Tuesday, August 10, 2010

stolen from Archies Archives


This little old lady calls 911.
When the operator answers she yells,
"Help! Send the police to my house right away!
There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed.
"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch
playing with himself and he's weird!
I don't know him and I'm afraid!
Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican,
he'd be screwing somebody!"
A woman walked into a lingerie shop in Washington D.C.
and said she needed to buy a bra.
"Certainly, Miss," said the salesperson.
"We stock three kinds: a Democratic bra, a Republican bra, and a Liberal bra.
I'm sure one will suit your needs."
`"I never heard of those kinds," said the confused customer.
"What's the difference?"
The sales clerk explained,
"The Democratic bra supports the fallen and uplifts the masses.
The Republican bra makes mountains out of molehills.
And if you buy a Liberal bra, your cups runneth over."
This is a sad story about a Montana black bear.
Everybody should heed the warning not to feed wildlife because
they become dependent and cannot forage for themselves anymore.
The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife:
Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs
of belonging to the Democratic Party,
as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government
to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.

This photo is of a Democrat black bear in Montana
nicknamed Bearack Obearma.
thanks Liz Z

Those Funny Animals


A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule,
at 2 in the morning
.Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark,
crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said,
"Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block
and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, darling," he said,
and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed
and walked over to the drug store
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise,
"Say," said the druggist, "I know you -
aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the FireChief?"



A guy was driving toward L.A. from San Diego
when a policeman pulled him over.
He rolled down his window and said to the officer,
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving
and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award.
Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
The driver thought for a minute and said,
"Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman,
"Oh, don't pay attention to him -
he's a smart-ass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said,
"I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk
and a muffled voice said,
"Are we over the border yet?"

(this is not news in Southern Cal)

thanks Duke


Blast from the Past



Simple maths over the past 40 years and beyond.

1. Teaching Maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price
.What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100
.His cost of production is 80% of the price
.What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100
. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because
he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing
for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment:
Discuss how the birds and koalas might feel
as the logger cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of $20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree
in case it may be offensive to Muslims
or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license.
He is also fined a $100 as his Chainsaw
is in breach of Health and Safety legislation
as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.
He has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years without incident
however he does not have the correct certificate of competence
and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal.
His DNA is sampled and his details circulated
throughout all government agencies.
He protests and is taken to court and fined another $100
because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find some indigenous people
have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.
He tries to throw them off but is arrested,
prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority,
imprisoned for 6 months and fined a further $100.
While he is in jail the indigenous people cut down the rest of his wood
and sell it on the black market for $100 cash.
They also have a leaving BBQ of koala and goanna,
and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The logger on release is warned that failure
to clear the fly and vermin ridden rubbish immediately
at his own cost is an offence.
He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution,
breach of the peace and invoiced $12,000 plus GST
for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment:
How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested
and fined before he realises that he is never
going to make $20 profit by hard work;
he should give up, sign on to the dole
and live off the government for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber
because he can’t get a loan to buy a new truck because
his bank has spent all his and their money
on a derivative of securitised debt related
to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland
and lost the lot with only some government money
left to pay a few million dollar in bonuses to their senior directors
and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 licencing fee on his old truck however,
as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations
and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Vietnamese loggers buy the truck from the scrap merchant
and put it back on the road.
They undercut everyone on price for haulage
and send their cash back home,
while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives.
If questioned they speak no English
and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense.
Following their holiday back home they return to Australia
with different names and fresh girls and start again.
The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist
and as his name is on the side of his old lorry
he is forced to pay $1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more
to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap.
The parliamentarians feel they are missing out
and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths in 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج منا! لثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

thanks Charles G





One night, a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.
Silently, she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant,
she saw on his face a mixture of emotions:
disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused,
with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied,
"I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like this for only $75!"




thanks Don H

This is pretty neat......
I know it's not the season,
but these are amazing!
Scroll down to see the Amish Christmas lights



You know the Amish don't use electricity!

thanks Liz Z
Slightly Naughty video
[Don't watch if easily offended]

thanks Toni


But I leave you with this


All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.


Sandee said...

Bwahahahahaha. I stole two of them this week. Daddy Longlegs and Safe Driver Award. Gave you credit as always.

Have a terrific day Phil. :)

Anonymous said...

A final flight for the guy in the suitcase LOL!!

Haven't heard that lovely song by Don williams in ages, thanks again for the treat Phil.
Celeste in Basel.