Tuesday, July 20, 2010

343
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If you want to , you can [take 2]
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FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego
that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records,
the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor
with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place
and was recorded by theFBI because they
were taping all conversations at the hospital. -
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
- Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
- Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
-Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
- Agent: That's right. I'm a FBI agent
. -Pizza Man: You're a FBI agent?
- Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
- Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
- Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors
. We have them locked.
You will have to go around to the back tothe service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
- Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
- Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
- Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
- Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving
- Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
- Agent: I have my checkbook right here
-Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
- Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent
. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas
to the service entrance in the rear?
We havethe front doors locked.
-Pizza Man: I don't think so.

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Those Funny Animals







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The first sex education classes were held in the fifties.
Naturally, some teachers were embarrassed
and used only very carefully chosen words.
In one class, the teacher was explaining the anatomy of the male genitalia.
He said, "The human male testicles are about the size of Plover's eggs."
A female voice from the back quipped,
"Hey... Neat!!! I've always wondered how big Plover's eggs were."


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stolen from Miss Cellania

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-
Love Story of a young man



I met a Gal

She was like this



Together we were like this

I gave her gifts like this

When she accepted my proposal I was like this

Iused to talk to her all night like this


When my friends saw my Gal, they stared like this


And I used to react like this


But on Valentines day she gave red roses to someone



like this

And I was like this

Which later led to this


I felt like doing this


But rather did this

I started doing this


and this


and ended up like this

thanks Liz and Allan

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Russian Circus
The last act is incredible





stolen from Miss Cellania

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An ambitious, but ignorant entrepreneur,
decided he would increase his considerable fortune
by getting into the thoroughbred racing business.
He bought a ranch in Kentucky, stocked it with good horses,
and hired some folks to go about amassing his big bucks
while he followed other pursuits.
He quickly found, however, that the money flow was only in one direction
— out of his pocket.
He decided to make a surprise visit to his ranch,
and found to his horror, that unbeknownst to himself,
he had been financing a gentle retirement home for lazy race horses.
His livestock was there, all right,
but each horse gave clear evidence of living a wholly sedentary life.
The horses were grossly overweight and fat, in fact.
Moreover, they were so unused to moving that many
small birds had built nests in their hair
and these birds were busy raising their young.
The erstwhile horseman was incensed.
He summarily fired all his ranch hands.
Next, he grabbed a ladder and garden rake,
and he started cleaning up his horses,
ripping the bird nests from off their backs.
In his angst, he gave these now immortal instructions to his new helpers.
“Beast is Beast, and Nest is Nest,
and Never the Mane Shall Tweet!”


thanks Archie Archives


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What happened to the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
-Utter Destruction
-

What's the differance between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
-
What did the plumber say to his wife when they got divorced?
It's over flo.

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This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day
and collapses in bed.
He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy,
horny woman lying next to you?"
He replied, "Don't worry honey, I'd stay faithful."

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GOLF

[I know a golfer like this]
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An Arab student sends an email to his Dad



Dear Dad
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice
and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive
at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students
travel by train.
Your son, Nasser
-
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail
from his dad:
My dear loving son
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred
to your account.
Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.


love, your dad


thanks Liz Z
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Blast from the Past



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-

WOMEN











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Having a baby
A man goes to a surgeon and convinces him that he wants
to have the experience of having a baby
."Impossible," says the surgeon
."But I need that experience," insists the man
.Eventually the surgeon agrees,
and tells the man to come back next day for the operation
Next day he is put out and operated on.
When he comes around he asks the surgeon if the operation was successful
."Yes, perfect."
"When will I have the experience of having a baby?" asks the man.
"Just as soon as you have drunk this pint of olive oil," says the surgeon
."How's that going to give me the experience?"
"Because I have sewn up your ass."

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A very straight and honest girl is going to Kuala Lumpur.
Before she left, her mother gave her some advice.
"Daughter, when you're in Kuala,
and if you're looking for a match there,
you must take note of the following requirements Mother set for you.
You must find a man that is 'faithful,' not 'spendthrift' and must be a virgin."
With this advice from her mother, the girl went to town.
After some months, she came home to her mother's blessings to marry.
"Mother, I've met my match following your instructions.
My future husband is faithful because when we went out for a holiday one day,
he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around.
Isn't that being faithful?"
Her mother nodded in agreement.
"Then, since the day was getting late in the night
and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel.
He also suggested that in order not to spend too much
, we shared one room only.
Isn't he not spendthrift guy?"
For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement,
but with a little concern.
"And finally mum, I know he is a virgin,"
"How did you know he is still a virgin?" the mother asked
with with her eyes open wide
"Mmm.... his "that one" is new...
still wrapped up in plastic, mom!"


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PHILS PHILOSOPHY


funny quote glitter

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Thats All Folks
But I leave you with this




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are understood to be in the public domain.
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please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.






2 comments:

Sandee said...

I stole the plover's egg one. Bwahahaha.

Have a terrific day. :)

Duke said...

I admit I send lot's of your stuff out. Always attach this:

VIA: http://philcoiinetnetau.blogspot.com/ Click & enjoy!!!

You're the best, mate!