Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Image by FlamingText.com



The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians,
 passed on from generation to generation, says that,
 “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”
However, in our more advanced societies our government
 has developed alternative strategies that are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse’s performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly,
 carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially
 more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course…

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.




thanks Kitty L


Idiots of the year


Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer,
when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver’s rear-view mirror.
”Don’t worry!” says the driver to his friend,
”Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.
First, we’ll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead.
Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!”
They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car.
He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks.
”Have you been drinking?” he asks them. ”Oh no Sir,” replies the driver.
”I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway.
Are you sure you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.
”Oh, no sir,” the drunk answers. ”We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”
”Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop,
 ”What on earth are those things on your forehead?”
”That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk.
 ”You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the patch!”


At the Duplex

thanks Corey P G


Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other,
 "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion



Those Funny Animals [Bears]

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
As his fame grew, people from all over the country
were coming to him in Minnesota for portraits.
One day while Ole was mowing the lawn,
a beautiful woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
 She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.
 She said money was no object -- she was willing to pay him $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with Lena,
 Ollie asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady,
"Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude,
but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

stolen from Miss Cellania


thanks Kitty L


thanks Gordon H


Coffee Jerks

thanks Toni



Fred had been divorced twice after his wives cheated on him,
 so he decided the only way to get a faithful wife
 was to marry someone who knew nothing of sex
. He meant nothing!
 He moved to the mountains and found himself a simple, innocent girl and married her.
On their wedding night, he told her about his "magic wand,"
and how no one else in the entire world had one.
 Sure enough, she was enraptured with the "magic" feelings it brought her.
 She and Fred were very happy.
But Fred needed to make a living, so he had to go out of town on a business trip.
 His innocent wife knew only he had a "magic wand," so he left feeling safe.
When he got home, he could tell there was something different about his wife,
 she was ready to confront him.
 "You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand," she said.
"Yes..." he started to answer.
"But I found out that Jerry has a magic wand too!" she said, clearly upset.
"Well, yeah," he stammered.
 "Jerry is my best friend, and I had two magic wands,
 so I thought I should give him one of them."
With that, she burst in to tears. "What's wrong?" Fred asked, perplexed.
"Well why," she said through her sobs, "did you have to give him the *good* one?!"


Bud Lite



thanks Kitty L


The husband and his young wife were not on very good terms.
 In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid,
so she laid a trap.
 One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend,
 and didn't inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
 "Excuse me, my dear ... my stomach,"
and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor,
 up the back stairs, into the maid's bed.
 She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently ..
. He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on top of her
. When he was finished and still panting, the wife said
 "You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light.
"No madam", said the gardener.

thanks Wayne W


Jim Whiteman

thanks Kathy W


For the Ladies






Girl Bike Fails


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee
 when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said,
 "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied,
 "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further,
 "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law.
 She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment,
 of brotherhood and silence,
passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."

thanks Liz Z



John Williamson



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