342

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If you want to, you can

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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.

He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights

and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid,

went to the kitchen and said to the cook

."This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights

and a pair of running boards.

What does he thinks this place is .... Anauto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes,

a pair ofheadlights is two eggs sunny side up,

and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde.

She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans

and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,

headlights and running boards,

you might as well gas up!

FOR ONCE THE BLOND GETS EVEN

--------

it's Summer time in the Northern Hemisphere and is rather warm in places

-

Summer Rendezvous

As I lay on my bed thinking about you,

I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you,

because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night,

and what happened in my bed

still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly,

without any reservations, you lay on my naked body.

You sensed my indifference,

so you applied your hungry mouth to me

without any guilt or humiliation,

and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up you were gone.

I searched for you but to no avail.

Only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings,

making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you....

You f*****ng mosquito.

---------------------------------

Don't look away when I'm talking to you

thanks Pushpa
-------

-

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-------------------------

A young man was hitchhiking down south and a farmer
driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift.
As they were driving, the farmer started bragging about
how good the local moonshine whiskey was.
The young man told the farmer that he didn't drink very much,
and that moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes
."Nonsense!" said the farmer. "You gotta try some."
He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug.
"Here," he said, handing the jar to the lad.
"Take a drink!"
"Oh, no thanks," said the young man.
"I really don't think I care for any."
"No, I insist," pressed the farmer. "Have some."
"No, thanks — really," said the young man
.The farmer wasn't going to take no for an answer.
He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back.
He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, "I said, take a drink!"
"Okay! Okay!" said the young man.
He took a few swallows and instantly realized just how powerful the stuff was.
His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound
."What do you think of it?" asked the farmer.
"Good, ain't it?"
"Yeah," gasped the lad, afraid he would be forced
to drink more if he disagreed,
"I guess so."
Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned.
"Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me drink some!"

------


Those funny animals

---------------------------

Great Car Parking idea



----------------

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase

a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $50.00 to $500.00 in price –

the more sheer, the higher the price

.Naturally, he opts for the best, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and ask her to go upstairs, put it on,

and model it for him

.Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy),

’I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.

I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked,

return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose

.The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500,

they’d at least iron it!’

He never heard the shot

.Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

-----------

Weight Watchers

-----------------------------------

----------------------------------

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?", asks St. Peter.

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.

St. Peter turns around and shouts,

"Jesus, your taxi's here"

thanks Don H

God finally speaks out on lawn mowing
God speaking to St. Francis:

Francis, you know all about gardens and nature.

What in the world is going on down there?

What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?

I had a perfect,no-maintenance garden plan.

Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought

and multiply with abandon.

The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies

honeybees and flocks of songbirds.

I expected to see a vast gardenof colours by now.

But all I see are these green rectangles

.St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.

They started calling your flowers "weeds"

and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful.

It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees,

only grubs and sod worms.

It's temperamental with temperatures.

Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord.

They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.

They begin each spring by fertilizing grass

and poisoning any other plants that crop up in the lawn

God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.

That must make theSuburbanites happy.

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord.

As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week.

God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord.

Most of them rake it up and put it in bags

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No, Sir. Just the opposite.

They pay to throw it away

God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow,

they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, Sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer

when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.

That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work

St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this Lord.

When the grass stops growing so fast,

they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it

so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.

That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.

The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer

In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket

to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes

Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil.

It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You had better sit down, Lord.

The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle

As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles

and pay to have them hauled away

God: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter

and to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves,

they go out and buy something which they call 'mulch'.

They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch

.God: Enough! I don't want to think about this any more. St. Catherine,

you're in charge of the arts.

What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord.

It's a real stupid movie

God: Never mind, I think I just heard that story from St. Francis.

------------------------

Blast from the Past





-----------------------

My good friend Liz Z sent me a bundle of Wal-Mart pictures

Here are some of the respectable ones

-----------------------------

A garbage collector is driving along a street in Australia

picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor

.He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out,

and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,

he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer

.Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again -

much harder

.Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man

."Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector

."I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed

."No! No! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I told you!", says the Japanese man, still perplexed

."Listen," says the collector.

"You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin"

"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin,

and whispers in the collector's ear

."I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

thanks Wayne W
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SENIORS

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Cool Prank

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-
PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Thats all Folks

But I leave you with this





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Disclaimer

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If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.