355

This Sunday is Fathers Day "Down under"

RIP Dad

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The attractive wife told her husband she was going on vacation with a girlfriend.

She spent a wild, wonderful week with her fabulously wealthy lover,

who, at the end of the week gave her a beautiful $10,000 mink coat

.Obviously, she couldn't bring it home and so she devised a plan.

She pawned the mink coat.

She later casually mentioned to her husband she had found a pawn ticket

."Honey, on your lunch break today can you stop at the pawn shop

and see what this is?" she asked, handing the pawn ticket to her husband

.Her husband returned that evening and told his wife it was nothing but a cheap watch.

The next day his secretary was wearing a $10,000 mink coat.

thanks toni
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-

Those funny Animals

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Amy and Jamie are old friends.

They have both been married to their husbands for a long time --

Amy, forty-five years, Jamie coming up on their golden anniversary.

Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive any more.

"As I get older, Theodore doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

"I'm so sorry for you. As I get older my husband, Jimmie,

says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jamie.

"Yes, but that is quite easy for me to understand.

Your husband is an antique dealer!"


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SOMETHING AUSSIE

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A mute was walking down the street one day

and chanced upon a friend of his; also a mute.
In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing.

The friend replied (vocally!)
“Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!”
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details.

Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage,

had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.

Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.
They got an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage.

The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy,

and that there was no reason why he couldn’t be helped as well.
“Yes, yes” signed the mute. “Let’s have the first treatment right now!”
“Very well,” replied the specialist.

“Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants

and lean over the examining table. I’ll be right in.”
The mute does as instructed,

and the doctor snuck in carrying a broomstick, a mallet and a jar of Vaseline.

Greasing the broom handle, he ‘sent it home’ with a deft swipe of the mallet.
The mute jumped from the table, screaming,
“AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!”
“VERY good,” smiled the doctor.

“Next Tuesday, we work on ‘B’.”


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Computers and Stuff

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---

-
Just say In Bed after each sentence

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Blast from the Past




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A priest belonged to a Mission in the jungle where he has spent years

teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing

he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says

"This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results

when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top,

he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,

"Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly,

pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief

that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized

and be kind to each other,

so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

thanks Liz Z

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Bear Flop




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Hack golfer

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club,

playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy

.Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day.

Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.

He looks at the caddy and says

,"I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says,

"I don't think you could keep your head down that long."


-
Cool Golf Carts

Two couples went out golfing together.

The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.

The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball,

missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process.

No one commented.

She addressed the ball again, but this time she passed just little gas

as she made contact with the ball,

topping it and moving it only a short distance.

She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said,

"I don't think you gave it enough gas!"


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LOL


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On the Couch

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Lets Dance



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A real man is a woman's best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do;

to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions

and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman

in the room and will enable her to be the most

confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

It's wine that does all that.

Never mind.


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· Have you ever wondered what the difference

between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?
Well here it is:
A man, who worked away from home all week,

always made a special effort with his family on the weekends

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter

out for a drive in the car for some bonding time --

just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however,

he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue

and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned,

the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see herGrandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied,

'and do you know what?

We didn't see a single arsehole, blind bastard,

dip shit or wanker anywhere we went today!'

-----------------

bit naughty



thanks Duke


-------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with the girl with an angel in her voice

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