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Just returned from a few days relaxtion in Melbourne and Portland
G'day and thanks to the Leonard's and the Barrett's
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Ihave posted this video clip previously, but its worth another look
Just to put you in a good mood
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Party Animals
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles
upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette.
The rabbit looks at her and says,
"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health.
Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says,
"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health.
Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,
and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot...
The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle,
and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit
.As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers……
"That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours
every time he's high on cocaine!"
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Forest Gump .... in one minute and one take
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I overheard a U.S. Navy pilot trying to impress a blonde in a bar.
PILOT: Did you know the most difficult job in the US Military is being a Navy Pilot?
BLONDE: I guess it is really hard to make the boats fly!
Thanks Duke
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Parking Problems
stolen from..... Miss Cellania
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A letter from a suffering citizen
Dear IRS,
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15,
but all is not lost. I have paid the following taxes:
accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, corporate income tax, dog license tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury20tax, Medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall, but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake.
Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangel, Chris Dodd,
Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Daschle and,
of course, your boss Timothy Geithner ( ... no penalties and no interest ).
P.S. I will try to make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.
Cartoons.........Animals
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, wanted to stop but decided
I'd better get my shopping done.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies
lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me,
and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," she said.
"Yes," she said.
"They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."
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Instrumental Hits
Theme from a Summer Place........Percy Faith [1960]
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Australia's Rob EG .........55 Days at Peking [1963]
Theme from a Summer Place........Percy Faith [1960]
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Australia's Rob EG .........55 Days at Peking [1963]
Two olden goldies with an Australian flavour
Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,
'Julia, I have a great idea !!!
We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.
'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,
We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.
'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,
some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog.
Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub,
we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'
'Right.' Said Julia.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler,
'Right.' Said Julia.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler,
they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
.'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'
Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer
and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink.
The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.
He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath,
shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip.
He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath,
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip.
He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath,
scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in
and lifted the dog’s tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard couldn't stand it any longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd,
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard couldn't stand it any longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd,
'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that?
Is it an old outback custom?'
'Strewth no!' said the barman.
'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'
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'Strewth no!' said the barman.
'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'
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How to go camping with your mates Aussie style
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Mick attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and
had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming annual Innamincka trip
because his missus wouldn't let him go.
After copping "the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks"
After copping "the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks"
Mick left to go back home to the missus.
Later when Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at
Innamincka common the following week,
who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper , swag rolled out ,
fishing rod in hand, and the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here Mick?" they asked
"I didn't have to," was Mick's reply,
"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here Mick?" they asked
"I didn't have to," was Mick's reply,
"When I left the meeting last week I went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.
Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise'.
"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there
"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there
in a beautiful see through negligee and she said,
'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want."
SO HERE I AM
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SO HERE I AM
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Traffic Jam ... not sure where ...maybe LA
Nervous cat
A man walked into a bar and sees that it is virtually deserted except
for an old piano player in the corner.
He orders a beer and, while the barman is pulling it, he says,
"You ought to get some gimmick in here."
The barman says, "What do you suggest?"
The man says,
"I have a cat can play the piano, why don't I bring it in and we can split the profits 50-50."
The barman says okay.
So the man comes back later with his cat and sits it down at the piano.
The cat starts playing Beethoven and people
walking by start coming in to watch and order drinks.
After a while the bar becomes very crowded.
The barman says to the cat's owner,
"That's a wonderful cat you have there, you ought to have it orchestrated."
The next thing the cat shoots out the door.
Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
1 comment:
Bwahahahaha. Now that's funny.
Have a terrific day Phil. :)
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