Saturday, May 15, 2010

How to Boogie Woogie
There was a New Zealander, an Australian and a West Indian
in the waiting room of a maternity ward.
Each mans wife was giving birth.
Eventually a nurse entered the waiting room and said to all three men.
"Congratulations you all have healthy baby boys,
both mother and child are O.K .
However I'm afraid we've had a bit of a mix up
and we're not sure which baby is which .
If you could follow me to where the babies are being incubated,
you can please identify your own babies."
So the three men followed the nurse and entered the ward.
After a couple of seconds the Kiwi came to the nurse carrying a baby.
This is definitely my baby" he said
The nurse looked at the baby,
then up at the Kiwi with a puzzled look.
But surely this baby is West Indian" said the nurse.
"Yes" agreed the Kiwi
"But one of those two babies in there is an Australian
and I just can't take that risk!"

thanks Liz Z

Can you translate this Aussie slang
into a famous quotation by Abraham Lincoln
1. Make sure you're a dead cert to put your plates of meat in the right spot,
then be you'd best not move a muscle.
1. Be sure you put your feet in the right place,
then stand firm.
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)


Those Funny Animals


Bear Aware

A World War II fighter pilot is speaking in a church
and reminiscing about his war experiences.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough.
The Germans had a very strong air force.
I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers
and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."
There are a few gasps from the parishioners,
and several of the children begin to giggle.
"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me.
I aimed at the first one and shot him down.
By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."
At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church are practically swooning,
the girls are all giggling and the boys are laughing out loud.
The pastor finally stands up and says
, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker'
was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company,
one which made many of the fighter planes
used by the Axis powers during the war."
"Yes, that's true," says the old pilot,
"but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."
Boy Genius
thanks Josie J
The Medical Profession
"Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient.
"No. You're a very beautiful woman,
but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor.
"It's totally out of the question.
I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."


A doctor had an elderly patient drop in on him for an unscheduled appointment.
"What can I do for you today, Mr. Smith?" the doctor asked.
The aged gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me
. Every time I make love to my wife,
my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak
and I can hardly catch my breath... I'm frightened!"
The doctor, looking at his 86-year-old patient, said:
"Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time,
especially to a man of your advanced years,
but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gentleman thought for a moment and said,
"Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"


Blasts from the Past



Drinking Exercises

thanks Peter P

Naughty joke
A wedding occurred, in Austrailia.
To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk
and the bride’s and groom’s families had a humongous fight
and begin wrecking the reception room
and generally kicking the crap out of each other.
The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge
finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting “Silence in Court.”
The courtroom goes silent and DANNY (the best man) stands up and says,
“Your honour, I was the best man at the wedding
and I think I should explain what happened.”
The judge agrees and asks Danny to take the stand.
Danny begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional
in an Austrailian wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says “OK.”
“Well”, said Danny,
“After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going,
so I continued dancing to the second song,
and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.
All of a sudden the groom leapt over the table,
ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates.”
The judge responded “God, that must have hurt!”
Danny replied “HURT!
He broke three of my damn fingers!”

Oldie but a goldie

thanks Peter H

Watch this video and then take a good hard look at yourself


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