Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Four retired Army vets are walking down the street window shopping.
Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar"
over the doorway of an entry into an establishment
that doesn't look all that well kept up.
They look at each other then go in.
On the inside, they realize in this case,
they could judge the 'book by it's cover'.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini.
In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis -
shaken not stirred and says, "That'll be 40 cents, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other -
they can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and or! der another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with!
The bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says,
"How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here.
And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about.
I don't waste money on that stuff.
But, here's my story.
I'm a retired Master Sargent and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million
and decided to open this place for real veterans.
Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis
and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the! bar
who didn't have a drink in front of them
and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man finished his martini and,
gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,
"What's with them?"
The bartender says,
"Oh, those are retired Marines.
They're waiting for happy hour."

A cute Story
When I bought my new Corvette,
my two sons asked me who would inherit it if I met my demise.
I pondered the question,
then told them if I passed away on an even day,
the son born on an even day would get it.
If it happened on an odd day, the one born on the odd day would get it.
A few weekends later, while river rafting with one of my sons,
I was tossed out of the boat.
As I floated in the rapids,
I heard my son yelling,
"It's the wrong day!"
Those Funny Animals


It's gangs like these that the people of Calgary have to put up with.
.A bit different from the problems in other cities..
It proves that every City has their own "unique" gang problems
They roam the streets and yards night and day.
They hang out in even the best neighborhoods!.
.and you CANNOT (legally) stop them.


Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro, arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them:
"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro.
Quattro means four!"
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car
and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot!
Call your supervisor over,
I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy,
"Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."



The Cherokee's with their version of the Cab Calloway hit

For 30 years every day old Moishe ate at "Abe's Kosher Delicatessen".
Old Moishe was an honored guest and had his own reserved stool at the counter.
He was loved by everyone and was generous to all the servers and staff.
Abe, the owner loved Moishe too.
One day Moishe didn't show at his regular time.
Abe was worried a bit as he realized Old Moishe was a widower
and lived alone but then got busy and forgot about Moishe's absence.
The next day, no Moishe.
Now Abe was worried
. He phoned Moishe's number and got no answer.
He even called a few local hospitals
and even called Moishe's daughter in Israel to no avail.
Abe couldn't sleep that night wondering what had happened.
Next day again no Moishe!
Now Abe was really concerned and just as he was about to call the cops
and 911 he glanced out the window
and saw Moishe going into "Goldberg's Deli" across the street.
Abe took off out the door and raced across the street
narrowly missing getting hit be a bus
and confronted Moishe just as he was sitting down.
Abe screamed, "Where the hell have you been!
I lost sleep and spent good money phoning around about you
and what are you doing here at Goldberg's.
You know he's my worst enemy! Explain to me Moishe!!"
Moishe looked at Abe and said calmly,
"Settle down Abraham, settle down, you'll be having a heart attack.
I'll be telling you what happened okay."
"I went to the dentist 3days ago and had one of those root canals
. Oy the pain! The dentist gave me some pills
and said 'Moishe, for a few days eat on the other side.'"



Blast from the Past


One ardent couple paused their passion long enough for the young man to whisper,
"Darling, am I the first man to make love to you?"
Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable.
"Of course you are!" she said,
"and the best, too--
I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."



you are lucky where you live!!

Meanwhile rush hour in Holland


I heard today on the news that a woman ran out of the church
in the middle of her own wedding ceremony.
No one heard her say anything.
She just threw off her headdress and ran out the side door of the church
with a very determined expression on her face.
Members of the wedding party spent the rest of the afternoon
and much of the evening searching for the woman,
who was still believed to be wearing her bride's dress, but without avail.


Mike’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day,
so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss,
and has a heavy German accent.
He asks Mike, “Vat sims to be ze problem?”
Mike says, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go “tick-tock-tick-tock” anymore,
now it just goes “tick...tick...tick.”
The old man says, “Mmm-Hm!” and steps behind the counter,
where he rummages around a bit.
He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.
Then he says in a menacing voice...
“Ve haf vays of making you tock!”








Sunday School teacher
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students
that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact
about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked,
"And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny.
"Yesterday we were driving down the highway,
and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him,
'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"




but i leave you with this


All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at


Mike Golch said...

I swiped the veterans one.

Sandee said...

Bwahahahaha. Some great ones here today. I stole two of them.

Have a terrific day. :)

Anonymous said...

A big Aaaaaah goes to the cute babies.

The funny animals had me going, and I'll post it on my Facebook page.

I must be the greediest of us all here, because I'm stealing a whole bunch of your good stuff.

It's always a pleasure to listen to the Beatles, and what a treat to hear UNCLE ALBERT again.

Keep on entertaining us Phil, but please don't eat on the other side...!
Have a great weekend!
Celeste in Basel.

Little Johnny all grown up said...

No.. honest. The Little Johnny jokes aren't true!! I was not as bad of a kid as those things say I was. You can get the REAL Little Johnny stories on