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This is what you look like if you survive Swine Flu

Thanks Gordon H
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CHEERS

Stolen from Bunk@...Tacky Raccoons

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Three guys are going on a skiing holiday but when they get to their hotel however,

they are told that the hotel is overbooked

and that they must all share a single room with one bed.

Later that night, the man on the left hand side of the bed wakes up and says

"Hey guys. I've just had a really strange dream where I was given a hand job"

The guy on the right hand side of the bed, hearing this says

"Hey, I've just had the very same dream"

The guy in the middle then says

"That's funny I dreamt I won gold for skiing in the winter olympics.

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Medical....Cartoons

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Willie Nelson and Bee Spears

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Truck driver

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer.

As he approaches the bar,and sees a big sign on the door that says,

"NERDS NOTALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him overand says,

"You smell some kind of nerdy, What do you dofor a living?"

"I drives a truck. The smell is just from the computersI'm hauling."

"OK, truck drivers ain't nerds."

As the driver is sipping his beer,

a skinny guy walks inwearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle,

a pocket protector with at least twelve kinds of pens and pencils,

and a belt that's at least a foot too long.

Without saying a word, the bartender pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him,

"Why did you do that?"

"Don't worry. Nerds are in season because they are over populating this whole Silicon Valley.

And hey, you don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck and heads for the freeway.

Suddenly, as he veers to avoid an accident the load shifts.

The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers.

The scavengers are all engineers, accountants and programmers.

He can't let them steal his whole load.

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts to load.

Just then a Highway Patrol officer comes zooming up

and jumps out of his cruiser screaming,

"STOP!!! STOP!!!"

"What's wrong officer? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure ... but you can't BAIT 'EM!!"

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Lawyers relatives drop in for a visit

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Skeleton Man

thanks Liz

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'Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?'

the suspicious wife sneered.

'No, I can't,' the husband replied.

'I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.

A man lost both ears in an accident.

No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him,

thought a while, and said, 'yes, I can put you right.'

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells,

'You swine, you gave me a woman's ears.

''Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's

.''You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!'

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They forgot..Show her your money

Stolen from..Slavenka and Obi

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For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization

.4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose

.7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people

.23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae-bra?

24. How is it possible to have a civil war?

25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

29. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

30. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

31. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
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Phils Philosophy

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