2p.m. sharp
and after paying Sheila the agreed sum of $500
they went to the bedroom and done the business.
Bruce quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Robbo came home from work at 6 p.m.
and upon entering the house, asked Sheila abruptly.
"Did Bruce come by the house this afternoon?
Sheila answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
"And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out
and after mustering her best poker face, replied,
"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500,"
Robbo, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
Good on him, I was hoping he did.
Bruce came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised me he'd stop by our house
this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!!
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All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.


5 comments:

Half-Redneck said...

Holy crap! Jethroe, Californy wasn't the place for you to be.

Hope y'all are far away from the fires there in Australia, Phil. Keep safe.

Phils Phun said...

G'day Shelley
Always good to hear from you
We are pretty safe over here on the west side.
The Beverley hillbilly's TV show seems such a long time ago.
They don't make them like that anymore
Cheers

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

I'm so stealing this one Phil. It will post tomorrow morning. Bwahahahaha.

Have a terrific day. :)

Anonymous said...

Where the fuck do you find these things. You
re killing me. Seriously. I need to check in.

argos

Phils Phun said...

G'Day Anon
Iwill do my best to keep you smiling.
So hang in there
Cheers