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Top Gear

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Bill Clinton

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night

and Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up

. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping.Hillary continues,

"Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says,

"What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says,

"Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says,

"No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

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How flat is Saskatchewan


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At a baby shower her co-workers gave her,

my daughter mentioned she had a craving for grapes.

"Steve and I wonder if we have a wine maker here," she joked

."Don't laugh," added an older friend,

"I couldn't stop eating doughnuts during my pregnancy,

and now our son's a policeman."

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Those funny Animals

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Roller Coaster Ride

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-

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for a ride in the blonde's new car.

Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them.

The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.

The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage to ask,

"What are you doing?!"

The blonde calmly replied,

"I'm trying to blow the horn."

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Misc Cartoons

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I want one of these

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Far off in another galaxy was a planet inhabited

only by walking, talking flowers.

The king, a red carnation, had fallen in love with a common daisy.

Unfortunately, she was far below his station,

and in addition to having a rather spotty reputation,

she possessed an equally spotty education.

It was clear she would never fit in with royalty.
The king’s ministers suggested that the only way

he could possibly marry this lovely young daisy

was to educate her in the ways of higher society.

He hired the very best teachers he could find.

They drilled her in all the fine arts,

taking her to the opera and to the ballet.

They introduced her to the best literature, and to philosophy.

Every thing they did however, seemed lost on the king’s intended bride.

None of the teaching had any effect.
Their efforts continued on and on,

but she never showed a glimmer of intelligence

. At last, the king, in utter defeat, cried out

, “It’s no use! I can lead a horticulture, but I can’t make her think!”

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A farmer was feeding some spoiled vegetables to his pig.

The hog greedily snarffed up each over-ripe tomato,

cuke and leaf of lettuce offered,

but when the farmer brought out the potato, he hesitated.

With a disappointed look in his eye,

the pig watched as the farmer delivered the

starchy treat to the sheep in the next pen.

"Sorry, Wilbur," the farmer said,

"The spud's for ewe."

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Blast from the Past



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It's just a modern world we live in

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A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says,

"Are you Joe Smith?"

The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."

He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"

The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says,

"Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."

"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"

The guy looks through his notebook again and says,

"Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."

"Were you in room 1368?"

The fellow checks his notebook and says,

"Yes, I was in room 1368."

The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Adams who stayed in room 1369?"

The guy looks in his book again, hmmms and says,

"Yes, I knew Mrs. Adams who stayed in 1369."

The guy says, "And did you have an affair with Mrs. Adams?"

The fellow scans his notebook and says,

"Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Adams."

The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Adams and I don't like it!"

Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says,

"You know, you're right, I didn't like it either."

thanks Toni

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Do you have high blood pressure?





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MEN

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Once there were three little pigs who lived together

in mutual respect and in harmony with their environment.

Using materials that were indigenous to the area,

they each built a beautiful house.

One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks,

and one a house of dung, clay,and creeper vines shaped into bricks

and baked in a small kiln fired from methane gas

from his environmentally correct outhouse.

When theywere finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work

and settled backto live in peace and self-determination.

But their idyll was soon shattered.

One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas.

He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a physical and ideological sense.

When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw.

The wolf ran upto the house and banged on the door, shouting

, "Little pigs, littlepigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back,

"Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs

defending their homes and native culture!"

But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought

was his manifest destiny.

So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw.

The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks,

with the wolf in hot pursuit.

Where the straw house had stood,

other wolves bought up the land and started

a banana plantation using petroleum-based fertilizers

and pesticides which contaminate theground water.

At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted,

"Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The little pigs shouted back,

"Go to Hell you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!"

At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks.

The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels.

Where the house of sticks had stood,

other wolves have now built a time-share condo resort complex

for other vacationing wolves.

Each unit was a fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks,

as well as native curio shops, snorkeling and exploitative shows

featuring dolphins captured from the wild.

At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted

,"Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

This time in response the little pigs sang songs of solidarity

and wrote letters of protest to the United Nations.

By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal

to see the situation from the carnivore point of view.

So he huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest

and fell over dead of a massive heart attack

brought on by eating too many fatty foods.

The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed

and did a little dance around the corpse of the wolf.

Their next step was to liberate their homeland.

They gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced off their lands.

This new brigade of "porcinistas"attacked the resort complex

with machine guns and rocket launchers

and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors,

sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere

not to meddle in their internal affairs.

Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy

with free education,universal health care,

and affordable housing for everyone.

Author'snote:

The wolf was a metaphorical construct.

No actual wolf was harmed in thewriting of this story.

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this

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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.