Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Crank up your volume
and shake your booty

my grandma and your grandma were
sittin' by the fire
my grandma told your grandma
"i'm gonna set your flag on fire."
talkin' 'bout, hey now !
hey now !i ko, i ko, un-day
jockamo feeno ai nane
jockamo fee nane
look at my king all dressed in red
i ko i ko un-day
i betcha five dollars he'll kill you dead
jockamo fee nane
my flag boy and your flag boy were
sittin' by the fire. my flag boy told your flag boy"
i'm gonna set your flag on fire."
see that guy all dressed in green
i-ko, i-ko, unday.
he's not a man;
he's a lovin' machine
jocka mo fee nane
What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher
on the first day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question.
Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters."


Heart Transplant
"An elderly patient needed a heart transplant
and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, 'We have three possible donors.
The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident.
The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked
and who died flying his private jet
.And, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years.
Which do you want?
'After some careful thought, the patient replied,
'I'll take the lawyer's heart.'
After a successful transplant,
the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart.
'It was easy,' explained the patient...
'I wanted a heart that hadn't been used.'"
stolen from Slavenka and Obi
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Murphy has own nail making business,
and he wants it to be the best in the world.
So he goes to a top advertising agency to havethem create a marketing strategy.
The agency assures him they can create a memorable advertising campaign in a week.
The following week Murphy goes back to the agency
and is shown into a small theatre to view the finished commercial.
The lights go off and screen springs into life.
On the screen is a sunset over a desert.
The camera pans around to a hill and zooms in to the top of the hill.
At the top of the hill is a wooden pole.
The camera climbs up the pole to where a couple of feet are hanging.
It then carries on up to a man'storso, up to his face, and there is Jesus' face.
It then moves along an outstretched arm,
to a hand pinned firmly to a stake bya gleaming nail.
On the nail is proudly emblazoned:"Murphy's Nails"
A caption appears on the screen"Murphy's nails - they'll never let you down"
Murphy is outraged, "You'll get me shut down," he screams,
"That's blasphemous! I'll give you a week to come up with adecent campaign
or I'll go elsewhere. "
A week later Murphy goes back to the advertising agency
and is shown into the theatre.
"This had better be an improvement" hewarns.
The lights dim and the screen leaps into life.
On the screen is a Roman street with lots of people milling about.
The camera then pans quickly to left to see Jesus running
like hell being pursued by two Roman guards.
The camera then zooms in on the two guards,
to catch one saying to the other
"This would never have happened if we'd used Murphy's nails. "
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stolen from Miss Cellania
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Fly takes a vacation

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Mountain Bike
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son
had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over
and gave me $20 to take a hike."

Music with a P

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You take me out way too much!!!
Do you think this dress makes me look too slim?
You looked stressed out, let me give you a massage.
Go out with your friends tonight, you deserve it.
That Pamala Anderson has a lovely body.
No, no you buy me too much already.
A fake diamond will do.
My mother is a real old wench.
What Headache?


No running a red light here

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Once upon a time, in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores
of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap,
and said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I really am.
And then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on
lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't f*&^%$g think so."
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Maps of the World

According to Canadians

Shoe Map

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Some funny signs

It is night and the couple is lying in bed.
When the husband said:-
“Dear… If you really wish I could abuse you.”
She said:- “Oh yes! I want you to…
Abuse me, abuse!”
Then he replys:-
“Then go to the kitchen and fetch me a cold beer from the refrigerator.”

Phils Philosophy

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.


Sandee said...

I loved the fly on vacation. Bwahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day Phil. :)

Bunk Strutts said...

WalMart has been wrongly demonized for employing non-union labor. Keeps the prices down for everyone, allowing the poor to spend less, while providing employment to those in impoverished areas of the country. Win-win.

Phils Phun said...

Thanks Sandee
Glad you enjoyed it

Phils Phun said...

G'day Bunk
Iagree mate, but was posted just for Phun. Did not intend to offend anyone
Take care