396

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"If you are asked to donate money to help those

affected by the civil unrest in Egypt,

don't fall for it.

It's a pyramid scheme! "

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EMBED-Slip-n-Slide Fail - Watch more free videos

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######

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley

when he sees a girl about to Jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive,

he didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked

,"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does, with a deep tongue kiss.

After she's finished the biker says,

"Wow! That wasthe best kiss I have ever had!

That's a real talent you are wasting!

You could be famous!

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."

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Those funny Animals

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ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood

and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second

and tried to get back to sleep..

A few moments later she said:

"Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across,

gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said:

"Then you used to bite my Neck.."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed

. "Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"

-
thanks Kitty L
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-

Only in San Francisco

thanks Toni

--

##########


--
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a

rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one

and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind;

but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod

with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line.

It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just

by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds l ike a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed,

but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says,

'That'll be $34.50 please..

' The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?

How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00,

but the Duck Call is $11.00

and the Bear Repellent is $3.50

thanks Wayne W
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Nutcase

thanks Liz and Allan

---

##########

-

GOLF

How Much Do You Really Know about Golf?

This is multiple choice.

If you select a wrong answer,

the ball moves only so far down the fairway and stops

.... and you are charged with one stroke.

Keep selecting the answers that you think are correct

and the ball moves down the fairway until you get the right answer

and the ball goes in the hole.

If you have the correct answer right away,

the ball goes directly in the hole - a hole in one.

To play:

http://www.cincinnati.com/golf/golfquiz/html/brand.htm

thanks Toni

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"I just don't understand why men don't want women to golf with them,"

said Jill one day to her friend, Mary.

"TELL me about it!" replied Mary.

"I went golfing with my husband one time,

and he told me I could never go again.

He said I asked too many questions!"

"Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game.

What questions did you ask?" said Jill

"Legitimate questions, I thought," said Mary.

"Like what?" asked Jill?

Replied Mary, "Questions like,

'Why did you hit the ball into the trees?'

'Why are you digging up all that sand?'

'How are you going to get your ball out of that tree?'

Stuff like that."

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SOMETHING AUSSIE

######

One day a planet was discovered out Antares way

whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid,three miles high.

At first it was mistaken for animmense statue left by some vanished race of giants,

for it sat motionless on a yellow plain,

exhibiting nooutward sign of life.

It had legs, but it never rose to walk on them.

It had a mouth, but never ate or spoke.

It had what appeared to be a perfectly functional brain,

the size of a condominium, but the organ lay dormant

electrochemical activity at a standstill.

Yet it lived.

This puzzled the scientists, who tried everything they can think

of to get some sign of life from the behemoth --in vain.

It just sat, motionless and seemingly thoughtless,

until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance,screamed,

"How could evolution give legs, mouth,

and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"

It happened that he was the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence.

It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height,

scattering the clouds, thought for a second, boomed

"IT COULDN'T",

and squatted down again.

"My God," exclaimed the xenobiologist,

"of course! It onlystands to reason!"

---------

Villager: It was 'ere that Catherine of Aragon was bitten by a mad dog.

Tourist: Tudor?

Villager: Yes, chewed 'er something 'orrible it did.

########

Blast from the Past





#########

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.

It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint

surrounded by male customers with money.

I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter

how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.

This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Pretty funny!
Perception is rverything

thanks Duke


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---------------------------

Motivators

thanks Liz Z


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probably scared the s...t out of them

thanks Kitty L



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thanks Duke


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A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.

The father was explaining how ferocious

and strong tigers are,

and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

"Dad," the boy said finally,

"if the tiger got out of hiscage and ate you up ..."

"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.


###







MEN

Deathbed

Becky was on her deathbed.

Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side.

He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face.

His praying roused her from her slumber.

She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Jake," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said.

"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

She was insistent.

"Jake," she said in her tired voice.

"I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake

. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake.

I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

"I know darling," he replied.

"That's why I poisoned you."

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses

that she had purchased for her husband a week before

."What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband,

He's still not seeing things my way."
=======================
"Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings,

or when she does something wrong.

Always bear in mind that it is because of her shortcomings and weaknesses

that she could not find a better husband than you."

thanks Toni



#####


Don Robertson - Writing For The King
By: Elvis Australia Source:

For Elvis Fans OnlyJuly 17, 2008

- Elvis Articles, Elvis Interviews
Donald Irwin Robertson was born in Peking,

China 1922 to O.H. and Ruth Robertson.
His father, a noted physician and medical scientist

(developer of the first Blood Bank),

was then head of the Department of Medicine at Peking Union Medical College.

His mother, herself a talented pianist and poet/playwright,

noticing his interest in the piano,

started him on lessons at age four.
He began composing simple songs around age seven.

Elvis Presley LPM-1254
Elvis first recorded one of Don Robertson's songs,

I'm Counting On You, in 1956 for his first RCA album, Elvis Presley.
A few years later, Elvis invited Don to come to Radio Recorders in Hollywood

to meet with him.

They met and talked and hit it off.

After the session he invited Don to come up to his house for the evening.

This was the first of many get togethers in Hollywood, Bel Air and Las Vegas.

Elvis not only admired Don as a songwriter, but also as a pianist.

Don can be heard accompanying Elvis on piano, organ

and electric piano on the soundtrack of the movie, It Happened At The World's Fair.

In total Elvis Presley recorded 14 of Don Robertson's songs,

six of which are in Presley movies.






Elvis Presley I Met Her Today

Written by Don Robertson and Hal Blair.

Elvis recorded it October 16, 1961 at RCAs Nashville studios.

It is available on Elvis for Everyone,

Separate Ways, From Nashville to Memphis: The Essential 60s Masters,

and FTD Pot Luck.

I told you that some day

If you kept on being untrue

Somebody else would come along

And release me from you

You'll be glad to know now

Your fickle heart

Can have its own way

For it finally happened

I met her today

-

I used to think I just couldn't live

A day without you

In spite of the thousand doubts and tears

That you put me through

All at once I don't care as much for you

I'm sorry to say

For now there's another

I met her today

-

How I treasured each smile,

each kissYou gave to me now and then

Well, you needn't be kind to me now

Oh no, not ever again

-

Just when the last bitof pride in me was gone

Someone heard me pray

And sent me an angel

I met her today

I met her today



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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this





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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.