371

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Blast from the Past [1992]

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Modern Day Sayings
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer

.CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor

to mistake himself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants

as the market keeps crashing

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets

equally between themselves

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker

who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears

down the toilet.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

thanks Duke

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Not tonight dear, I got a headache

EMBED-Dude Drops Hot Chick On Her Head - Watch more free videos

Those FunnyAnimals

thanks Don H

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Sexual Revolution

Two men were talking, seated on the benches in the City Park.

"My grandson asked me what I did during the Sexual Revolution," said one

."And what did you tell him?" asked the other

."I told him I was captured early

and spent the entire duration washing the dishes," the first man replied

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SOMETHING AUSSIE

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The minister dies and the congregation decides,

after some time, that his widow, should marry again

. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher.

Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living

with a bible scholar, she accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath -

the new husband tells his wife,

"Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend

it was a blessing to have sex."

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her,

"According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her,

"My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night."

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her,

"My aunt says that a Christian man always starts

the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it."

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market

and meets a friend that asks her,

"So how is the new husband?"

"Well, an intellectual he isn't,

but he comes from a wonderful family."


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thanks Duke


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KIDS

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Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied,

"Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,

he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties;

he was in his birthday suit

.Looking her over, he asked,

"Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle,

my body is yours to explore,

but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same-

she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit-

but now he was wearing a black condom

.She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

thanks Liz And Alan



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MEN

thanks Josie J

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women:

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE


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thanks Wayne W
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Women

"And thus, dear students, we have arrived at the formula for understanding women."


thanks Duke

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My wife, a registered nurse,

once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way.

Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over.

I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder into the attic,

I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam.

Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands,

and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt.

On the way down the ladder,

I missed the last two rungs and turned my ankle

When I limped into the kitchen,

my wife took one look and said,

"Are those your good pants?"

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thanks Liz Z


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Old Woman
As I grow in age, I value older women most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why.
An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,

“What are you thinking?”

She doesn’t care what you think.
An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,

what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 50 gives a damn what you might think about her.
Older women are dignified.

They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera

or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.

Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you

if they think they can get away with it.
Most older women cook well.

They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.
An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.

A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend

because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women.

Older women couldn’t care less.
Women get psychic as they age.

You never have to confess your sins to an older woman.

They always know.
An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick.

This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two,

an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Her libido’s stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone.

Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal

and she’s lived long enough to know how to please a man

in ways her daughter could never dream of.

(Young men, you have something to look forward to.)
Older women are forthright and honest.

They’ll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.
Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 50,

there is a bald, paunchy relic in plain pants

making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.

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Religion

Son of a Baptist minister

A little son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning

when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion.

He was greatly interested in it,

and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.

The first kitten bore it very well,

and so did the young cat,

but the old family cat rebelled.

It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away.

With considerable effort he caught it again

and proceeded with the ceremony.

But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit,

and scratched his hands and face.

Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water,

he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said:

"Fine, be an Atheist."


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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave with this
[just love this song]

It keeps rainin' an rainin

'Tears from my eye

sSince you've gone

All I do is cry

Won't somebody help me?

Somebody help me

Can't you see?

That my baby done left me

She left me reelin' and rockin

'Walkin' the floor

She left a note last nigh

tShe won't be back no more

It keeps rainin' an rainin'

Tears from my eyes

Since you gone

All I do is cry

Won't somebody help me

Somebody help me?

Can't you see?

That my baby done left me

She left me reelin' and rockin

'Walkin' the floor

She left a note last night

She won't be back no more

--------------

Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving messages

about my dog

after it savaged 7 Muslims, 2 Aboriginals and an Indian taxi driver.

For the last time,

he is NOT for Sale!!


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If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
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