Tuesday, March 24, 2009

218


g'day
Photo Editor




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Osama Bin Laden will do your tax return


thanks John S

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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says,
“My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”
He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.
She smiles and he takes her picture,
and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks,
“Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims,
“Oh, oh my, let me get a picture.”
He beams and asks why, to which she answers,
“So I can get it enlarged!”

stolen from It occurred to me


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I've heard of 4 wheel drive , but not all foot drive




An Irishman proposed to his girl friend on Saint Patrick’s Day
and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day,
he picked her a sham rock.

Thanks Duke
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Australian Army Life

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm -
tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed
and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad,
coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs
but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.
You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered
because we've been on a 'route march' -
geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter.
I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why.
The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum
and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did
when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!
All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!!
You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes,
and ya don't have to steady yourself against
the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys
and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy -
it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza
all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got,
and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -
he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders
and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,
but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army -
tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good i t is


Your loving daughter,
Sheila


Thanks Geoff C
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INSTRUMENTAL HITS
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CARTOONS.............Men










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Beached Waylon



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Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland .
Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple
to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works.
He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.
Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police
to investigate him being missing.
They rowed out and found Paddy dead in The punt
beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper'
Said.........................................
Wait for it!
Wait for it!
Wait for it!
OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

Thanks Denis Mc
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That might stop them knocking on the door at all hours


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Iwas listening to our local Community radio station today and they played this



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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel
at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
“Hello, sir, how are you?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked
.“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied,
and again turned back to his book.
“Do you live around here?” she asked
.“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted.
“Do you like pussycats?”
With that, the man threw his book down,
jumped off his blanket onto hers,
tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man,
“How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied,
“How did you know my name was Katz?

stolen from It occurred to me
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2 comments:

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Sham rock. Bwahahahaha. That's a good one.

Have a great day Phil. :)

Phils Phun said...

Well, I thought it was funny
Cheers Sandee