Wednesday, March 16, 2011


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Old Cowboy Joe

Old Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch
about his first visit to a New York City church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, who had been there before.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe.
"That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside
stolen from Skip House of Chaos
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Those Funny Animals









thanks David T

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Wins



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Fails




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thanks Gordon H

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thanks Kitty L


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At the Hop





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Golf Jokes


Playing golf with his buddies, George had to make a slick twenty-five-foot putt.
As he lined it up, he announced,
"I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt.
Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager.
Too bad, George missed the putt by ten feet,
and his friends gathered around to collect their money.
George pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written
"I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet...
and George is, too!
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After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor
about joining the church.
He hadn't met the husband before,
so he asked what church he was transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied,
"I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
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The panic-stricken golfer charged into the clubhouse,
grabbed the pro by the arm and said,
"You have to help! I was on the ninth hole,
and I hit a terrible slice.
The ball sailed right off the course and hit a guy riding a motorcycle.
He lost control and swerved into the path of a truck.
The truck tried to stop but jackknifed, rolled over and broke apart.
It was carrying hundreds of bee hives,
and now the angry bees are attacking everyone in sight.
It's awful! It's a disaster! What should i do?"
"Well, the first thing is you've got to keep your arms straight
and remember to get your right hand a bit more under the club."
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Bill was having a really bad day on the golf course.
Right around the 14th hole, it seems he had missed one putt too many.
He let loose with a fairly impressive string of profanities,
grabbed his putter, and stormed off toward the lake by the 15th tee.
"Uh-oh," said his caddie to one of his playing partners,
"there goes that club."
"You think so?" said his partner.
"I've got five bucks that says he misses the water!"

thanks Toni
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Can you Help ?
I have a favour to ask of you.
I have some friends from overseas who are camping
their way around the world.
They are keen to spend time in England/Canada/Australia/Europe/USA
with a view to immigration.
Given the current unrest in the world today
and the financial downturn they are somewhat worried
about camping in 'public' camping sites.
They have asked me if I know where they could go in safety
and where the accommodation (and meals) might be affordable.
I immediately thought of your Back Garden
and hope you don't think it's rude of me,
but I have taken the liberty of giving them your name and address
in the hope that you can find space for them for a month or two.
I hope you don't mind.
They are travelling in a couple of Mercedes
and will be bringing their own camping gear.
I have attached a picture to help in identification
so you will be able to welcome them when they show up.
Thank you in anticipation of your co-operation and hospitality.

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Joe's wife likes to sing.
She decided to join the church choir.
From time to time she would practice
while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner.
Whenever she would start in on a song,
Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said,
"What's the matter, Joe?
Don't you like my singing?"
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing,
but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

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The Grim Reaper











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Insanity






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I know a couple who works in the pharmaceutical industry.
He is a sales representative and she is a pharmacist.
When asked what they do for a living,
the husband is quick to reply.
"She makes drugs and I sell 'em."


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I bet you watch this twice




thanks Kitty L


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thanks Kitty L


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An economist is back in his old college town many years
after graduation and decides to drop in on one of his old professors.
He happens to see a copy of an exam sitting on the desk
so he picks it up to look at it.
Upon deciding that it looks familiar,
he comments to the professor that it is the same exam
that he had taken 10 years ago.
The professor assures him that this is correct
but adds that this time the answers are different.


thanks Toni


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These two hunters went deer hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a great plan.
They got themselves a very authentic doe costume
and learned the mating call of a doe in heat.
The plan was tohide in the costume, lure the buck in,
then come out of the costume and shoot the buck.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing in their costume,
and began to give the doe in heat call.
Before too long their call wasanswered by the biggest buck in the forest.
They called again, and the buck appeared closer to them.
They called again, and this time the buck came crashing out of the forest
and into the clearing.
As the buck strutted closer to the two hunters, the guy in front said,
"OK, lets getout and get him."
After a moment, that seemed like eternity,
the guy in the back shouts
"THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?"
The guy in the front says,
"Well, I'm going to start nibbling on grass,
but you better "brace" yourself!"

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Britains Got Talent




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PHILS PHILOSOPHY
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thanks Pommy Jayne
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Longtime readers of this blog know that I post this song often
Its time for a replay






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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.




video
thanks Liz and Alan

1 comment:

Sandee said...

Loved the last video the very best. Now that's one way of getting those kids to shut up. Just saying.

Have a terrific day. :)