300


--------------------------
$5.37.
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes
and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the kid a five-spot,
I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing
anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to
and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied.
I am 48,
not even 50 yet a mere child!
Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering
what was wrong with Emo
. Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?
I'll show him,
I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside.
I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now? I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus.
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard
. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba,
I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it,
deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned,
and I reached to grab my burrito,
only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was,
"Did I leave my food and drink in here?"
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Emo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up
and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words
: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40.
Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer,
I'm not too old to be driving this fast
. As I walked in the front door,
my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.



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Those funny Animals

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Change



stolen from Slavenka and Obi

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Mounties face cutbacks!!

Tattoo Supply Shop -

CanadaCaller: "Yeah, I bought this tattoo kit from you guys the other day,

and there's stuff missing from it."

Me: "Stuff missing? Like what?"

Caller: "Well, for starters, there's no book with it...

and I don't know how to assemble it."

Me: "Book? What book? We don't have books.

We just sell tattoo inks, needles, machines... and assembly?

Is there something not assembled in your kit?"

Caller: "Yeah, it's all in pieces... it's a piece of crap!"

Me: "Pieces? Did it get damaged during shipment to you?"

Caller: "No, it's just a bunch of pieces. There's a power supply, foot pedal,

a couple of tattoo machines..

. but I gotta put it together myself. That's bulls***!

I don't know what I'm doing!

You guys should have assembled everything for me before shipping."

Me: "You want us to assemble your tattoo shop for you?

Wait a sec... did you say you don't know what you're doing?"

Caller: "That's right. I've never tattooed before.

That's why I thought there'd be a book with the kit."

Me: "You mean like, step one, put a picture on the skin,

step 2 dip the needle in ink, step 3 tattoo the ink into the skin?"

Caller: "Yeah, that's it! Why didn't you guys give me

that kinda book when I bought the kit!?"

Me: "So how are you expecting to learn to tattoo?

Are you not doing a tattoo apprenticeship at a real tattoo shop,

where they teach you to do this sort of thing?"

Caller: "Nah... I just figured I'd start off tattooing my wife until I can figure it out..."



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LOL



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One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy

and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed.

After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.

Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside

and began standing on each others shoulders

beneath Snow White's bedroom window.

Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top

and as he was the only one who could see in the window

it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing

.After a minute or two he hollered down,

"She's taking off her blouse!"

and this was echoed down the stack

"taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off,"

"taking off her blouse," etc

.Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt,"

which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt,"

"skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc

.Of course the next line from Grumpy was,

"She's taking off her bra!"

and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower

.Finally, Grumpy looked around

and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods,

so he yelled, "Someone's coming!"

And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard,

"Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too.

-----------------------------------------------
Thank you Susan Boyle

Since singer Susan Boyle (who professes being a virgin)

has been on TV,

there’s been a marked drop in suicide bombings.

Apparently many of the terrorists didn’t realize what a virgin looked like.


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Love Seat
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked."Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.""You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested."Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

-------------------
Honest Abe
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?""Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.""But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep."That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Above two jokes stolen from it occurred to me

------------------------------------------

Indians

---------------------------------------------

Requests


for Ian and Grace C


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A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit,

eventhough he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block

and passed the same spot,driving even more slowly,

but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny,

so he drove even slower as he passed the area again,

but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed

as he rolled past,this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later,

he got five tickets in the mail for driving without aseat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing

whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "

I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted."

I hardly think so!" responded the lady.

"When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years,

she can keep it forever."

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click to enlarge

--------------------------------

AWESOME


-stolen from Miss Cellania

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.