Wednesday, February 3, 2010

301

51 years ago

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The Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan ,

Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up
.Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said
, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!
Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said,
"Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment,
then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said
, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning..
So just do it and be off with you.”
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with
Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side
.His penis was gone, his knees were broken,
and he had no health insurance.
GOD IS GOOD!!

thanks Duke

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RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(This was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils
how they spent their Holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded
and they moved to Arizona.
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass
. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags
because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck centre,
but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.
They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren. ...
. PRICELESS
thanks Joe B

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For all the cat lovers!!


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CLOWNS














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Men's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house -- . . .. .
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence,
painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit --
shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what
and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize
you need to run to Home Depot
to get something to help complete the job
.Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower,
blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know,
you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.
And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register..
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.
Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.
Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister
to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing.
Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty
so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age
and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's
:Stop what you are doing.
Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror
and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming
and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar
and it says,'I Got Worms .'
In your 60's
:Stop what you are doing.
No need for a hat anymore..
Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes.
The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute,
but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's
:Stop what you are doing.
Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because
you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing.
Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.
Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander
around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe?
Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
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Request time
For the Kullys and the Henrys in Canada
who are great fans of Slim Dusty



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A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG,
SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO
HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN,
GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND
AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS:
"BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE..
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.
. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES
.BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

thanks Duke

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Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean,
there was the Island of Trid.
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain.
On this mountain lived a Giant.
The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain.
If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain,
the Giant would kick him into the ocean.
Trids are notoriously bad swimmers,
and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large.
Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together
, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain.
Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more.
He would start to climb the mountain,
and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.
The Trids were a very depressed people
.One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid.
Despite their overcrowded conditions,
the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor,
and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant
. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share
some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified.
"Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored.
"The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."
The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant.
The Trids sent out every boat they had.
They formed a ring around the island,
so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain.
No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant
.He started up the slopes of the mountain,
further than any Trid had ever been.
Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain.
There the Giant was waiting for him.
The Rabbi asked
"Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain,
without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
And the Giant replied,
"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

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thanks David J
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Those funny animals
















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thanks Liz Z

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A girl from Newfoundland who was a virgin on her wedding night,
was stunned to see the special part her husband had.
She asked, 'what's dat ting?'
'My lov' he said, 'dats a special part God gave to me to please you
and I'm the only man on earth dat has one.'
After a passionate night of love making the bride said:
'How lucky I am to have the only man alive with one of those!'
The next day, the husband comes home to see his new bride very upset.
'What's wrong me lov?'
'You told me you were the only man wit one of those tings
and today I saw Freddie doing his Pee behind the shed
and he had one dat looked just like yours!!'
Not wanting to be caught he said:
'Well honey, the truth is I had two of those parts
and because Freddie is my best friend in the world, I gave him one,
but it's only me and Freddie who has one'
That seemed to ease her mind somewhat.
After another night of passionate love making the husband goes off to work
. Later that evening he comes home to find his new love very upset again!
'What's the matter today me luv?'
'Well' she says 'I can't get over how stunned you are!'
'Whatever do you mean my sweet?'
"I can't believe you were lucky enough to have TWO of those special parts,
and you turns around and gives Freddie da best one!'

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY







Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them
and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.







2 comments:

Sandee said...

I stole the Freddie one. Bwahahahaha. Love it.

Have a terrific day. :)

5225 said...

GREAT........................................