Tuesday, November 30, 2010



378
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AIRPORT SECURITY


thanks Liz Z
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thanks Duke




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thanks Josie J
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"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara,"exclaimed the Muslim.
"Suddenly, a fierce sandstorm appeared out of nowhere.
I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel
while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand.
But I didn't lose my faith in Allah.
I prayed and prayed, and suddenly, for ten miles all around me,
the storm stopped and I was able to get back to my village.
The Christian chimed in. "One day while I was fishing in a little rowboat in the ocean,
a giant storm came from nowhere. 50 foot waves!
I thought my end had truly come. I prayed and prayed to God,
and then, for ten miles around me, the storm ceased
and I was able to row back to shore."
The Jew started. "I was in the middle of New York City.
Suddenly, a black bag on the ground appeared out of nowhere.
I put my hand inside and found that it was full of cash.
I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday
and we're not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath.
But I didn't lose my faith. I prayed and prayed,
and suddenly, for ten miles around me, it was *Tuesday* !"

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Your First Christmas Card




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A defendant was on trial for murder.
There was very strong evidence indicating guilt,
but no corpse had been found.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer,
knowing that his client would probably be convicted,
decided to try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"
the lawyer said as he looked at his watch: "
Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked eagerly.
A minute passed.
Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said:
"Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation.
I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt
in this case as to whether or not anyone was killed
and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate.
But after only a few minutes,
they came back and pronounced their verdict: guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked:
"You must have had some doubt.
I saw all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied:
"We all looked - but your client didn't!"


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This looks like fun

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Those Funny Animals















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This lady is shopping in a supermarket
when she notices this handsome muscular boy
doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.
Making sure she goes through his line,
she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds,
"Sure lady."
They no sooner get out of the store when she again leans over and whispers,
" You know, I have an itchy pussy."
To which he responds,
"You'll have to point it out lady,
all those Japanese cars look alike to me!!"

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SOMETHING AUSSIE





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THIS IS NATURE TAKING A BREAK
Mystery solved....
This is nature taking a break:
Rain barrel with bear
People living in Colorado Springs wondered
why their rain water barrel was almost empty every day.
They set up a couple of cameras
and look what they caught on film!










thanks Liz Z


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Idiots Galore
Take your pick



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Banned in the USA




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Seems that a tribal chieftain's daughter was offered
as a bride to the son of a neighboring potentate in exchange
for two cows and four sheep.
The big swap was to be effected on the shore of the stream
that separated the two tribes.
The chief and his daughter showed up at the appointed time,
only to discover that the groom and his livestock
were on the other side of the stream.
The father grunted,
"The fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."

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I'm an obstetric nurse at a large city hospital,
where our patients are from many different countries and cultures.
One day while waiting for a new mother to be transferred to our division,
I checked the chart and assumed that because of her last name,
she was of European descent.
When she was finally wheeled in,
I was surprised to see that she was Asian.
As I was performing the exam,
we chatted and she told me she was Chinese
and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czech.
After a short pause she quipped,
"I guess that makes my baby a Chinese Czecher!"
-- Stan Kegel



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Blast from the Past



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A couple stepped up to the desk clerk of one of the city's hotel.
"I'd like a room with a bath for my wife and myself,
said the young man.
"I'm terrible sorry, sir," said the clerk,
"but the only room available doesn't have a bath..only a shower."
"Will that be all right with you, darling?"
the man asked the young woman at his side.
"Sure, mister," she said.

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Wasted in the Movies

Wasted In Movies Supercut - Watch more Funny Videos


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thanks Don H


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One night my husband, a retired Army colonel,
was watching a program on TVabout paratroopers.
As one D-Day jumper began to comment,
Lee exclaimed,"That's Jack Norton!
I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him."
Then, after watching the man speak for a few moments, he quietly remarked.....
."You know you're getting old when you have more friends on the History Channel
than in the news."

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Miscellaneous Cartoons










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Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice
."Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"
"No , Morris, a man should not profit from another man's mistakes" answered the rabbi
."Are you sure Rabbi?"
"Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi
." Ok , Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning
the two hundred dollars I gave you
for marrying me to my wife?"



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Parliamentary speech






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One way to lay pipe..Russian Style


PHILS PHILOSOPHY
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but I leave you with




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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.


5 comments:

Sandee said...

I stole the TSA one. What a hoot and so very true.

Have a terrific day. :)

robomonkey said...

My TSA humor

Anonymous said...

I just added your web page to my favorites. I like reading your posts. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Thanks again for the good laughs Phil!!

I certainly enjoyed Frank Ifield's yodeling song - - although I've been living in Switzerland for many decades, yodeling is something I haven't heard for yonks (sad but true)

Many moons ago, I had a cousin, who yodeled better than any "true blue Swiss"

At a later stage I will be posting your yodeling video on my facebook page - - thanks for the memory and for the people who are blessed with the "yodel" in their vocal cords!!

Have a great day Phil,, and do not stop yodeling!!
Celeste in Basel

Anonymous said...

–ź! Ich wollte so etwas auf meiner Webseite zu ver√∂ffentlichen und dies gab mir eine Idee. Cheers.