444

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Men in the Kitchen

thanks Kitty L

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Mastercard

thanks Gordon H

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New London Olympics Logo

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Award Winning Advert

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A man who was looking for a job happened to be passing by a circus one day.

 He debated whether or not to go out on a limb and apply, then thought,

 "What the hell?" and found the office

. "I'm looking for a job," he told the person inside.

"We do have an opening," the employer said.

 "We need a human cannonball."

 The man did a double take.

"It's OK," the employer said, reading the man's reaction.

 "You're fired into a hidden net so you won't get hurt."

"Well... OK!" the man said, smiling nervously.

The employer handed him an application.

 The man filled it out and handed it back.

"OK, this looks good," the employer said.

 "You're hired. Come back at 4:00 PM."

The man returned at 4:00 and was trained for his new job.

That evening he was fired from the cannon for the first time.

 He found it thrilling.

Walking home after the circus had closed for the night, the man had a thought.

Now that he was employed and was receiving substantial pay,

 his wife and teenage kids would constantly be hitting him up for money.

 He wanted to get out of this, but he didn't want to lie about having a job.

As he was turning the corner to where he lived, he had an idea.

 "How did the job search go, honey?" his wife asked him when he got home.

 His kids had also rushed up to greet him.

"I did get a job," he said, putting on a long face

, "But I got hired and fired the same day."

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At the Duplex

thanks to Corey PG

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Old Friends

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Those Funny Animals

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Surfing Bulldog

thanks Glynis G

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After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.

 Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

 "Lord... If You take away my love handles,

I'll devote my life to You," she prayed.

And, just like that..... her ears fell off.

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no words necessary

thanks Jayne M

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Merle Haggard

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To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at   Manhattan 's Radio   City   Music Hall  for the benefit of the AARP.   One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things'  from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.   Here are the lyrics she used: 



(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',

And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel so bad.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd

 that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

 
 
 

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thanks Duke

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Long ago there were two brothers, Hing and Ming.

 One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt and soon lost all of its feathers!

 The brothers decided to spend two months each trying to cure the chicken.

Hing immediately went back to the university.

 And, having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine,

 he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea.

 He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea,

and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China,

praying at the shrines of his ancestors.

 One night he had a dream.

 His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!

Ming, aware of his brother's lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity.

He gathered whole cartloads of leaves, and brewed barrels of the tea,

and nearly drowned the poor chicken over another two month period.

At the end of that time, the dismal chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing's courses, and all of Ming's kin; couldn't make gum tea re-feather a hen!

-- Stan Kegel

A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter

 became eligible to attend the day care center at the University.

The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities

. To assure herself of the center's high standards,

 the young mother asked about the curriculum.

"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling,

 "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: ...

... Play-Doh."

Punny Video

thanks Toni

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thanks Liz and Alan

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Girls Night Out

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POSTERS

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Missus Alert

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Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,

 "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection,

 I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees,no problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

 
 
 

thanks Kitty L

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know a few people who need a box of these

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Well, some people do!!!

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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

thanks Toni