Saturday, August 21, 2010

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10
and that continues for a year.
Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $7.50
“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”
A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $5.
“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor.
“First you give me $10 every day, then $7,50 and now only $5.
What’s the problem?”
“Well,” the man says,
“last year my eldest son went to university.
It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs.
This year my eldest daughter also went to university,
so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.
“Four,” the man replies.
“Well,” says the beggar,
“I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”



How To Get a Date
There was a loser who couldn't get a date.
He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that you're a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing
because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"
He said, "Why, yes I am!"
So they went to his place.
When they were in bed making love,
the guy started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
"Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes,
and I'm already screwing someone!"
stolen from Slavenka and Obi
Canadian Wood Spider

funny gifs - Shark Says Jerks Taste Good
see more SeƱor Gif
Those funny Animals


thanks Toni for the golf toons


A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?
'About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start.
Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
'Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says
'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin,
and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied,
"I'm sorry, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

thanks Duke

Palm trees and Friends


An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement
and decides that he wants to do something fun for once.
He’s spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab
and wants to do something outside for a change
so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and research.
This assistant is a bit of a git and decides he’ll play a prank on the old man,
and suggests he research ‘sheep shagging’.
The professor thinks this is a great idea
and heads off to Wales to begin his research.
He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer
to quiz about his unnatural habits.
The professor greets him and asks if he’s got time
to answer a couple of quick questions.
“No problem boyo” says the farmer, “go right ahead.
“Well,” said the professor,
“what I’d like to know first is, do you own any sheep here?”
“Of course boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have.
We’ve got loads of ‘em”
“Great, now the next question is a bit personal –
do you use your sheep for sex?”
“Ohh, too right boyo.
There’s three or four out there who are my particular favorites.”
“So, how exactly do you …. do it?”
“Well, normally I take them down to the river,
I slap their back feet in my wellies,
the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven boyo”
The professor thanks him and heads for the airport.
Having heard about the Kiwis, he heads out to New Zealand
with exactly the same plan.
He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses.
“Round up the sheep, head ‘em up towards a cliff and off you go.
Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff,
bloody marvelous mate.”
Again, the professor thanks him and decides
that his research needs only one more addition.
So he jets off to the world center of sheep shagging, Australia.
Once in Australia, he drives out to the bush,
finds the biggest farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door.
He repeats his questions to the farmer
“Too right mate. Usually I stick their back legs in me wellies,
front legs over me shoulders and away we go!”
“So the sheep faces you? That’s strange –
I’ve been talking to people around the world about this,
and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them.”
The Aussie is shocked.
For a few seconds he can’t speak,
then he manages to stutter:
“What? No kissing?”



a bunch of signs that have been gathering dust on my computer

If I tell you, I will have to kill you


What is life like under the sea?
Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world?
Is everyone united for a common porpoise?
Or do they all split off in their own special groupers?
Well, one tragic story indicates it's not so perfect down there.
There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility.
He was, in fact, one of its flounders.
Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities,
he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.
O ne day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper,
started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon's treatments
had made him more eel than he had been
and he conked him with a malpractice suit.
Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral.
The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster.
But fortunately, the case smelt to high heaven;
so the judge denied the plaintiff's clam.
The board tried to hire the sturgeon back
, but by then, he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard.
But what's really shad about the story
is that the sturgeon ended up on squid-row.

Blast from the Past
[twin spin]



A man enters a pharmacy and requests a supply of Viagra.
The clerk sends him over to speak with the pharmacist.
The pharmacist tells the man he would need a doctor's prescription
in order for her to dispense the drug.
The man, seemingly pacified, leaves.... and returns with a gun.
He pulled a handgun and demanded Viagra again.
The pharmacist gave him four full bottles
and two partial bottles, then the man fled.
The police sergeant, who was first on the scene, pondered,
"This makes me wonder.
Do we look for a hardened criminal?"


Men and Women

A man says to his friend:
"My wife's credit card got stolen last week."
"That's a shame," says the friend:
"have you told the police?"
"No way," says the man:
"the thief is spending less than she did

25th anniversary
On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary,
the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening
."Oh. it's not over yet," says he
.Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box.
She opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills,
"What in the world are these?"
"Aspirin," he replies
."But I don't have a headache," says she.

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard, the "Cup",
was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years
for men to realize that their brain is
also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing



but I leave you with this


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