Friday, June 24, 2011



The story of Johnny Cash's 1984 song "Chicken in Black" is found at Wikipedia:

Cash's recording career and his general relationship with the Nashville establishment
 were at an all-time low in the 1980s
. He realized that his record label of nearly 30 years,
 Columbia, was growing indifferent to him and was not properly marketing him
(he was "invisible" during that time, as he said in his autobiography).
Cash recorded an intentionally awful song to protest,
 a self-parody.[citation needed] "Chicken in Black"
 was about Cash's brain being transplanted into a chicken.
Ironically, the song turned out to be a larger commercial success
 than any of his other recent material.
 Nevertheless, he was hoping to kill the relationship with the label before they did,
 and it was not long after "Chicken in Black" that Columbia and Cash parted ways

stolen from Miss Cellania




The largest condom factory in the United States burned down.
President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
 "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!
I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground.
It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.
We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea...
The Mexicans will have a field day with this one.
We'll be a laughing stock. What about Canada?”
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Stephen Harper and tell him we need five million condoms,
 ten inches long and three inches thick.
That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of 10,000 boxes
that had just arrived.
 He found it full of condoms, ten inches long, three inches thick, exactly as requested...
 all colored with red maple leaves with small writing on each one:



This is amazing
Have a little patience while it loads
It is worth the wait
From a helicopter. Don't get dizzy! Do full screen for best effect.

thanks Liz Z

 thanks Corey PG




Those Funny Animals


T i n k l e

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street
 when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
 Luckily the babies were OK.
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
 She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
 'What's wrong?' asked the mother.
 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
 'It's okay' said the Mom
, 'I know what happened
You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy,
 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

thanks Duke


I was at the store yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan!
I asked him how it was going and if he was into
making any more movies.

 I asked about Cheeta, he beamed and said she was doing good. She married a lawyer, had gotten some plastic surgery, and now lived in the White House!

thanks Brian W


How about this??

This is waaaay toooo coool !!! I love it!
This is certainly great for anyone who has difficulty getting in and out of a car.
Someone had a bright idea in England . Wonder how long it will take to get
this on the market in Japan and the U.S. ?

thanks Gordon H

thanks Liz Z and Gordon H


Great Australian Slang Dictionary: 33 essential phrases

Oi you! Lost in Sydney bar conversation?
 Applying for Aussie citizenship?
 Master these terms and you'll be fair dinkum
By Matt Khoury

33. Fair go, mate. Fair suck of the sauce bottle. Fair crack of the whip

Made famous by the ill-fated politician Kevin Rudd,
who enjoyed using Australian slang to speak to the electorate
and often pleaded for a "fair suck."
The phrase generally means that you want to be treated fairly.
“Fair suck” was coined by struggling Australian families
who shared droppings of tomato sauce to flavor their meat.
Such was the hard life that all they wanted was an equitable suck.
In the fields, they needed a “fair crack of the whip.” Fair go, mate.

32. No worries, mate, she’ll be right

Reflects a national stoicism that suggests everything (she)
will turn out fine in the end.
This being the case, there’s no real point in worrying about anything.

31. Have a Captain Cook

A look, a brief inspection.
In apparent honor of the first Brit to map eastern Australia,
Captain James Cook, who skippered the HMB Endeavour.
After landing at Botany Bay he sailed on past Sydney Harbour.
He had a Captain Cook (a look) and liked it.

30. What’s the John Dory?

John Dory is found in Sydney Harbour
and it’s great grilled with lemon and pepper, or deep-fried.
It also rhymes with story.
So when people want to know what’s going on,
or they’re requesting the “goss” (gossip), they ask what the John Dory is.

29. A few stubbies short of a six-pack. A few sandwiches short of a picnic

A six-pack has evolved to mean anyone with fit abdomens,
but long ago the six-pack was (and still is) a group of beers
. If one is perceived as being a little slow --
more than feeling “under the weather,”they’re actually quite dumb --
they’re a few stubbies short of a six-pack.
They’re not the“full quid.”
For those who don’t speak about money or alcohol,
they’re “a few sandwiches short of a picnic.”

28. Tell him he’s dreaming

Given air time by Michael Caton in "The Castle":
when you advise someone involved in a business transaction
to tell their counterpart that he’s "dreaming,”
you're suggesting that the other side is not offering a fair deal.

27. Dog’s breakfast

Messy, but doesn’t refer to food.
Often used by parents to describe their kids’ chaotic lives.
Not in order, a shambles,
no thought, just a bit of everything
. A “dog’s breakfast.”

26. Wrap your laughing gear ’round that

While some suggest you can laugh on the inside,
your main laughing gear is your mouth
. So when you wrap your laughing gear ’round something, you eat it.

25. Ripsnorter

Someone playing a good game of sport (having a “blinder”),
or something that’s exceptionally good.
Can also be “bonza” or “beaut”.33

24. Better than a ham sandwich. Better than a kick up the backside

Something that is better than nothing.
 Even if you are paid peanuts -- a pay rate that usually attracts monkeys --
 it’s better than a kick up the backside.
You’d prefer a “fair whack.”
 As things become more worthwhile,
 they may even be better than a ham sandwich.

23. Buckley’s chance

William Buckley was Australia’s very own Robinson Crusoe,
a man who escaped a convict ship during the first attempt to settle Melbourne in 1803.
 Three decades later, colonials returned to find a tattooed,
 two-meter tall, long-bearded man with half Aboriginal children who spoke tribal tongue.
 He picked up English within days.
They soon realized it was Buckley, who was given a pardon
 and used as a peacemaker between whites and blacks.
Buckley’s local knowledge led settlers to indigenous tribes throughout modern-day Victoria.
 He advocated cooperation with Aboriginals.
 After the 1840s decade of indigenous slaughter saw locals massacred,
 it was said that he had “Buckley’s chance” of making peace.
Buckley spent the latter part of his life as a poor loner in Tasmania.
 There was a concerted lobby for the government
 to give him a pension for his service to the colony.
Once again, he had “Buckley’s.”

22. Pull the wool over your eyes

Similar to “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse and chase the jockey,”
 this one derives from the bush.
21. Dog’s eye

There’s much conjecture about what really goes inside the national staple, a meat pie
. Is it beef? Kangaroo? The important thing is that it rhymes.
So when you’re having a pie,
it’s looking back at you, in a canine kind of way.
It’s a dog’s eye.
Could that really be the runny meat filling?

 A history of “earning a buck” around woolsheds
meant people had to give an honest day’s work
 (“eight hours' work, eight hours' play and eight bob a day”
 chanted the union movement).
Australians had to be genuine with each other
so they could all get their “fair share” of “spuds” (potatoes).
 If someone is being a little“sheepy,” dishonest, or “spinning a yarn,”
 they are trying to “pull the wool over your eyes.”

20. Bastards

Often used to refer to the British, or anyone who doesn’t play fair
. The last Australian to be shot by an English firing squad in the Boer War,
 Breaker Morant, famously shouted his last words:
 “Shoot straight, you bastards!”
During the infamous 1932-33 Bodyline cricket series,
English captain, Douglas Jardine,
 walked into the Australian dressing room to complain about being called a bastard.
 An Australian cricketer supposedly asked his team:
“Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?”
In politics, a third party, the Australian Democrats,
was formed in the 1970s to “keep the bastards honest.”

19. Toads, banana benders, cockies, sandgropers, crow eaters

These are favorite ways Aussies disparage those who live elsewhere.
 Tropical Queensland has many more bananas and cane toads than people,
 so they’re branded banana benders or cane toads.
 Queenslanders get their own back,
calling Sydneysiders cockroaches in honor of the
 omnipresent, nuclear-immune pest found around the harbor city.
South Australians --particularly early settlers -- partake in the delicacy of crow eating,
 while Western Australians spend their lives groping sand (sandgropers).

18. Ocka, yobbo

The loudmouth who’s a larrikin,
who likes the sound of his own voice, is a yobbo
 -- often a bit of a troublemaker.
 A yobbo typically has a deep Australian twang to his accent,
 in which case he’s “ocka.”

17. Put a sock in it

Tells somebody to “shut up”

16. Throw a shrimp on the barbie

In a regression to stereotype,
 Paul Hogan introduced the world to this phrase
 and in the process invited countless tourists to come over.
 Australians aren’t in the habit of cooking small people --
 a “shrimp”refers to a yabby (or more simply, a “prawn”).
 It’s a way to invite someone to your house for lunch,
 where you throw a shrimp (or a “snag,” that’s a sausage) on the barbie.

15. Do the Harry

Harold Holt was the prime minster who disappeared off Victoria’s coast in 1967.
 He did the bolt,
some say, from the responsibilities of the prime ministership.
Some suggest the (secretly communist) politician was abducted by a Chinese submarine or UFO.
More likely, he was caught in deadly currents
 and washed out to sea from Cheviot Beach, near Portsea.
 His body, however, has never been found,
 so anyone doing a disappearing act is doing a “Harold Holt.”
So, when you have to “mosey on,” or “get the hell out of here” you do the “bolt"
-- the "Harold Holt.” Or simply, you do “the Harry.”

14. Six the one, half dozen the other

It’s not quite you’re “damned if you do, damned if you don’t,”
nor is it being “caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.”
It’s when it’s 50-50 odds that whatever decision
you make will not likely affect the outcome of the situation.
 “Six the one, half dozen the other”
 means you’ll end up with a dozen, anyway.
Unless, of course, it’s a baker’s dozen.

13. Not pissing on someone when they’re on fire

Means you don’t really care about somebody.
 Even if they were on fire,
you wouldn’t do them the service of pissing on them to put the fire out.

12. Crikey, blimey

Euphemisms used to communicate amazement or surprise.

11. Oi for drongos and galahs

Chanted three times after “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie,”
 in perhaps the world’s cheesiest national cry.
 But in normal use, it’s mouthed when you disagree with what someone is doing,
 or to convey annoyance and get someone’s attention:
when you’re being a "drongo" or a "galah" --
in fact, not native birds, but someone who has “rocks in their head” --
 doesn’t know what they’re doing.

10. Blokes and sheilas

For the first time in the country’s history, a sheila was voted in as prime minster.
 The Australian language didn’t take long to coin the prime minister’s partner the first bloke.

9. Bushman’s handkerchief

Not really a handkerchief at all,
but using your hands to delicately drain the snot from your nose.

8. Onya bike. Tell your story walkin’

When you don’t want to have anything to do with someone,
 you tell him or her to get “onya bike,”
 which suggests he or she leave.
 Quite the opposite to “hold your horses,” which requests someone to stay,
 or begs their patience, similar to “keep your pants on” or
“don’t get your knickers in a knot.”
 When you tell someone to get “onya bike,”
 even if they’re trying to excuse themselves with well-concocted verse,
 you bid them to “tell your story walkin’.”

7. Lobster, pineapple, gray nurse

Australians don’t barter with lobsters and pineapples,
 but most have had at least one friend ring them up
 (or hit them up at the pub) to loan a lobster or a pineapple.
The $20 note being a sparkling red (lobster)
 and the $50 note being bright yellow (pineapple) lends itself to the phrase.
 The $100 note, a blue gray, has now been named after a shark (grey nurse)
. The less important $5 and $10 notes are often referred to as past international sporting stars
 --Pam Shriver (fiver) and Ayrton Senna (tenner).

6. Smoko, garbo, bowlo, bottlo, arvo

An “o” is the suffix to any word it can shorten
. If in doubt, throw an “o” on the end of the word and it’s bound to be Australian.
A break when you smoke is a “smoko.”
Someone who collects garbage is a “garbo.”
A bowling and community club is a “bowlo.”
 A bottle shop is a “bottlo.”
And the word afternoon, with three syllables,
 just doesn’t stand a chance: it’s evolved/devolved to arvo.

5. Have a go, you mug

The favored call of those who watch sport from budget seating.
 Heard at cricket games where batsmen block the ball too much,
 or football games where the team isn’t being inventive enough in trying to score.
 Generally refers to anyone who isn’t putting in a full effort or taking any risks.

4. Cooee

A loud, Aboriginal cry in the “outback”
that tells people where you are, assuming they’re within cooee range.
 So, if you’re not within a cooee of something,
you’re nowhere bloody near it.

3. Gone walkabout

Another piece of language (much like the accent itself)
that’s derived from indigenous culture.
The natives enjoy going “walkabout,”
 as do other Australians who enjoy traveling --
 whether it’s backpacking around Asia or following a harvest at home,
 they’re going walkabout.

2. One for the road

A last drink before going home.
 Said at bars or friends’houses before going home.
 The saying hasn’t been eradicated by the increased amount
of random-breath alcohol testing on roads.

1. Hit the frog and toad

Different to “having a frog in your throat,”
 which means having a sore throat.
And while some Queenslanders and Territorians organize whacking day outings
against the spreading plague of cane toads,
it’s not used to describe the ritualized slaying of the dreaded toad.
 Hitting the frog and toad is when you hit the road.
Get out of ’ere.




A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly,
 "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied,
 "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father.
 "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly,"
It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'


There's a babies face in this picture
Can you see it?
thanks Jayne M


The Mute Button



Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing?
 You told me he was really something special.
Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him.
 The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?
I can't believe it!
Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.
Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris,
but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing,
you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.
Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key.
It's driving me crazy.
Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?


Tonight, as I was coming home, I came to a four-way stop.
 I was about to proceed across the intersection when I heard a siren.
 I waited for an ambulance to pass in front of me on the cross street.
Just about the time he entered the intersection the car on the opposite side
of the intersection from me became impatient
 and started out into the intersection right in front of the ambulance.
 Well the ambulance swerved,
violently just missing the impatient idiot who pulled out in front of him.
But when the ambulance swerved their back door flew open
 and a box dropped out on the street.
Well, I was the only one left in the intersection.
Thinking the box might have been important,
I put my car in Park and walked out into the intersection to retrieve the box.
 I thought I might be able to get it to the ambulance somehow.
It was kind of heavy.
I had no idea what was inside.
 On the way back to my car I opened the box
. My mouth must of dropped open in amazement
. Inside the box was somebody’s big toe packed in ice.
'Oh my goodness!' I thought!
The guy who this belongs to must be in that ambulance that just went by.
 Quick as a flash I formulated an action plan.
What did I do then you might ask?
Well, I did what any responsible adult would do.
 I called a toe truck!
-- Stan Kegel


Todays Music







Stairway to Heaven

Today's Walmart picture

The Wal Mart Song

thanks Tracy M


An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses.
 He pays for the deluxe treatment. Three bath maids start working him over.
First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good,
 then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water
. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees,
 elbows and behind his ears.
Then again in the cold then hot tubs.
He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks,
 "Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"
The sailor says,
"Well I want everything I'm supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe."
The bath maid takes his pecker and balls and lays them out on a marble bench.
 While holding his pecker up,
 she then raises her right hand and with a 'Hi Yahhh' she karate chops his balls...
 causing wax to shoot out both of his ears!


1 comment:

Vinvin said...

Thanks for the Aussie Lesson, Phil.

Have a good day !