326

-------------

Newfies

Two Newfies are walking down a street in Toronto,

when they see a sign on a store that reads,

"Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair

."One Newfie says to his pal,

"Looky here! We could buy a whole gob of these,

take 'em back to St John's , sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune.

Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay?

Just let me do the talkin' cause if they hear your accent,

they might think we're from the Rock, and try to cheat us

. Now, I'll try to sound like we're from Ontario .

So they go in and one of the Newfie says with his best Ontario accent,

"I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each,

100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each,

and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each.

I'll back up my pickup and ...

."The owner of the shop interrupts,

"You're from Newfoundland , ain't you?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Newfie.

"How'd you know dat!"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

------------------------------

Red Light Runners

thanks Liz Z

-------------------------

It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House

has been dismissed after 28 years

of loyal service to the many US presidents.

When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said

"All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office

and I asked, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe ?

'The next thing I knew, my ass was fired.

thanks Gordon H

-------------------------------------------

Those Funny Animals

-------------------

Bear Attack in Calgary, Alberta, Zoo.

These pictures below are of an actual polar bear attack that recently happened.
The pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack!
Reports from the local newspapers say that the victim will make a full recovery.
The photos are below.

These are quite graphic so please use caution before scrolling down to view.


*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

------------------------------

Surprise Birthday




----------------------------------

Interesting Street Signs

---------------------------

Blast from the Past



---------------------------

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary

at the church's marriage marathon,

the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes

and share some insight into how he managed to live

with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience :

"Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her,

but mostly I took her travelling on special occasions.

The minister inquired :

"Trips to where?"

"Well for our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said :

"What a terrific example you are to all husbands Ralph."

"Please tell the audience what you're going to do

for your wife on your 50th anniversary."

Brother Ralph : "I'm going to go get her."

------------------------------------

It's that Clour Pink again

------------------------

Drama Queen in the making

------------------

-

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes,

on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly . Introduces him as Simon.

'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew.

'Please tell the audience what happened?

''Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle

when we had a really bad accident.

Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived.

I was trapped in the car for six hours

before I was eventually cut free.'

'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours

but they couldn't save my legs.

''That's terrible. But I see you have legs now

. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew

.'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors

informed me that my uncle had in fact died

, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science,

they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine.

As you can see the operation was successful.

I have been having physiotherapy for six months

and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience

.Kelly responds with:

'That's an unbelievable story.

So tonight, who are you going to be?

''Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle

-

----------------------

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

thanks Don H

----------

A mate of mine [Arthur] and I were discussing as to whom

had the earliest version of the song" Moonlight Swim."

Elvis Presley or Tony Perkins

------

Before he became "Psycho" Norman Bates in Alfred Hitchocks classic movie,

Tony Perkins had a big hit (#24) in 1957

with this version four years before Elvis recorded

it for the "Blue Hawaii" movie soundtrack

-----------------------------



-

MEN

-------------------------------

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.

The next year, the Wong's have a new baby.

The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy,

but definitely a Caucasian, white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

"What will you name the baby"?

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,

"Well, two Wong'sdon't make a white,

so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."



-------------------------------

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers
and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch,
sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and
walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:
"Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down
"Why?"
The worker yelled back,
"His wife's here with his lunch."

thanks Liz Z

----------------------------------




PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.