Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Thanks Gordon
The old Indian wanted a loan for $500.
The banker pulled out the loan application,
"What are you going to do with the money?"
"Make jewelery and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.
Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head,
"How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.
He pulled out a roll of bills,
"Here to pay." he said.
He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in tepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.
When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk,
"What you got for collateral?"
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If Men were pregnant:
1. Maternity leave would last two years...
with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch
3. Natural childbirth would become
4. Morning sickness would rank as the
nation's #1 health problem.
5. Children would be kept in the hospital
until toilet trained.
6. Sons would have to be home from
dates by 10:00 PM.
7. Restaurants would include ice cream
and potato chips as main entree's.
8. Women would rule the world.

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Be Good To Your Nurse
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it,
he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough
so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence:
'Get well soon...from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week

stolen from Shelleys Snippets

Powerful Binoculars

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stolen from - in fun we trust!


stolen from nonamedufus
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4th Grade Biology
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand.
"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.
"The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began,
"I was in the backyard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door
got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back,
went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss and before he could say Shit,
the Rottweiler ate him!”
The teacher wet her pants laughing.
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stolen from Shelleys Snippets

Intsrumental Hits ....Moon River


Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep.
They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited.
After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar.
They patiently waited until it was close,
and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time.
They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life!
They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed,
and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar.
However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking.
Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two,
and flip a coin for who would get which end.
Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear.
So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory,
Bill thought ...
it was nothing but a catastrophe.

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The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year
.The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest.
I decided we would have an election for a class president.
We would choose our nominees.
They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.
To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members.
We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have.
We got many nominations and from those,
Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.
The class had done a great job in their selections.
Both candidates were good kids.
I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.
I had never seen Olivia's mother.
The day arrived when they were to make their speeches
Jamie went first.
He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place.
He ended by promising to do his very best.
Everyone applauded.
He sat down and Olivia came to the podium.
Her speech was concise.
She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream."
She sat down.
The class went wild.
"Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."
She surely could say more. She did not have to.
A discussion followed.
How did she plan to pay for the ice cream?
She wasn't sure.
Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it?
She didn't know.
The class really didn't care.
All they were thinking about was ice cream.
Jamie was forgotten
.Olivia won by a landslide.
Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream
and fifty-two percent of the people reacted like nine year olds.
They want ice cream.
The other forty-eight percent of us know we're going to have to feed the cow
and clean up the mess.
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Its the Peking Duck I want!
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Mike: Do you remember first meeting your wife?
John: Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter.
I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me,
she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again.
Mike: Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.
John: Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.


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Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Stole this one Phil. Love it. :)

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

I stole the economy one too.

Have a terrific day Phil. :)