Sunday, March 28, 2010


Happy 60th.. Bob S
Just for you

I'm satisfied with just a cottage below
A little silver and a little gold
But in that city where the ransomed will shine
I want a gold one that's silver lined
I've got a mansion just over the hilltop
In that bright land where we'll never grow old
And some day yonder we will never more wander
But walk on streets that are purest gold
Don't think me poor or deserted or lonely
I'm not discouraged I'm heaven bound
I'm but a pilgrim in search of the city
I want a mansion, a harp and a crown
I've got a mansion just over the hilltop
In that bright land where we'll never grow old
And some day yonder we will never more wander
But walk on streets that are purest gold
A father and son went fishing one day.
After a couple hours out in the boat,
the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father
, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied,
"Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation,
then turned back to his father
, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied,
"Don't rightly know, son.
"A little later the boy asked his father,
"Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied.
"Don't rightly know, son.
"Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says,
"Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son.
If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
thanks Liz Z
Those funny animals


A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town.
The waiter Came and asked him for his order.
Feeling lonely, he replied,
"Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said,
"Okay, So where's the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed,
bent down, and whispered gently,
"Don't eat the meat loaf."


thanks Liz Z

Signs of the times


I went to the store the other day,
I was only in there for about 5minutes
and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said
, 'Come on buddy, how about giving aguy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So Icalled him a pencil necked nazi.
He glared at me and started writinganother ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a horse shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then h estarted writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes,
the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a hoot.
That was the mayor's car.
I had walked to the store.


Bachelors and Cooking
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first
, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it.
Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish and....'"

Airline funnies

thanks Ray S


Cool Plane Pictures




thanks Liz Z

Benny worked at the Museum of Unlikely Artifacts,
and his job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished.
One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit,
and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning.
He got out his dust rag and began polishing.
Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him.
“Master,” the genie began,
“I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes,
but there is one condition I will put on you —
you must never shave again for the rest of your life,
or you will be forced to live inside the urn forever.”
Benny thought about it for a bit,
and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes.
So Benny wished for a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account,
which was promptly granted.
Later he wished for the woman of his dreams,
and he was married to her.
Finally, he wished for fame and fortune, which came to him,
and he was regarded as a worldwide celebrity.
In the meantime, Benny’s beard became longer and longer,
and it started to itch.
He tried to ignore it, but with every passing year the itch got worse.
Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard once and for all.
Having shaved it off, he lost everything he wished for,
and instantly he was, himself,
trapped in the urn to stay there forever.
The moral of the story:
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet,
I find him very annoying.
I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.
A cheap eye surgeon is probably cutting corneas
The company nurse told me I was too heavy, so I applied for thick leave.

Putin on the Ritz---------------------------------------
Blasts from the Past




Many times when I am troubled or confused,
I find comfort in sitting in my back yardAnd having a vodka
and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again recently after a particularly difficult day
I said 'Jesus, why do I work so hard?'
And I heard the reply:
'people find many ways to demonstrate the Love they have forTheir family.
You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place
for your Friends and family to gather
'I said: 'I thought that money was the root of all evil.'
And the reply was:
'No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil.
Money is a tool;
It can be used for good or bad'.
I was starting to feel better,
but I still had that one burning question
, so I asked It
. 'Jesus,' I said, 'what is the meaning of life?
Why am I here?
'He replied
'That is a question many have asked.
The answer is in your heart and
Is different for everyone.
I would love to chat with you some more,Senor
,But for now, I have to finish your lawn.'


Flower Power

thanks Liz Z

Men and Women


Roger's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their commode.
Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out.
After finishing, he left to take care of another matter
before she returned
.She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode.
As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint
had glued her to the commode seat.
About that time, Roger got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever
.Finally, in desperation, Roger undid the commode seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself
and Roger drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied,
"Actually, I've seen lots of them.
I jus tnever saw one mounted and framed before."

Bud Light


Aussie Poem
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank
."Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,"
They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out
.But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree
.He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown
.Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim
.He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death
.She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.
The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day
.He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe
.And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"
The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

thanks Stevie boy from Kal



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