359

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Norwegian Cooking

You don't have to understand Norwegian to enjoy this video

Apparently the gravity pull is stronger

the closer you get to the Artic Circle

stolen from Miss Cellania

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---

more of the same

Tilted Room

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-

An elderly man goes to his doctor and says:

“Doc, I think I'm getting senile.

Several times lately, I’ve forgotten to zip up.”
“That's not senility,” replies the doctor:

“Senility is when you forget to zip down.”

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Global Warming

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GM

thanks Liz Z

----------------

From halfway across the store, I could hear a mother calling her son:

"Jimmy, Jimmy!"

I turned a corner into another aisle and found a six-year-old by himself,

playing with some umbrellas.

"Are you Jimmy?" I asked.

"Yes, I am."

"Didn't you hear your mother call?"

"Yes."

"Aren't you going to go to her?"

He shook his head.

"Naw, she isn't hysterical yet."

--------------



Aliens

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understanding men talk

-
"'I'M GOING FISHING' Means:

'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,

and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand,

while the fish swim by in complete safety.

''IT'S A GUY THING' Means:

'There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,

and you have no chance at all of making it logical

''CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?' Means:

'Why isn't dinner already on the table?

''UH HUH,' 'SURE, HONEY,' OR 'YES, DEAR...' Means:

Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response

'IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN' Means:

'I have no idea how it works.

''I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.' Means:

'I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra

''TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.' Means:

'I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner

''THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.' Means:

'Are you still talking’


------

Those funny Animals

German Dogs in an English Pub understanding Japanese on Dutch television

---

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole

They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said,

“Mmmmm, smell sausage.”

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said

“Mmmmm, I smell pancakes.”

The babymole tried to reach his head outside the hole

but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles.

The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”


-----------------


---
SOMETHING AUSSIE

--------------

Camel Stew.
It is attributed to the Australian bush painter Jack Absalom,

and appeared in one of the bush cookbooks he published.

The recipe appears, with one small variation or another,

in various other places -

places where there are plenty of camels that is!

Camel Stew

3 medium sized camels

1 ton salt

1 ton pepper

500 bushels of potatoes

200 bushels of carrots

3000 sprigs of parsley

2 small rabbits

Cut camels into bite-sized pieces.

This should take about two months.

Cut vegetables into cubes (another two months)

Place meat in pan and cover with 1000 gallons of brown gravy

Shovel in pepper and salt to taste

When meat is tender, add vegetables.

Simmer slowly for 4 weeks.

Garnish with parsley.

Will serve 3800 people.

If more are expected, add two rabbits.

------

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike

on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins

they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced

that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive

after his death will be cut by 25% this April, from seventy-two to only fifty-four.

The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years

of the number of suicide bombings

and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union,

the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.)

responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members

and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,

"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.

We don't ask for much in return,

but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands

in which he currently resides,

Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns,

but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.

They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day

Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

"Thanks to Western depravity,

there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the Afterlife.

It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.

I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell three thousand

of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland, Wales

and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike

would not affect their operations as

"There are no virgins in our areas anyway!"

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings

has been put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle --

now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like,

they are not so keen on going to paradise.

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thanks Josie J



------



"her indoors".." the Cheese and Kisses"

Deathbed

Becky was on her deathbed.

Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side.

He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face.

His praying roused her from her slumber.

She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly

."My darling Jake," she whispered

."Hush, my love," he said.

"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

She was insistent

. "Jake," she said in her tired voice.

"I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake.

"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake.

I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

"I know darling," he replied.

"That's why I poisoned you."

---

Old Spice



thanks Ray S

another version

----------

cool doormats

------------

BLAST FROM THE PAST




---------------

Psychiatrist and Proctologist
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist,

opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign,

so the doctors changed it to read,

"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either

, so in an effort to satisfy The council, they changed the sign to

"Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go.

Next, they tried:

"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds."

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in

"Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

Unacceptable again!

So they tried

"Analysis and Anal Cysts."

Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?"

No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end,

the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones,

Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it

For a Gynaecologists' Assistant

"Can you give me some more details about this?"

he asks the girl behind The desk.

The Centrelink Assistant sorts through her files and replies.

"Oh, yes, here it is. OK,

the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear,

lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.

Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair,

then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.."

"There's a starting annual salary of $85,000,

but you're going to have to go to Wagga Wagga "

"Oh, Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant,

"that's the end of the queue."


thanks Josie J

---------

-----------

From the land of N Zedders




------------------

Not Quite Romantic Lines

Love may be beautiful,

love may be bliss

But I only slept with you,

because I was pissed.

-
I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother.
-

Roses are red,

violets are blue,

sugar is sweet,

and so are you

But the roses are wilting,

the violets are dead,

the sugar bowl’s empty

and so is your head.

-
Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face.

-
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not.

-
I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.

-
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

-
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

-
I see your face when I am dreaming.

That’s why I always wake up screaming.

-
My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?


-----


Stop Vegie Abuse



-------




PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Please, take care of yourself.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health

and the Department of Motor Vehicles

indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes

who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.

They cause 3 times as many accidents.

This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being

---------------------
PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this

---

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.