Saturday, August 27, 2011

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Red Green




As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear
BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for MONTHS and has been seen
by over 25 million people. We don't want to lose any names on the list so just
hit forward and send it on. Please keep it going!
To show your support for the re-election of President Obama, please go
to the end of the list and add your name:
1. Michelle Obama

thanks Liz Z

thanks Kitty L

thanks Toni

Remember the adage:
 "Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it ."

"If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert ,
in five years there’d be a shortage of sand.”
 Milton Friedman

thanks Gordon H


 Meanwhile in Australia

I can't believe they sent my Census form back!

The Census Bureau didn't like my answer to
 'Do you have any dependents?'
I answered . .
. 12 million illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable bastards,
140,000 people in the penal establishments in Florida,
leftovers from the Iraq war
half of Afghanistan,
 some of the Liberal Party, most of the Greens
and one Sorry Ass Opposition leader
Apparently it was not an acceptable answer


Archie Roach and Sara Storer


While driving my customary route home from my duty hours in my personal car,
 which has a Ham radio capable of receiving our work radio frequency,
I stopped at the corner store to pick up some milk and cigarettes.
While I was walking to my car after just leaving the store,
a blue Chevrolet Cavalier swerved from the street, jump the curb,
 crossed 85 feet of parking lot and T-boned the passenger side of my 1990 Eagle Premiere.
I walked over to the driver of the car in order to see if he was all right ,
 and to get the insurance information from him,
 thinking of just how I was going to let him have it for wrecking my car,
 when the 6'4" man exited his vehicle, handed me a 1/4 full bottle of Canadian Club Rye Whiskey,
 and said, "Quick, get rid of this before the cops come, will ya?"
I took the bottle from him, as asked,
 and watched the look of relief on his face slowly transform into realization,
and acceptance, as he finally bothered to look closely at who he was talking to....
 I was in full uniform



Face Book
thanks Tomi



Read it all the way through! It’s a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!

When I bought my Blackberry,
I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees,
 all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures
 and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.
 I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook,
so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids
 could communicate with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for
Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix
and something that sends every message to my cell phone
 and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
 except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.
 I am not ready to live like this.
I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday
 because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.
 I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone
 I am supposed to use when I drive.
 I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife
and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.
I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board,
but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying,
 rudest person I had run into in a long time.
Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.”
 You would think that she could be nicer.
 It was like she could barely tolerate me.
She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light.
 Then if I made a right turn instead.
 Well, it was not a good relationship.
 When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets
and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy,
 the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank,
 I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.
We have had them for 4 years,
 but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once
and have to run around digging under chair cushions
 and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.
 You would think they could settle on something themselves
 but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
 I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused,
 but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them.
When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?”
 I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.”
Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
 I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered,
No, but I do toot a lot.”
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50.
 We senior citizens don’t need anymore gadgets
. The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle


Those Funny Animals


The Muppets Theme








thanks Jayne M


Marriage Proposal


Ankle biters

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton
 and pulled it over to the telephone.
He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons
 on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits.
The store owner listened to the following conversation.
The boy said, "Lady, I want to cut your lawn".
The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn".
"Lady I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person
who cuts your lawn now."
The woman responded that she was very satisfied
with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.
The little boy found more perseverance and offered,
 "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk,
 so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North Palm Beach, Florida."
Again the woman answered in the negative.
 With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.
The druggist walked over to the boy and said,
 "Son I like your attitude, I like that positive spirit.
Son, I would like to offer you a job. "
The little boy replied,
 "No thanks, I was just checking on the job I already have."

thanks Toni

A group of children is playing outdoors:
 "I have a sister and each of us has her own room," one girl says.
"I have two sisters and one brother, and each of us has a bike," a boy brags.
"Well, there are eight children in my family," another girl says,
 "and each one of us has his or her own father!"

 thanks Toni

The teacher noticed that Al had been daydreaming for a long time.
 She decided to get his attention
. "Al," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around
 and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?"
"Thirty-four," Al answered unhesitatingly.
The teacher replied, "Well, that's not far from my actual age.
 Tell did you guess so close?"
"Oh, there's nothing to it," Al said.
 "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."


There was a young student who had included a course
 on computer operation in his curriculum the coming year.
 Autumn rolled around sooner than he expected
 and he found himself enrolled in the computer class.
 "Now, class," his teacher said,
"We will address the simple matter of booting up today.
Then getting into Windows, and a program for what you intend to do.
 Word for typing, Lotus for accounting, and so forth as the year continues."
The kids were anxious to learn about a new realm of media.
 The teacher then said,
 "Class, I want you all to obtain a new mouse to use for the course this year.
How many of you already have gotten a new mouse?"
All the students except a few raised their hands.
 The teacher said,
 "Next time you report for class, I want you to have a new mouse. Understand?"
Monday, five of the six students showed up with a brand new mouse, still wrapped.
 But Jason said, "Mom told me just to bring this mouse from home."
The teacher replied,
 "Now, Jayson, that was nice of your Mom.
 But she should know by now that you can't teach an old mouse new clicks."
-- Bill Brabant


Secretary, “Sir I have the Bureau of Licensing & Taxes on line one
and the Mayo Clinic on line two.
Executive, “Give me the BLT, hold the Mayo.”
Student, “Why are all of the Spanish nobility so ordinary looking?”
Professor, “The reign in Spain falls mainly on the plain.”
Mrs. Perry, “Dear, the children want the code to unblock their computer browsing.”
Admiral Perry, “Don’t give up the chip!”

Waitress,” O.K., that’s apple pie for dessert; anything else?”
General Sam Houston,” Remember the alamode!”

thanks Duke


For those who love Aussie Rules

Forth coming events for London Olympics

thanks Peter H


A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides
 to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"


A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides
 that her headstone should have the words
 "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason,
who assures him that the headstone
will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower
to say that the headstone is ready
and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone
 to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out,
 you've left the bloody "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely
 and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason:
"There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
"E, she were thin".


..Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

thanks Jayne M
A Legal Question???

Is this statutory rape?
Or is it just a moosedemeanor.
Or just a monumental Scandal
Stop laughing! This is serious.

thanks to Kitty L and Gordon H


Fogerty and Springsteen



Peter, a well known anti-Semite, walks into a bar
 and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos.
 He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
 So Peter shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear,
 “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender,
 but not for that guy over there,” pointing to the Jewish guy.
Soon after the drinks have been handed out,
 Peter notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and calls to Peter and says, “Thank you.”
 This infuriates him and in a loud voice,
 he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jewish guy.
 But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile,
 and again says, “Thank you.”
 So Peter says to the barman,
“What’s the matter with that guy over there?
 I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except that guy,
 and all he does is smile and thank me.
 Is something wrong with him or something?”
“Not at all,” replies the barman. “He’s the owner.”


 Please Explain

Playground Faceplants


this woman walks in to a drug store
and after walking around for 10 mins or so
 looking for cotton balls
she finally gives up and goes to the window
 and asked the pharmacist ,
 do you have cotton balls?
 the pharmacist paused for a second,,
 looked at the lady and said,,, lady!
 do I look like a teddy bear?

thanks Kitty L


Beer Pranks


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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
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1 comment:

Sandee said...

Great collection this post Phil. I'm going to steal some of them, but it will have to be in a day or two. Just got home from the boat.

Have a terrific day. :)