Wednesday, August 4, 2010

from the movie "The Big Store"
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward,
put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere.
A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking, etc.
A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand
and point to himself and said: "Scottish"
The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said: "Irish"
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before
the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow"
Again the second replied in a very frail voice: "Dublin"
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out.
Days passed before the first man managed to again
point to himself and say: "Jimmy"
Replied the other: "Paddy"
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again
and rasp out weakly:
Paddy responded: "Sagittarius"
thanks Toni
There have been a lot of Sharks spotted at Bondi Beach recently
Australian Coastal watch (with sound)
Press on the link - have sound on.
need to zoom in on it -
Amazing stuff and if you have sound you actually can hear the ocean.
click this link
thanks Gordon H
Those Funny Animals

[for Jim Fleming and his scottish mates]

Friedman's worried that he might be gay,
so he goes to a psychiatrist.
After a few sessions, the shrink says,
"I've got some good news and some bad news.
Which do you want first?"
Friedman says, "Give me the bad news first."
The psychiatrist says, "You definitely have homosexual tendencies."
Friedman says, "After that, what could be the good news?"
The psychiatrist says, "I think you're kinda cute."
Blast from the Past


A blonde rider at the stables was trying to saddle a horse.
“Excuse me,” said the old hand,
“but you are putting that saddle on backwards.”
“How do you know,” snapped the blonde.
“You don’t know which way I’m going.”

thanks Duke

The poet had been droning on at the party about his various sources of inspiration.
“Yes, he told the young blonde.
“I’m at present collecting some of my better poems
to be published posthumously.”
“Lovely,” said the blonde “I’ll look forward to it.”
(Not so dumb?)

thanks Duke

For the Golfers

thanks Toni for the toons


Perhaps one of the most common jobs for young people
as they work their way through college or try to pick up some extra money
while still in high school is to work at local supermarkets.
Most start out as baggers at the check-out counters,
but occasionally promotions and opportunities come along
and the chance for a little more money becomes important.
One young man had worked bagging groceries for a year
but never got a promotion.
He was fascinated by the work in the produce section of the market.
He was particularly taken with the way the store took fresh oranges
and made fresh orange juice for customers.
He could watch the process for hours,
and when the supermarket installed a new machine that squeezed juice
at five times the previous rate, he could barely hold back his enthusiasm.
Intrigued by this new, high-tech device,
the young man asked if he could leave his job at the checkout counter
putting groceries into bags and be allowed to work the new machine.
His request was denied.
"Why?" the boy asked. "I'd really like this promotion."
The store manager replied,
"Sorry son, but baggers can't be juicers."


A Chinese man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doc, you have to help me.
Lately, I have been feeling very Chinese.
I like rice, and my face looks Chinese,
and I even think in Mandarin! Can you help?"
The doctor says, "Well, hold on to my finger.
Now spin around seventeen times very fast."
The Chinese man does so and falls on the floor.
"Doctor," he says, "It didn't work. I still feel Chinese."
"True," says the doctor,
"But now you have been disoriented!"



for Madeleinne F



Here's the "women's rule book" men have been requesting for thousands of years!!

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night,
and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)


[for my wife in case she reads the above]

I leave you with


He remembers the first time he met her
He remembers the first thing she said
He remembers the first time he held her
And the night that she came to his bed
He remembers her sweet way of saying
,"Honey, has something gone wrong?"
He remembers the fun and the teasing
And the reason he wrote her this song
:"I'll give you a daisy a day, dear
I'll give you a daisy a day
I'll love you until the rivers run still
And the four winds we know blow away"
They would walk down the street in the evening
And for years I would see them go by
And their love that was more than the clothes that they wore
Could be seen in the gleam in their eyes
As a kid, they would take me for candy
And I'd love to go tagging along
We'd hold hands while we walked to the corner
And the old man would sing her his song
"I'll give you a daisy a day, dear
I'll give you a daisy a day
I'll love you until the rivers run still
And the four winds we know blow away"
Now he walks down the street in the evening
And he stops by the old candy store
And I somehow believe he's believing
He's holding her hand like before
For he feels all her love walking with him
And he smiles at the things she might say
Then the old man walks up to the hilltop
And he gives her a daisy a day
"I'll give you a daisy a day, dear
I'll give you a daisy a day
I'll love you until the rivers run still
And the four winds we know blow away"


All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at


Vinvin said...

Loved the diary of a blonde.
Thanks Phil, have a good day !

Sandee said...

I stole the United We Stand one. Bwahahahahaha. Ain't it the truth.

Have a terrific day Phil. :)

Anonymous said...

As yet I haven't noticed your comment box, and finally I can say thank you for all your humorous blog entries!!
Daisy a day was a Royal treat!
Celeste from Basel.

Anonymous said...

Bonjour, Sebast Here, I like this site I could definitely get absorbed here.