330

--

---

----

Don't be surprised if America doesn't make it to the Soccer World Cup
thanks Gordon H
---------------------




Ada was slowly recovering from a heart attack.
"Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist,
"you must keep me alive for the next two years.
I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah."
"We'll try," he replied compassionately.
In due course Ada gratefully attended the festive rite of passage.
Some time later she again spoke to her doctor.
"My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months.
Please help me to be able to attend her wedding."
"We'll do our best," he replied
.Ada happily attended her granddaughter's wedding.Ten years passed.
Ada visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously.
One morning she called him.
"Doctor," she began
, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you
Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?"
"Yes."
"And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter's wedding?"
"Yes."
"Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday.
And I just bought myself a new mattress."
"Yes?"
"It has a 20-year guarantee..."

------





stolen from Miss Cellania

------

Let's put the seniors in gaol, and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers,

hobbies,and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions,

dental and medical treatment , wheel chairs etc

. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out

.They would have constant video monitoring,

so they could be helped instantly ,if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week,

and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes,

and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room,

spiritual counselling, pool, and education.Simple clothing , shoes, slippers, P.J.'s

and legal aid would be free, on request

.Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard with gardens.

Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V. radio, and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints,

and the guards would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.


The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone,

and unsupervised.Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week

.Live in a tiny room , and pay $5000.00 per month

and have no hopeof ever getting out.

Justice for all.

thanks Gordon H

---------

Those Funny Animals

--------------------------

As the stranger enters a country store,

he spots a sign:

"Danger! Beware of Dog!"

Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner

. "That's him," comes the reply.

"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"

"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him


----------------------




VIAGRA

thanks Pushpa

---------------------------------------

Late in the day a wild man burst into the psychiatrist's office.

"Ya gotta help me!" he screamed,

"I can't stop thinking I'm a deck of cards!"

Flushing with anger, the doctor snapped,

"Wait outside! I'll deal with you later!"


-------------------------

Two highways were having a drink in a bar

when a piece of pink tarmac walked in.

The highways dropped to the floor and cowered under the table.

The pink tarmac had a drink and then left.

The highways got up and resumed drinking.
“Why did you guys hide from that piece of tarmac?” the bartender asked.
A highway was quick to respond,

“Are you kidding?
That guy’s a cycle path!”

------

Patient: "Doctor, I've been having these nightmares that wake me up every night."

Dr.: "Tell me about them."

Patient: "I start dreaming that I'm looking down on a crowd of people,

and in the middle is a performance of Cirque du Soliel!

The performances are so frightening that I wake up."

Dr: "Yes. Anything else?"

Patient: "Well, there is another dream too."

I'm looking down on a crowd again,

but this time in the middle is the Barnum and Baily Circus!"

As soon as the lions appear, I wake up."

Dr: "Yes, yes, I understand. Don't be concerned,

a tranquilizer is all you need;

you're just two tents."


thanks David T

-------------------------------

A couple of Beer Commercials

thanks Liz Z

-------

thanks David J

They say that 20% of all accidents are caused by drunken drivers.

That means that 80% are caused by sober drivers.

Sober drivers should get off the road

so that the drunks can get home safely.


--------------------------

Women

--

My wife has not spoken to me in three days.

I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night

when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered,

"Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen.

I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

--------------------

BLAST FROM THE PAST




thanks to Ray S for this great video


------------------------

It's just the modern world we live in

thanks to Gordon H and Liz Z who both sent me this

--------

Heard this on the radio today

I think it charted in the mid 60's

Don't know why, but just like it

-------

Out-of-town buddyCharles was taking his out-of-town buddy Clyde

on a walking tour of the city.

Clyde saw a good-looking girl and asked Charles if he knew her

."Yes, that's Jacqueline -- one hundred and twenty dollars."

A little further along, Clyde spotted an even more stunning girl

and asked if Charles happened to know her also.

"Yes, that Rosalynn -- one hundred and eighty dollars."

After the process was repeated twice more,

Clyde remarked, "Good Heavens!

Aren't there any respectable women in this city?"

"Of course!" replied Charles, highly offended.

"But you couldn't afford them either."

------------------------

---------------------------


PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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