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Britains Got Talent
Americas Got Talent
Well, so has Sweden
seen over at....Miss Cellania
************************************************Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.
During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all of his fellow inmates.
The warden saw that deep down,
Andy was a good person and made arrangements
for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community....
And he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen
and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards
and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden,
"Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting
is what got me into prison in the first place".
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Meet my mate Chimpy the Hippy
I'll Never Smoke Weed With Willie Again - The most popular videos are here
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For all those Johnny Cash fans
Here is a link to a series of 16 pictures featured by LIFE magazine
http://www.life.com/image/50950250/in-gallery/27492/johnny-cash-lifes-best-photos
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Cartoons...Real Estate
Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting hospitals,
nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation,
a Southern Baptist preacher was making his weary way home.
As he traveled the hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car.
The slow moving car was weaving from one side of the road
to the other in a most disturbing manner.
Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the car
as belonging to a member of his congregation.
"Oh no," said the preacher to himself, "Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again.
The way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered.
I better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself."
Putting thought to action, the preacher pulled along side Frank's car
just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road.
Over the shoulder, down a steep bank, the preacher's car rolled over twice
and came to rest against a large pine tree.
Not completely senseless to the world,
Frank stopped his car and staggered back to a point above the preacher's car.
Fortunately, the preacher had been using a seat belt.
That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury.
When Frank saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car, he yelled,
"Who the hell are you?"
The preacher yelled back, "Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that."
"My God preacher, that you?"
"Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in vain.
It's already bad enough that you're drunk."
"You OK preacher?"
"Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me."
Putting the Fun in Funeral
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Patsy Cline
Lee Hazelwood
Lee Hazelwood
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"First," said the playboy,
"I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.
stolen from Hale @..It occurred to me
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More Cartoons
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game,
whose headgear partially blocked the view,
three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said,
"I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana,
there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men,
and in a very sweet, calm, voice said,
"Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any nuns there."
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vacancies:
"Wanted",
"Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors.
$500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so this bloke makes a note of the reference number
and fronts up at the counter.
"I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number E/784/B46-OP1737AZR2D2."
"Oh, that one," says the CES clerk.
"It's a model agency right here in Melbourne.
They're looking for a pubic hair snipper.
You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathers,
and before they go on the catwalk they report to you
and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing.
"It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks.
It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, that sort of thing.
And you have to get used to living in first-class hotels........"
"I reckon I could learn to live with it," says the bloke.
"I'd really like to apply for the job."
The CES clerk shrugs and says,
"OK, here's an application form and a rail ticket to Ballarat".
"Ballarat?" exclaims the bloke.
"Balla-bloody-rat? What do I wanna go to Ballarat for?"
"Well", says the clerk, that's where they're lined up to at the moment."
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they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want? Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.. Sigmund Freud
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Anonymous
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage." Sam Kinison
"I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't." James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Anonymous
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Phils Philosophy
Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
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