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The Mavericks at Royal Albert Hall
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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
The blonde said,
'Yes, I definately want 25 gallons.I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath so Ican look young and beautiful again.
.'The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?
'The blonde said,
'No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it on my face'.
thanks Paul G
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New York Yankees
A former manager of the New York Yankees once told about
a dream he had in which he died and went to heaven.
There he was ordered to organize and manage a ball team.
He said all the available talent -
Christy Mathewson, WalterJohnson, Rube Waddell, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig,
and many other superstars, overwhelmed him.
Just then the phone rang.
It was Satan calling to challenge the heavenly team to a game.
"But you haven't got a chance of winning,"said the manager.
"You see I got all the great ballplayers up here."
Satan explained,
"Oh, I know that.
But I've got all the umpires!"
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The morning after an all-night honeymoon expert virtuoso performance in bed,
the somewhat amazed but blissfullyhappy newlywed wife
snuggles up to her new hubby and says,
"Darling, you are just wonderful. Last night was simply amazing.
May I ask how many others were there before me?"
After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says,
"Come on, I know there must have been some - I'm waiting."
And "Captain Experience" takes a deep breath and says,
"Hang on sweetheart, I'm still counting."
Cartoons........Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
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Men...They are all the same
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My 1st day employment
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
[a good find for many retirees,]
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone would have sex with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Thanks Josie
Who will win?
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Archie over @Archies Archive will like these
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Archie over @Archies Archive will like these
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Oldie, but Goldie
"On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband,
'I have a confession to make.
I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods, the golfer.'
'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.'
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks the wife.
'I'm hungry. I'm calling room service.
''Tiger wouldn't do that.''Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?''
He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.
'The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
'What are you doing now?' she asks.
'I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food.''
Tiger wouldn't do that.''Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?
''He'd come back to bed and do it one more time.'
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third love making session,
he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?''
No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!'"
Queen of England wears antique sable coats.
She decided to confront the Queen over the issue,
and arranged to get herself invited to an event which the Queen was also due to attend.
So a couple of months later, there they were at a very high class tea party.
Rich people everywhere.
Bo started looking around for the Queen.
Sure enough, there she was.
It was time for the confrontation!
She marched up to the Queen, and demanded an answer.
Elizabeth responded haughtily:
“Some wear old fur to reign, Bo.”
stolen from.....Archies Archive
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stolen from.....Archies Archive
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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe,
as it happens, near Transylvania.
They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.
It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control!
Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail!
The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious.
With her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside,
Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
After a short while, he sees a light.
He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.
He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes.
A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.
My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs.
"I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor;
I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training.
I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,
with Bob following closely.
Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.
Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries,
so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano.
For it is here that he has always found solace.
He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.
His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch,
keeping time to the haunting piano music.
Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat!
He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!
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Car Salesmen
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I was trolling around You Tube when I came accross these
couple of early Aussie classics from the 1960's
Blasts from the past
Barry Stanton
The Delltones
Footnote...The lead siger in this clip Noel Weiderberg was killed
Barry Stanton
The Delltones
Footnote...The lead siger in this clip Noel Weiderberg was killed
in a car crash in 1962 just after the release of this song
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A man wakes up in hospital after a harrowing operation.
The surgeon is standing beside him in the bed.
He looks up at the surgeon - full of dread.
Our man says timidly
"Well, how did the operation go?".
To which the surgeon replies
"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news".
"What's the good news?"
"We managed to save your testicles"
Our man breathes a big sigh of relief
."What's the bad news?"
"They're under your pillow".
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Phils Philosophy
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
2 comments:
That Milk Video reminded me of This Milk Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnJk_v2UPYQ
G'day Bunk
Good to hear from you
Will have a look at it
Take care
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