219

You better believe it!!

Come on down and we'll go hunting
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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar.

"Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre.

"I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible!

At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant.

'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform

five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet.

Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground,

and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet.

Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground.

'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely,

and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate.

"And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning."

Post a Comment
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Economic downturn

[a sign of the times]

thanks Josie

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Architecture

Q. At what time in the construction process do architects tend to get their jumpers caught on things?

A. Snagging

.Q. What is a happy smiling structural engineer's philosophy?

A. I-beam therefore I am.

Q. How to you terminate your contract with an architect?

A. With a letter of dis-appointment.

Q. What do geometry obsessed architects drink?

A. Tea square

Q. Why was the architect in a hurry to get to the jungle?

A. Because he had a dead-lion to meet

.Q. Why was work on the chimney delayed?

A. Because the contractor was at home with the flue.

Q. Why did the contractor falling over necessitate relaying the foundations?

A. Because he lost his footing.

Q. What does a Mexican carpet fitter say?

A. Underlay! Underlay!

Q. Why do engineers enjoy fixing steelwork together?

A. Because it's riveting.

Q. In which Star Trek film did the crew of the Enterprise push the limits of flooring material design?

A. The Vinyl Frontier.

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Post a Comment

Thanks John S

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CARTOONS..........Animals

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A man starts a job at the zoo.

The first morning he is told to look after bees in the tropical house which he does

and by next morning they are all dead.

He goes to see the head keeper, the head keeper says

“right, mash the bees and feed them to the tropical fish”,

he does so and when he comes in the next morning all the fish are dead,

so it’s off to see the head keeper again..

“Oh dear” the head keeper says, “these things happen,

take the rest of the bees and the dead tropical fish and feed them to the chimpanzees”,

he does so and the next morning all the chimpanzees are dead…..

Off to see the head keeper yet again and he tells him

“right, take the chimpanzees, the bees and tropical fish and throw the lot to the lion’s”…

.As he is doing this one of the lion’s says to the other

“It must be Friday”

“Why do you say that?” asks his mate

“Look what’s for dinner”

he says with delight

“Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bee

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He has spoken

Post a Comment




Instrumental Hits

Bonus

Sabre Dance....Love Sculpture

Post a Comment

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A burgler broke into the home of a prominent local lawyer,

stealing the lawyer's Christmas presents from under the tree.

Scrupulously, he leaves the wife's and children's gifts alone.

As he is escaping from the house,

he has the bad luck to run into a policeman,

who promptly arrests him.

He confesses to what he has done,

but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested.

When the policeman asks why, he explains,

"Because the law states that I am entitled to the presents of an attorney."
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A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it

so much that he never parted with it.

He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera...

One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.

On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone!

He retraced all his moves for the day and realised that the last place

he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor.

He raced back across town, but arrived too late.

The body had been removed

and was already being transported to the cemetary in the hearse.

The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket

and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket.

Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket!

It was too late ... the mouse was being buried alive.

Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother

had told him time and time again as a kid...

Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

Post a Comment
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There was a baby born in the hospital.

The odd thing about him was his testicles weighed five pounds

and the rest of his body weighed five pounds.
The nurses and doctors didn't know what to do with him.

The chief of staff arrived and asked

"What's wrong?"

The head nurse replied,
''We don't know what to do with this baby boy.'

' The chief looked and said,
"Well it's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution.

Why,'' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon,

the boy is obviously half nuts."



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Important Women's Health Issue

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions,

ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better

and be more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world

that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately

and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome

any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live

.Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past

and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:Dizziness, nausea, vomiting,

incarceration Erotic lustfulness Loss of motor control Loss of clothing

Loss of money Loss of virginity Table dancing Headache Dehydration Dry mouth

And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering

when you are not..

WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends

over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically

converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

218



Photo Editor



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Osama Bin Laden will do your tax return


thanks John S

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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says,
“My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
”Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”
He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.
She smiles and he takes her picture,
and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks,
“Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims,
“Oh, oh my, let me get a picture.”
He beams and asks why, to which she answers,
“So I can get it enlarged!”

stolen from It occurred to me


Post a Comment
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I've heard of 4 wheel drive , but not all foot drive




An Irishman proposed to his girl friend on Saint Patrick’s Day
and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day,
he picked her a sham rock.

Thanks Duke
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Australian Army Life

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too.

Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm -

tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.

But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed

and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.

No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad,

coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs

but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.

You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered

because we've been on a 'route march' -

geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter.

I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why.

The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum

and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did

when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!!

You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes,

and ya don't have to steady yourself against

the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys

and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy -

it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza

all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got,

and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -

he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders

and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,

but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army -

tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good i t is


Your loving daughter,
Sheila

Thanks Geoff C

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INSTRUMENTAL HITS

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CARTOONS.............Men

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Beached Waylon

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Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland .

Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple

to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works.

He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police

to investigate him being missing.

They rowed out and found Paddy dead in The punt

beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.

Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper'

Said.........................................

Wait for it!

Wait for it!

Wait for it!

OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

Thanks Denis Mc

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That might stop them knocking on the door at all hours

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Iwas listening to our local Community radio station today and they played this

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel

at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up,

placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

“Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked

.“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied,

and again turned back to his book.

“Do you live around here?” she asked

.“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted.

“Do you like pussycats?”

With that, the man threw his book down,

jumped off his blanket onto hers,

tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man,

“How did you know that was what I wanted?”

The man replied,

“How did you know my name was Katz?

stolen from It occurred to me

Post a Comment

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

217






Post a Comment

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Ramblings of a Retired Mind
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'
I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
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From a passenger ship,
one can just barely see a bearded man on a small island in the distance
who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward."
I have no idea.
Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."



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stolen from Isabelle @Izze's Cognitive Reverie

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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem
can there be greater than this one?"



Post a Comment

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Guess what this is

"Foe Foe Fie - Nie Nie Sebin - Foe Sebin Foe Fie"

What do you think it means?

Give up yet?

It's the new phone number at the white house.
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Lincoln and Obama

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois . Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois legislature. Obama served in the Illinois legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer

Post a Comment
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Instrumental Hits

Post a Comment

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Cartoons....Doctors

Post a Comment


NO SMOKING

Smoking kills 14.000 people every day

Post a Comment

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A suggestion box had been put up,

and two workers decided to drop in suggestions.

Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!"

Frank wrote, "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom,

and personal secretaries, and new company cars,

and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks,

and an extra three-weeks holiday each year?"

When Joe saw Frank's suggestion card, he shook his head.

"Frank, that is not the right way of getting things changed around here.

You should never put all of your begs in one ask-it ..."


An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked,

bought a mule to farm his garden.

The mule worked well but was almost totally deaf.

So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!",

the animal often continued plowing.

Asked how the mule was working out,

O'Leary shook his head."There was a time," he said,

"when all the neighbors could hear was me singing my lilting melodies.

Lately, I'm afraid,they've heard nothing but my riled Irish whoa's!"

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Punny toons

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stolen from Sandee @ Comedy Plus
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A man had lost one of his arms in an accident.

One day he felt terribly depressed and decided to commit suicide.

He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,

whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself.

I still have one good arm to do things with.

There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no arms.

He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms

and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself.

He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm

if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again.

The one armed man asked,

"Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy …. my ass itches."
Post a Comment

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Only in California

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Paddy and Murphy stumble out of a pub at about 4:00 in the morning.

They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it

when alongComes a policeman.

Paddy pipes up, "A'scuse me, ossifer, but I wonder

Could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet."

To whichThe policeman replies,

"Of course it has. It's four o'clock in theMornin."

Murphy then weighs in and says,

"Sorry, sir, but I be Wonderin if the last bus to Galway has left yet."

The officer again replies,

"Of course it has! It's four o'clock in the bleedin'Mornin!"

Paddy then starts up again and asks,

"Could you tell mePlease, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet?"

The policeman is Really irritated now so he shouts,

"It's four in the bloody a. M., and all the fookin' buses have gone!"

And with that Paddy turns to his Friend and sa ys,

"Okay, Murphy, we can cross the road now."

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Q. How can you tell if an Irishman found a $10 bill?
A. Smell his breath.

___________

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"Aye, she spoke without interruption for about forty years,"said the Irishman.

________________
Young O'Donnell rushed into a church,

placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional.

"Father," he said breathlessly,

"I've just shot down two British lieutenants!"

Hearing no response he went on:

"I also knocked off a British captain!"

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said,

"Father, have ye fainted?"

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor.

"I'mwaitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commenceconfessin' your sins!"
Post a Comment

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

216




DO YOU HAVE YOUR ROLE MODEL???
...the following exercise is designed to demonstrate to you
exactly who that person should be...
e.g. Hitler...?
Churchill...?
...Archimedes?
...it's possibly a question that you may never have pondered before...
...anyway,
I've just stumbled upon this amazing & fool-proof formula
that will set you on the pathway to fulfillment when you
discover the answer to the question...
...first, you must complete the calculations
and then refer to the names listed...
...so...GOOD LUCK...
& remember, this formula is infallible...!!

...NOW... this important............

1) Pick your Favourite number between 1- 9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3...then again multiply by 3
(I can wait should you need your calculator....)
4) You will arrive at a 2 or 3 digit number...
.5) Add the digits together (memorise the answer)
Now scroll down..........................
Now, using that number you memorised ,
will find the name of your ROLE MODEL amongst these names:-




1. Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. Jacob Zuma
4. Tom Cruise
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Kevin Rudd
9. Phil of Phils Phun
10. Barack Obama
I know...amazing, isn't it...? ...
it's just that I have that certain effect on people.
..& imagine, one day you too can be like me...
and wouldn't the world be a better place...??....
...you know I'm right..!

Thanks Gordon

Post a Comment

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Instrumental Hits
Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen...Midnight in Moscow


Post a Comment


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Caveman Toons









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Retraction
A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue,
explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,
"Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
At once the gavel comes down on him.
If he does not withdraw his statement,
he will be removed from the chambers.
After a long pause, the angry senator accepts.
"I withdraw what I said.
Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


This must be how they got those pictures of Paris [Bimbo] Hilton


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ANIMAL HOUSE
There are a group of animals in a restaurant.
The waiter comes over at the end of the night to collect for the drinks
The skunk says 'Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent'
The duck says 'Just put it on my bill'
The cow says 'You'll have to ask one of the udders'
The deer says 'I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon'
The giraffe says 'Well, I guess the high balls are on me then'

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Height advantage



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This how we got the saying
Being led around by sheep


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Bonus Hit

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Cartoons......with Cars

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A couple of sharp businessmen in New York were dicussing women and one of them,

Sheldon, remarked about how dumb blondes are.

His friend, David, disagreed,

so they devised a test to see if blondes were really as dumb as everyone thinks.

They went to an antique shop with a pretty blonde salesperson

and proceeded to browse at tea sets.

After awhile, they said to the blonde,

“We’ve been looking & looking, but we can’t find any left-handed tea sets.

Can you help us?”

Being quite well-dressed & well-groomed, she sizes them up as having money,

so she asks them to wait a moment

as she thinks she may have something in the back store room.

Sheldon almost breaks out laughing as he imagines this poor girl

searching through everything for a left-handed tea set.

The blonde goes in the back, immediately finds their most expensive sterling silver tea set,

turns all the handles around to the left side,

remarks the set to double its original price and brings it out.

Smiling, she says,

“There you are gentlemen, a left handed tea set!”

The men are somewhat taken a back but under the circumstances

they are forced to pay the exhorbitant price and leave with the tea set.

As they’re walking down 5th Avenue with their purchase,

David, laughing, says to Sheldon,

“See, I told you they’re not so dumb!”

“What does that prove?" says Sheldon,

“She just happened to have one!”


stolen from Miss Cellania

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Secrets of Personal Growth

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself.

The second, to do nice things for myself.

The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 69th birthday.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so!”
False hope is better than no hope at all.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Dream Motel. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I’ll find someone.
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot.
All of the evil that I speak, hear, and see, are pleasurable to me.
The only friend I have…moved to parts unknown.
When counting my blessings, I count backwards from one.
They no longer allow me into the confessional.
The person I admire the most is Elmer Fudd.
I enjoy watching a magazine stand.
Experience shows that people who write, can’t be trusted.
When I am here I wish I was there….and I am.

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Consolation

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

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Duckworld

Duck's revenge

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Afternoon Sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie' with their

8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony

with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all theneighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan intooperation:

There's a car being towed from the parking lot,'he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!''

Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks likethe Sanders are moving!''

Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced,

'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,

'How do you know they are having sex?''

Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.

Thanks Geoff

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

215

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And now for something quite different

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A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do.

My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine.

He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me.

The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly,

'Every glass and plate that you take,

wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

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Cartoons...........Airlines

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A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police.

"Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said.

"I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins.

All I said was I'm dying to get laid!"

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I've got a new car

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Kids...are just wonderful

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Q: How do you tell a brown bear from a grizzly bear?

A: Climb a tree.If the bear climbs it and eats you, it is a brown bear.

If the bear knocks the tree down and eats you, it is a grizzly.


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What can I say?????

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French jokes

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

The army.

How can you recognise a French veteran?

Sunburned armpits.

Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?

Germans like to march in the shade.

Why did it take Germany three days to conquer France in World War II?

Because it was raining.

Why did the French give America the Statue of Liberty?

Because she has only one arm raised.

Why do the French get more votes in the U.N.?

They vote with both hands.

Why is the French fighter plane called the Mirage?

It doesn't exist.

Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

What does 'Maginot' mean in German?

Welcome!

Why is the French Foreign Legion the only decent fighting force in the whole French Army? Because it's made up of foreigners

.What does the new French flag look like?

A white cross emblazoned on a white background.

What's the shortest book ever written?

French War Heroes.

What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?

How to surrender in at least ten languages.

What is the most useful thing in the French Army?

A rear-view mirror, so they can see the war.

Why does Nike like the French Army?

Because in wartime they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.

Why did the French celebrate their World Cup in 1998 so wildly?

It was their first time they won anything without outside help.

Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy?

To see all their other ships.

What did the mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered the city in World War II? 'Table for 100,000, monsieur?'

Why are the French afraid of war?

You would be, too, if you had never won one.

How do you stop a French army on horseback?

Turn off the carousel.

Did you hear about the French admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died?

Five sailors died digging his grave.

What's the best thing about being French?

You can surrender at the beginning of the war and somebody else will win it for you. '

I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'

General George S. Patton.

How do the French advertise surplus World War II rifles for sale?

'Never fired, only dropped once.'

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Instrumental hits

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A Scotsman went into a phone booth and called a number.
Connected, he said, "Mary, my love, will you marry me?

Think it over and call me."

He gave her the number of the phone in the booth.

Hours went by and the Scotsman stood around.

The phone didn't ring once.

Another Scot, watching from a pub across the street, came over and said,

"Look, lad. She won't marry you.

You might as well come in and have a pint.

Not that I'm buying, mind you."

The waiting Scot waved off his friend and continued to wait.

Suddenly the phone rang.

The Scot said,
"Mary's the girl for me, I knew that.

She was waiting for the night rates!"

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He had been working as a bag boy for five years,

so when the supermarket gets some brand new orange juice machines,

he is excited to be trying out a different job ...

but the manager says no.

"But I have been working here for five years.

Why can't I run the juice machines?"

"I am sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."

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A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.

He came back from his honeymoon a chastened husband.

He had become aware of the will of the wisp.

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Some Cool Ads

stolen from Dilidoo.com - in fun we trust!
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

214

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Thanks Gordon
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The old Indian wanted a loan for $500.

The banker pulled out the loan application,

"What are you going to do with the money?"
"Make jewelery and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.

Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head,

"How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.

He pulled out a roll of bills,

"Here to pay." he said.

He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.

When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk,

"What you got for collateral?"

stolen from Big Shot Bob in Texas

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If Men were pregnant:
1. Maternity leave would last two years...
with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch
marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become
obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the
nation's #1 health problem.
5. Children would be kept in the hospital
until toilet trained.
6. Sons would have to be home from
dates by 10:00 PM.
7. Restaurants would include ice cream
and potato chips as main entree's.
8. Women would rule the world.

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Be Good To Your Nurse
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it,

he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough

so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape,

the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon...from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week

stolen from Shelleys Snippets
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Powerful Binoculars

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stolen from Dilidoo.com - in fun we trust!

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stolen from nonamedufus

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Cartoons........Kids

4th Grade Biology
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand.

"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.

"The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,

asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began,

"I was in the backyard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door

got a running start and before we knew it,

he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back,

went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss and before he could say Shit,

the Rottweiler ate him!”

The teacher wet her pants laughing.
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stolen from Shelleys Snippets

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Intsrumental Hits ....Moon River

Bonus

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Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep.

They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited.

After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar.

They patiently waited until it was close,

and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time.

They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life!

They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed,

and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar.

However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking.

Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two,

and flip a coin for who would get which end.

Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear.

So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory,

Bill thought ...

it was nothing but a catastrophe.

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The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year

.The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest.

I decided we would have an election for a class president.

We would choose our nominees.

They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members.

We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have.

We got many nominations and from those,

Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections.

Both candidates were good kids.

I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.

I had never seen Olivia's mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches

Jamie went first.

He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place.

He ended by promising to do his very best.

Everyone applauded.

He sat down and Olivia came to the podium.

Her speech was concise.

She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream."

She sat down.

The class went wild.

"Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely could say more. She did not have to.

A discussion followed.

How did she plan to pay for the ice cream?

She wasn't sure.

Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it?

She didn't know.

The class really didn't care.

All they were thinking about was ice cream.

Jamie was forgotten

.Olivia won by a landslide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream

and fifty-two percent of the people reacted like nine year olds.

They want ice cream.

The other forty-eight percent of us know we're going to have to feed the cow

and clean up the mess.
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Its the Peking Duck I want!

stolen from Dilidoo.com - in fun we trust!

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Mike: Do you remember first meeting your wife?

John: Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter.

I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me,

she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again.

Mike: Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.

John: Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them

and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

213

Just returned from a few days relaxtion in Melbourne and Portland

G'day and thanks to the Leonard's and the Barrett's

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Ihave posted this video clip previously, but its worth another look

Just to put you in a good mood

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Party Animals
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles

upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette.

The rabbit looks at her and says,

"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health.

Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says,

"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health.

Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,

and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot...

The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle,

and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit

.As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,

"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers……

"That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours

every time he's high on cocaine!"

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Forest Gump .... in one minute and one take

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I overheard a U.S. Navy pilot trying to impress a blonde in a bar.
PILOT: Did you know the most difficult job in the US Military is being a Navy Pilot?
BLONDE: I guess it is really hard to make the boats fly!
Thanks Duke
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Parking Problems


stolen from..... Miss Cellania








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A letter from a suffering citizen
Dear IRS,
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15,
but all is not lost. I have paid the following taxes:
accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, corporate income tax, dog license tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury20tax, Medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall, but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake.
Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangel, Chris Dodd,
Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Daschle and,
of course, your boss Timothy Geithner ( ... no penalties and no interest ).
P.S. I will try to make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.

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Cartoons.........Animals

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One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, wanted to stop but decided

I'd better get my shopping done.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies

lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me,

and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," she said.

"They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."

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Instrumental Hits

Theme from a Summer Place........Percy Faith [1960]


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Australia's Rob EG .........55 Days at Peking [1963]

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Two olden goldies with an Australian flavour

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,

'Julia, I have a great idea !!!
We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.
'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,

some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog.

Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub,

we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'
'Right.' Said Julia.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler,

they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

.'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer

and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink.

The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath,

shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip.
He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath,

scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in

and lifted the dog’s tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard couldn't stand it any longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd,

'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that?

Is it an old outback custom?'
'Strewth no!' said the barman.
'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'

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How to go camping with your mates Aussie style
-----
Mick attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and

had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming annual Innamincka trip

because his missus wouldn't let him go.
After copping "the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks"

Mick left to go back home to the missus.

Later when Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at

Innamincka common the following week,

who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper , swag rolled out ,

fishing rod in hand, and the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here Mick?" they asked
"I didn't have to," was Mick's reply,

"When I left the meeting last week I went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.

Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,

'Surprise'.
"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there

in a beautiful see through negligee and she said,

'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want."
SO HERE I AM
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Traffic Jam ... not sure where ...maybe LA

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Nervous cat

A man walked into a bar and sees that it is virtually deserted except

for an old piano player in the corner.

He orders a beer and, while the barman is pulling it, he says,

"You ought to get some gimmick in here."

The barman says, "What do you suggest?"

The man says,

"I have a cat can play the piano, why don't I bring it in and we can split the profits 50-50."

The barman says okay.

So the man comes back later with his cat and sits it down at the piano.

The cat starts playing Beethoven and people

walking by start coming in to watch and order drinks.

After a while the bar becomes very crowded.

The barman says to the cat's owner,

"That's a wonderful cat you have there, you ought to have it orchestrated."

The next thing the cat shoots out the door.

stolen from..... Miss Cellania
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.