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Ramblings of a Retired Mind
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'
I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
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From a passenger ship,
one can just barely see a bearded man on a small island in the distance
who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward."
I have no idea.
Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."



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stolen from Isabelle @Izze's Cognitive Reverie

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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem
can there be greater than this one?"



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Guess what this is

"Foe Foe Fie - Nie Nie Sebin - Foe Sebin Foe Fie"

What do you think it means?

Give up yet?

It's the new phone number at the white house.
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Lincoln and Obama

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois . Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois legislature. Obama served in the Illinois legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer

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Instrumental Hits

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Cartoons....Doctors

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NO SMOKING

Smoking kills 14.000 people every day

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A suggestion box had been put up,

and two workers decided to drop in suggestions.

Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"

Frank wrote, "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom,

and personal secretaries, and new company cars,

and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks,

and an extra three-weeks holiday each year?"

When Joe saw Frank's suggestion card, he shook his head.

"Frank, that is not the right way of getting things changed around here.

You should never put all of your begs in one ask-it ..."


An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked,

bought a mule to farm his garden.

The mule worked well but was almost totally deaf.

So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!",

the animal often continued plowing.

Asked how the mule was working out,

O'Leary shook his head."There was a time," he said,

"when all the neighbors could hear was me singing my lilting melodies.

Lately, I'm afraid,they've heard nothing but my riled Irish whoa's!"

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Punny toons

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stolen from Sandee @ Comedy Plus
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A man had lost one of his arms in an accident.

One day he felt terribly depressed and decided to commit suicide.

He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,

whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself.

I still have one good arm to do things with.

There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no arms.

He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms

and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself.

He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm

if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again.

The one armed man asked,

"Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy …. my ass itches."
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Only in California

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Paddy and Murphy stumble out of a pub at about 4:00 in the morning.

They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it

when alongComes a policeman.

Paddy pipes up, "A'scuse me, ossifer, but I wonder

Could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet."

To whichThe policeman replies,

"Of course it has. It's four o'clock in theMornin."

Murphy then weighs in and says,

"Sorry, sir, but I be Wonderin if the last bus to Galway has left yet."

The officer again replies,

"Of course it has! It's four o'clock in the bleedin'Mornin!"

Paddy then starts up again and asks,

"Could you tell mePlease, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet?"

The policeman is Really irritated now so he shouts,

"It's four in the bloody a. M., and all the fookin' buses have gone!"

And with that Paddy turns to his Friend and sa ys,

"Okay, Murphy, we can cross the road now."

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Q. How can you tell if an Irishman found a $10 bill?
A. Smell his breath.

___________

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"Aye, she spoke without interruption for about forty years,"said the Irishman.

________________
Young O'Donnell rushed into a church,

placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional.

"Father," he said breathlessly,

"I've just shot down two British lieutenants!"

Hearing no response he went on:

"I also knocked off a British captain!"

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said,

"Father, have ye fainted?"

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor.

"I'mwaitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commenceconfessin' your sins!"
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.