Wednesday, February 18, 2009

209

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there.
When she looks good enough,
I'll go home."
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Ten Aussie Beer Commercials
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This face is familiar

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Little Johnny Want Ice Cream
Little Johnny rushes home from school.
He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream
when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now.
It’s too close to supper time.
Go outside and play.”
Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”
Trying to placate him, she says,
“OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”
He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says,
“Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”
Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.”
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet.
He dons his father’s old fishing hat.
As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table.
He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth.
At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?”
In a gruff manner, Johnny says,
“Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”
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Mixed Messages





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Instrumental Hits
[a bit of culture today]

Wonderland by Night...Bert Kaempfert
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What can I say!!!!!

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Dexter had just returned from two weeks of vacation.
He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.
"What!" shouted the boss.
"I can't give you more time now.
Why didn't you get married while you were off?"
"Are you nuts?" replied Dexter.
"That would have ruined my whole vacation."
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SS Kommandant..Her Fritz von kat

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Father Donovan
Every Sunday Father Donovan,
a preacher at a small church in the little town of Juniper, MO,
tried to make the Bible accessible to his congregation through his sermons.
On this particular Sunday, Father Donovan proclaimed,
"If you ever feel adrift in the sea of life, just turn to the Bible for guidance.
All life's experiences are immortalized in the good book,
and it will help you find your way to shore."
After church Mrs. Francis approached the preacher and said,
"Father Donovan, I don't think every life experience is in the Bible.
Nowhere in the Bible have I ever read about PMS."
Father Donovan had never heard such a comment,
so that night he sifted through the Bible to see if Mrs. Francis was right.
Next Sunday Father Donovan pulled Mrs. Francis aside after church and said,
"I wasn't wrong last Sunday when I said that every life experience is mentioned in the Bible."
"Okay, Father. Where does it say anything about PMS?"
Father Donovan opened up his Bible and showed her a passage that read:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

stolen from Sandee @Comedy Plus

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Today's Cartoons.














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Invisible creatures on your body


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Dogs as well


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Paddy was looking for work,
and his mate told him that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths.
Paddy went to see the bloke, and said,
"My mate tells me your looking for someone to work here."
"Yes, that's right." said the Blacksmith,
"Can you shoe horses?"
"I'm not sure," said Paddy,
"but I once told a Donkey to piss off."
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I want a parking ticket!!


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Misguided Suicide Bomber


stolen from nonamedufus

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Walking the Dog



Walking the Dog



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TOP TEN REASONS MEN DON'T SAY "I LOVE YOU"
1. They don't mean it.
2. They want to get laid, but not *that* bad.
3. Their fathers didn't say it to their mothers.
4. It has become a throw-away phrase.
5. They don't want to be trapped in some long-term thing.
6. They've said it before and found out they were wrong.
7. They think it is much cooler to say it to other men, like Sammy and Frank.
8. It will lead to "I'll marry you".
9. It has become a throw-away phrase.
10. If they say it, their penises will fall off.

TOP TEN REASONS WOMEN WANT MEN TO SAY "I LOVE YOU"
1. They like the words.
2. Girls, at times, think that the "words" are important.
3. They can brag to their friends that they got him to do it.
4. It makes them feel all tingly to hear it.
5. Commitment/Power evil grin
6. He ain't gettin ANY unless he does.
7. It makes up for what a jerk he is the rest of the time.
8. It makes sex better.
9. The woman can say it back without risking rejection.
10. The woman wants to see his penis fall off.


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Amazing Facts N0 5


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All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.






8 comments:

Jack K. said...

As id that will work. snerx.

Jerry said...

Blimey, bloody hell!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Oh Lord, he's even uglier now. Bwahahahahaha.

You crack me up Phil. :)

MaDuke said...

THIS IS RACIST. NOT A FIRST FOR YOU.

Phils Phun said...

G'day Jack. Don't know if it will work, but sure was Phunny
Cheers

Phils Phun said...

G'Day Jerry
Did you like that.
Bloody Hell Alright
Regards

Phils Phun said...

G'Day Sandee
Nice to know that Ican put a smile on your face
Take care

Phils Phun said...

G'Day Ma Duke
Good to hear from you
You are entitled to your opinion.
Ithought it was Phunny
After all this Phils PHUN.
Smile!!
Idon't hear the Irish,Lawyers, Blondes etc, etc, complaining
Cheers