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As I write this some of the most devastating floods

in 100 years have hit South East Queensland
Some parts of Queensland have received 650 mm of rain [25 inches]

in the past few weeks

As of tonight 10 people are confirmed dead with over 70 missing

and grave concerns held for at least 15 of those

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And here in the West
we have heatwave conditions with an arsonist lighting fires in Lake Clifton area
which destoyed nine homes in a massive bushfire
which is still burning out of control
Luckily no lives were lost


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Those funny Animals

This dog is a better singer than me!!!

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Veterinarian
"One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering,

the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.

It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected

and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,

approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week

in the collection plate,' he stated

.'Why yes,' she replied,

'every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.

'The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful, how much does he send you?'

The old lady said, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed.

'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?''

He is a veterinarian,' she answered.

'That is an honorable profession,' the pastor said.

'Where does he practice?'

The old lady said proudly,

'In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.'"

stolen from Slavenka and Obi

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This video is for Dustin C in WI
he is pretty good at this game as well




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St. Peter is very busy in Heaven,
so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell."
Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings.
He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again.
He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back;
again, no one's there, and he's now really, /really/ irritated.
"Okay, that's it," he says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on."
So St. Peter hides, and a moment later,
a little old man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells,
"Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says
."Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?"
St. Peter asks
"They keep resuscitating me."

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Useless Cat




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Nursery Rhymes and others

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Parallel Lines


The film must be no more than three minutes long-

It must be as cinematic as possible-

It must feature the following dialogue

and no other lines

'What is that?'

'It's a unicorn',

'Never seen one up close before',

'Beautiful',
'Get away, get away'

'I'm Sorry.'




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The Tractor Guy
There's this guy who really loves tractors.

I mean loves them.

He has pictures of tractors on his walls,

he has model tractors on his shelf.

There are tractor blueprints on the coffee table, the works.

So, one day, the tractor fair comes to town and he thinks to himself

"Okay, this is the year I finally do it, I'm going to buy a tractor."

So off he goes to the fair.

He wanders around for a while, and sees a beautiful little green tractor.

He gets in and starts it up.

The engine purrs and it drives smoothly around the test area.

He falls in love.

The salesman comes over and says "Can I help you"

"Yeah" says the man, "I'm interested in this tractor. How much is it?"

"This tractor is $25,000, sir," says the salesman.

Well, that's a little too rich for the man's blood,

so he thanks the salesman and keeps looking.

About an hour later he sees this amazing red tractor.

It's got an enclosed cabin, an air horn, a big powerful engine.

He turns it on and it chugs into life and he drives it around the test area.

It's amazing.

The salesman comes over and asks if he can help

."Yes," says the man. "I love this tractor, how much is it?"

"This tractor is $35,000, sir" says the salesman.

Well, he can afford that even less than the green one,

so, a bit dejected, he walks away.

And then he sees it.

It's big. It's black.

It's the tractor of his dreams.

He gets in, the engine roars to life and a heads-up display flickers on.

He controls the tractor by voice as he drives around the test area

and moves the digger up and down etc.

It's the best tractor in the world.

The salesman comes over

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah", says the man. "I'm thinking of buying this one. How much?"

"This tractor is $50,000 sir," says the salesman.

Well, he's so depressed he leaves the show

and walks to his local bar, almost crying.

The barman pours him a drink and asks what's wrong

."Well, you know this thing I have for tractors?" he says.

The barman says yes.

The man continues "Well, I went to the tractor show today,

and there was this amazing green tractor, but I couldn't afford it.

Then there was an even better red tractor, ah, but I couldn't afford that either.

And then, I saw this huge black tractor, the tractor of my dreams.

But, I couldn't afford it."

He's crying openly now.

"You know what, I'll never own a tractor" he sobs.

"That's it. I'm done. I'm going to throw away the pictures.

I'm going to smash the models.

I'm going to burn the blueprints.

I'm done with tractors.

Forever.

"The barman is a kindly sort and takes pity on him.

"That's a real shame," he says.

"I know how much tractors meant to you.

Tell you what, just as a small compensation, might help you feel a bit better -

it's pretty smoky in here tonight.

If you can clear the smoke for me, I'll give you free drinks for the night

and you can drown your sorrows."

The man agrees, and stands up on the table.

Taking a huge breath in he draws all the smoke in the room into his lungs,

and then blows it all out the window.

Then he goes and has his free drinks for the rest of the night.

There's a little old couple by the door

and the wife turns to the husband in amazement

. "Did you see that honey? Did you see what that man did?"

"Don't worry about it sweetie" replies her husband.

"It's perfectly natural. I overheard him talking to the bartender

and it seems he's an ex tractor fan."

stolen from Skips House of Chaos

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SOMETHING AUSSIE

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After finding Dr. Livingstone,

Stanley and his wife decided to tour Africa

and were captured by some unfriendly natives,

tied together with a long piece of leather,

and left dangling over a large cliff.

That evening, the natives danced and chanted around the campfire,

and as each member passed the leather strap holding the unfortunate couple,

he gave it a whack with a stick, causing it to weaken a bit more.

As the chanting grew louder and louder,

Stanley looked at his wife romantically and said,

"Listen, darling.

They're fraying our thong!" --

Richard Lederer & Stan Kegel

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Blast from the Past




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Twitter and Tweets

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I have posted this before but it worth a re-run



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A young woman really thought she'd been very patient,

through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant.

As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her,

So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied....

"Thrown."

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Waking Up
"One guy asks the other,

'Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?'

The second guy says,

'No, but I've woken up with plenty.'"
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When its time to go!!

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Bonus



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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this

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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.