356

This week we lost Mick Edwards from ELO

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I recently asked my friends' little girl what she

wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President of the United States.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there

So I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people..

.Her parents proudly beamed

."Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her

."But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that.

Tell you what - you can come over to my house and mow the lawn

pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50.

Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out,

and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house

." How about doing something Wonderful like that?

She thought that over for a few seconds,

then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,

"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work,

and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said,

"Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

----

Gotta love Steve Martin

thanks Liz Z

--

-

Those Funny Animals

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably the family Dog

thanks Liz and Allan

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Ticklish Camel

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thanks Liz Z

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Wisdom
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

.Ø Do not argue with an idiot.

He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more

than standing in a garage makes you a car

.Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list

.Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people

appear bright until you hear them speak

.Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left

.Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

.Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

.Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening',

and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.

To steal from many is research

.Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station

.Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,

but it takes a whole box to start a campfire

?Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything

but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs

.Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,

they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish

.Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money,

if you can prove that you don't need it

.Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says

"If anemergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR"

.Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,

but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street

with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president

and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman.

Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to sky dive twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real,

but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such away

that you will look forward to the trip

.Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home,

even if you wish they were

.Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to

be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot

.Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon,and a shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the

Fire Department usually uses water

.Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be

.Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes,

why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

thanks Duke

------

Fun at the wedding

[Too bad about the camera]

---

Cowboys and Indians

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Octopus Love

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Blonde guy

A blonde guy goes to the big football game,

he has great seats on the 50 yard line, 8 rows up, perfect.

Just before kickoff he hears someone behind him yelling,

"Arnold, we're up here, Arnold!"

He turns around and misses the kickoff!

A short while later, just as the quarterback throws a long bomb,

the same guy starts yelling

,"Hey Arnold, we're up here, Arnold!!"

Again he turns around and again he misses the play

This goes on for every big play.

He hears the guy shouting

,"Hey Arnold, look up here!"

He turns around and misses the play.

Finally, fuming mad, he turns around,

pulls out his binoculars and scans the crowd

for the guy doing all the yelling.

He eventually spots him,

after missing yet another big play.

He runs up the stands,

nearly to the top of the stadium.

Pulls the guy out into the aisle,

picks him up by the lapels and shouts

"Shut-up, my name isn't Arnold!!"


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Blast from the Past
"I think I'll go out to Alberta"

--------------

Miguel Rodriquez long suffered from insomnia.

It was a rare night that he slept more than an hour.

He had consulted numerous physicians in Mexico and the United States

but none had been able to help him.

Even the strongest sedatives could not give him a restful night of sleep.

One day, Miguel met and fell in love with a beautiful señorita named Esta Gonzales.

Now when he wants to sleep he just looks at her picture.

After all, Miguel has known from his childhood

that when you see Esta, you sleep. ------- Stan Kegel

A broccoli, a tomato and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner,

didn't have the strength to finish the race.

The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first stretch,

but the tomato quickly fell behind.

The yam was about to reach the end of the track,

but collapsed in exhaustion right before the finish line.

Over the course of an hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won.

Why was the tomato so successful?

The tomato paste itself! ------ Stan Kegel


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Tasty Lemons



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A miracle healer invites two people up on stage to try to cure them.

The first man is named Simon,

and he's walked with crutches all his life.

The second man is named Paul and he has a lisp.
The healer sends them both behind a curtain,

says a little prayer, and then shouts:

"You're both healed! Simon, throw your crutches over the curtain."
The healer catches the crutches and the crowd cheers.

The healer continues: "Now, Paul! Say something!"
A voice comes from behind the curtain:

"Thimon'th fallen over!"


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SOMETHING AUSSIE

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MEN

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A guy visits a library and approaches the desk.
“Excuse me,” he says:

“Do you have the new self-help book for men with small dicks?”
The librarian replies: “No, it’s not in yet.”
“Yep, that’s the one,” says the man

------

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Brains
"A man finally realizes that there is something abnormal about him

and goes to see a doctor.

The doctor examines him and says,

“Like everyone else, your brain is divided into two parts,

the left and the right.''

The abnormality is that on your left side there is nothing right,

and on the right side there is nothing left.”"


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For the Smokers





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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this

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