Phils Phun

234

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The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1..
.#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car,
I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going?
I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K.,
I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides,
eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.
We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours.
So you know someone who can post your bail."
The envelope please.....................
AND THE WINNER IS ...
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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Cartoons........Dogs

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Multiple Births
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.

The nurse comes up to the first man and says,

"Congratulations, you have twins."

The man says "How strange, I'm the manager of the Minnesota Twins."

After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says,

"Congratulations, you have triplets."

The man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 Musketeers.

"Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

"Congratulations, you have two sets of twins."

The man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons."

All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place,

cursing God and banging his head on the wall.

They ask him what's wrong and he answers,

"What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
stolen from nonamedufus

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A couple discovers a sado-masochist magazine hidden in their son´s room

:Mother – “What would we do to him?“

Father – “Well, I guess there´s no use in beating him up…”

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Click to enlarge
Thanks Glynnis

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Unforgettable Del Shannon

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More Credence

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This would be bloody handy for a couple of those smelly blokes I know!!!

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Not Quite Romantic Lines
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.

That’s why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?
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Those cute animals

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An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,

'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order

'That will be $9.40 please,'

and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says,

'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,

'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

'Excuse me, mate,

how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the truckie,

'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money

would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress.

'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something,

but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,

the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers,

'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs,

who agrees with everything I say.'
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Wisdom of a Retiree

I've often been asked,

'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

Well ... I'm fortunate to have a few friends

who have chemical engineering backgrounds,

and one of the things we enjoy most

is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine.

Thanks Josie [Ididn't know you were a drinker!!!]
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