Aussie Singer John PaulYoung is 61 today
For the second time in a row,
I was forced to impose on the woman
with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices.
I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again,
so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son,
my husband showed up.
Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all,
I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside.
I also explained to my son
that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house
chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived.
When my son returned from practice,
I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father.
But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."
The last of theWeiner Jokes
The Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You’ve got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has left the building!
9) Mini me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
3) You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
And The Number One Way To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped…
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
Novel ways to crack a beer
Those funny Animals
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.
Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said;
'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls
and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam
for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde,
'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter,
'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter,
'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you,
I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought
(I expect you to do the same).
The following morning,
St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions,
to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter,
'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time,
and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter,
'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde,
'there's the second of January, the second of February,
right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said,
'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'
And he walked away shaking hishead.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.
'I'll allow the answer to stand,
but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied:
'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter,
'And what is the answer?'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter,
and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer,
and turning to the blonde,
asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde
, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billyboiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...
thanks Shelagh N
There are10 faces in this picture
thanks Jayne M
thanks Shelagh N
The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows the numbers.
"Yes," he says, "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers little Johnny.
"What comes after six?"
"Very good," says the teacher.
"Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
Little Johnny smiles and says, "Jack."
Fable of the Porcupine
It was the coldest winter ever.
Many animals died because of the cold.
The porcupines, realising the situation,
decided to group together to keep warm.
This way they covered and protected themselves;
but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other
and they began to die, alone and frozen.
So they had to make a choice:
either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.
They learned to live with the little wounds
caused by the close relationship with their companions
in order to receive the warmth that came from the others.
This way they were able to survive.
Moral of the story:
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people,
but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others
and can admire the other person's good qualities.
The real moral of the story......
LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE.
thanks Gordon H
An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier
and take up golf.
So he puts his name down at the local club.
After a week he receives a message
that his application has been turned down.
So he goes down to the club to enquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I..
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry,
but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya man.
I know that you have to be a Protestant to
march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic
to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.
But this is the first time I heard, that you have to be a
complete prick to join a golf club.
thanks Don H
I'm safe , my wife doesn't read this blog
HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS B!TCH
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement -
not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear,
and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new,
young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,
and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said,
''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress.
After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping,
and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother
, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress?
You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do dear...
..I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''
Women are like phones -
they like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you’re disconnected!
thanks Shelagh N
AUSSIE ROAD TRAINS
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at email@example.com.