387

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Now that 2010 has ended
I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water
without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know
what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS
to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because
I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me,
and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because
it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW
I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore
because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since
they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica ,Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..
I no longer buy cookies from PRESIDENT'S CHOICE since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU
I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE
I can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot
because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me
as I bend over as well as giving me herpes from the "hand"out.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda,
and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten
by theViolin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 344,000 people in the next 10 minutes,
a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon,
and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician .
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the fridge,
because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

thanks Don H

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Year to date statistics on Airport screening
from the Department of Homeland Security


Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemeroid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3


thanks Duke

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This is a fairy tale:

Once upon a time there was a rich and handsome king.

He sent fliers throughout his kingdom promising that whoever

brought him the head of the fearsome dragon that was terrorizing the countryside

could have all of his wealth or the hand of his lovely daughter in marriage.

Of course, all the able-bodied men in the kingdom went off in pursuit.

Three days later a fellow arrived at the palace door bearing the bloody head of the dragon.

"Well done," exclaimed the king.

"You may have my beautiful daughter's hand."

"Thanks, but I don't want your daughter," said the man.

"I see. Come with me to empty out the treasury," offered the king.

"Thanks, but I don't want your money either.

I want YOU, sweetie!"

So they lived happily ever after.

See, I told you it was a fairy tale.

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Many off you may have seen footage on TV about the massive floods in Eastern Australia

This picture [below] shows a bloke who captured these

Eastern Brown Snakes swimming in the floodwaters

The Eastern Brown snake is Diurnal (meaning it is active during the day).

When highly agitated, they hold their necks high, appearing in an upright S-shape.

The Eastern Brown snake usually seeks to flee when a confrontation occurs,

though it can be highly aggressive if it is provoked.
The Eastern Brown Snake is found all the way along the East coast of Australia,

from the tip of Cape York, along the coasts and inland ranges of Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria and South Australia
The Eastern Brown Snake is the second most venomous land snake in the world

after the Inland Taipan

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McTavish has dropped in on his old friend, Armstrong,
and after an hours chat, allows he must be going...
"Och,"says Armstrong, "I have forgotten my manners..now before ye go off,
ye'll be havin' a wee dram with me, won't you?"
"Ah..weel, since ye ask, I winna say no," nods McTavish..
.So Armstrong gets a bottle of Cragganmore from the shelf,
pours some into a glass, adds some water, and hands it to McTavish.
McTavish sips at the drink, runs his tongue around his lips..
.takes another sip and stares at the glass as if comtemplating it.
"So..how is the drink?", asks Armstrong.
"Ah,it's fine...fine..", replies McTavish, taking a third, tentative sip.
"But, I dinna see the smile of a man enjoying good whisky," says Armstrong.."
..the drink..it is no to yer likin'?"
"No, no..it's fine," repeats McTavish, " I do have one wee question, though...
when ye poured the drink, did ye put in the whisky, or the water first?"
"Why, ye were right here..ye know full weel I poured the whisky first!"
"Ah," says Armstrong, nodding "...good...I'll be comin' to it then!"

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A tourist walking past a Glasgow Pub noticed a long line up outside.
He looked inside, saw that the place was empty and seemingly opened for business.
He wandered in, asked the Barman if they were in fact open for business.
The barman assured him they were and would he like to order.
The fellow orders a pint of their finest lager.
The barman says "that'll be one pence."
The fellow pays up and has one of the finest pints he's ever tasted.
He asks the barman if he's sure about the price and is assured that is the price of a pint.
The fellow then says, "what's with the line-up out Front?"
the Barman says, "oh' that's the regulars,
they're waiting for Happy Hour".

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Dirty Floor




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Those funny Animals

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Gotta love this



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Air Force Test

This will drive you nuts!

Have fun!
The object of the game is to move the red block around

without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.
If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal.

It’s been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots.

They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.
Give it a try, but be careful, it is addictive!



Air Force Test

[after about 10 trys i got up to just over 8 seconds]

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Parallel Lines

- the Philips and RSA sequel to 2009's incredible Carousel campaign.
Would it be as good? Could it deliver the same wow factor?
Fortunately the five films in Parallel Lines not only stand up visually
as wonderful pieces of online content,
but the new campaign allows for much greater interaction - more of that later.
Ridley Scott Associates (RSA) gave the same brief to all of its directors,
written by the creative team at DDB London and designed to be as open as possible:-
The film must be no more than three minutes long-
It must be as cinematic as possible-
It must feature the following dialogue and no other lines
'What is that?',
'It's a unicorn',
'Never seen one up close before'
, 'Beautiful',

'Get away, get away',
'I'm Sorry.'
-
'Parallel Lines isn't just about demonstrating a product.
The campaign is about storytelling, and we're positioning Philips Cinema TV
as the only way to watch these stories.
Keen filmgoers amongst you may raise an eyebrow
at the inclusion of the word unicorn in the directors' brief,
as the mythical creature has been at the centre of a long-running debate
about its meaning in Ridley Scott's Bladerunner.
And for those with a penchant for detail,
there are a whole raft of extras hidden in the films.
Some relating to the product and some more esoteric,
although a reliable source informs us that you'll need a working knowledge
of Russian and Mandarin to find them all...




I must admit I had to watch this one twice

to get the gist of the story and to see if all the dialogue was included

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On a deserted Island

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An Aberdonian was visiting London.

Walking along Oxford St, he noticed a penny lying at the edge of the kerb.

Stepping off the kerb, he bent down to pick it up

and was run over and killed by a bus.

Coroners verdict..

.Death through natural causes!

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SOMETHING AUSSIE

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It's thought that Kate and William may go for a horse drawn carriage on their wedding day.

This has created fears that the large crowd may send the horse crazy.

This, however, wouldn't be the first time a crazy horsed-faced nag has ruined a Royal Marriage.

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What next!!!!


thanks Liz Z
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Text your life away

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Gay bloke goes to the doctor.

doctor says

"im afraid its bad news..

your HIV positive"

Gay bloke says

"sh*t ..what should i do??"

Doctor " well for starters you should make up a list of all the people

you've slept with.

.let them know to get tested.

"Gay bloke says

" what you think I have eyes in the back of my head!!!!"

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Patient: Doctor have I got HIV ?

Doctor: `fraid so.

Patient: Are you positive ?

Doctor : No,you are.

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Too cute!!


thanks Liz Z
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MEN

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Mary: "So this really drunk, obnoxious guy kept

bothering me at the party last weekend."

Jill: "What happened?"

Mary: "Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and asked me

, 'Do you want to suck it?'"

Jill: "Ohmigod! What did you do?"

Mary: "Well, I think I handled it pretty well.

I just said, 'No, you go ahead.

You don't have enough for both of us."

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Blast from the Past

The Scottish singer and songwriter Gerry Rafferty has died following an illness.

He was 63.
The Paisley-born musician was best known for his 1972 hit

Stuck in the Middle With You

with his band Stealers Wheel.
He tasted more success in 1978 with the song Baker Street

which reached number 3 in the UK charts

and number 2 in the US.

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BONUS

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The Power of Booze

A man walks into a bar and,

with the most sorry look on his face,

pleads to the bartender.

"Look, my wife has left me,

I've been fired,

I've just been mugged for all my money,

and I'm desperate for a drink.

Can you help me out?"

"Of course," said the bartender

, "The door is behind you.

Do you want to be pushed or carried?"

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John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a major car crash.
When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:

"I've got good news and bad news.....

Bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood

and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"
John screams "What the f*** is the good news then?"
"Your penis is 6" longer

and you are top of the housing list"


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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with




thanks Toni





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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.