450

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10 years on

thanks Kitty L

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A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read,

 “Big Lobster Tales, $5 each.”

Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress,

 “Five dollars each for lobster tails.

 Is that correct”?

“Yes,” she said. “It’s our special just for today.”

“Well,” he said, “They must be little lobster tails.”

“No,” she replied, “It’s the really big lobster.”

“Big red lobster tails, $5 each”? he said, amazed.

 “They must be old lobster tails!”

“No, they’re definitely today’s.”

“Today’s big red lobster tails, $5 each”? he repeated, astounded.

“Yes,” she insisted.

“Well, here’s my five dollars,” he said. “I’ll take one.”

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down.

 She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder,

 leaned over close to him and said,

“Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster

------------------------

Those Funny Animals

--

Seal Man

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Once while riding the bus to work,

 I noticed a man at a stop enjoying a cup of coffee.

 As we approached the stop, he finished drinking and set the cup on the ground.

This negligence surprised me, since it seemed to be a good ceramic cup.

Days later I saw the same man again drinking his coffee at the bus stop.

Once again, he placed the cup on the grass before boarding.

When the bus pulled away,

I looked back in time to see a dog carefully carrying

the cup in his mouth as he headed for home.

----------------------

Litter

An old TV ad

thanks Toni

--

--

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Heard this on the radio yesterday

which made me think of the original 1963 hit

[Kyu was killed in a plane crash in 1985]

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WIN

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One guy asked the skydiving instructor,

 "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open,

how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered,

"The rest of your life."

-------

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Apple Prank

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A group of dentists who had been in fierce competition for some time

realized that their future depended on them joining forces.

Therefore, they gathered for a business planning meeting in a local resort

 beside a wide river that flowed through town.

The result of their planning session was a decision to set up a combined practice

 of special dental surgery aboard a boat on this river.

They believed there were two facets that would make this venture successful: first,

 it would be a very unique approach to the business of dental surgery;

second, they could use the boat as a ferry in this part of the river

 since the nearest bridge was miles away.

They immediately set about establishing this floating practice and,

 in a relatively short time, they soon had more business than they could handle.

 Their clientele found it most convenient to have their dental work

 performed as they crossed the river to the other side.

It wasn't long until their patients had devised a new name for this dental process

. The dentists involved in the venture had no idea

that their business would soon be known as the

 Tooth Ferry.

-- Gary Youngblood

----------------------

A well-off bloke decided to go into business for himself.

He fancied owning a pub, so he searched until he found one for sale in a small village.

Unfortunately, the pub was very old and the foundation was crooked.

 It would cost too much to fix.

 So the new owner decided to knock it down and build a new one.

He hired a bulldozer and cleared all the debris.

Then he spent a lot of time hauling in dirt, building it up and leveling it for the new foundation.

Some village folks were out watching him work.

 "What is that bloke doing?" asked a passerby.

 A villager replied,

"He's razing the bar to a new level."

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Bears and Macca's

thanks Toni



-------------------------------

thanks Liz and Alan

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Come for a drive

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Dumb ways to Die

 One day, death will come for us all. It is our earnest hope that when our day comes,

 we will be old men and women in comfortable beds,

 painlessly departing the realm of the flesh while surrounded,

 mourned, and celebrated by our family and loved ones.

 Unfortunately, for some people,

The Grim Reaper is much more of a jerk.

 These are their stories.

 Last September in Houston, Texas, a 35-year-old man entered

a peep show booth in an adult bookstore,

 locked the door and was found dead the next morning by the store's manager

. So what happened in there?

We're not sure, but we'll assume he had a stroke.

A 60-year old Australian woman with a collection of unusual pets

was killed by her camel after the massive creature stepped on her face.

 The camel was reportedly attempting to knock over and then mount the woman,

 behavior it had attempted several times in the past with one of woman's goats.



A 25-year-old woman was arrested in Nigeria after allegedly stabbing

 her brother to death because he ate part of a banana.

 According to her story, she was keeping the banana for someone else

 when her brother ate part of the fruit, sending her into a murderous rage.

A 25-year-old chemistry student from the Ukraine

 had an odd habit of lacing his chewing gum with chemicals

 before popping it in his mouth.

Unfortunately, he must have gotten confused when

 he dipped his gum in the chemical jar one night in 2009,

 as his bubble gum exploded once he started chewing it,

 blowing his jaw off his face.

He died from his injuries.

A 28-year old Russian man who had bet two women

 that he could sexually satisfy both of them for 12 straight hours

 reportedly "guzzled" an entire bottle of Viagra pills,

 only to fall to a heart attack moments later, according to the Russian police

A 67-year-old woman in England decided to feed her sheep

 by removing a bale of hay from the back of her motorbike to give to the flock.

 Unfortunately for her, the ravenous herd ran at her to get at the chow,

 knocking first her, then her motorbike off a cliff.

 She was killed when the motorbike fell on her.

The multi-millionaire owner of the company that makes Segway Scooters

 came to an inglorious end when he accidentally

 drove one of the devices off an 80-foot cliff near his home in England.

 The body of the tycoon and philanthropist was found in the river below.

In 1567, an Austrian who was famous for his four and a half foot long beard

became alarmed upon discovering his town was on fire,

 and started to flee the scene.

 Unfortunately, he stepped on his beard,

 twisted his head and fell, breaking his neck.

A 20-year-old Canadian man who died in a car wreck in the summer of 2010 was determined by the coroner to have been driving under the influence of alcohol As though that wasn't bad enough, the man's cell phone records determined that just before he died, he had been sending text messages as well

A 23-year-old British man passed away after consuming two tablespoons of caffeine powder and washing it down with an energy drink at a party. Had he read the label, which warned not to take more than 1/16th of a teaspoon, he would have seen that he had just polished off the equivalent of 70 energy drinks

 After a rooster wearing razor sharp blades on it's feet

emerged victorious from a cock fight in India,

it's owner attempted to force it right back into the ring.

 The bird wasn't having it though,

and instead turned on its master,

 using the blades to slash his jugular vein, killing him.

 A woman in Orlando got her neck massager tangled in her necklace,

 and it tightened around her neck, strangling her to death.

 In November of 2010, a 23-year-old man climbed over a barricade

 to reach a high perch during a Bears game at Soldier Field in Chicago.

 He fell 50 feet to a ledge below,

 and the fire department needed to use an aerial tower to retrieve his body.

 A 26-year old British man in with a severe sinus problem

tried a radical method to stop his horrible snoring,

 and shoved two tampons into his nostrils before going to sleep.

 He had also had some wine and sleeping pills,

 and when his girlfriend found him the next day,

 he had died of suffocation.

 In the summer of 2010, a group of people gathered near an isolated train bridge

 in North Carolina to try to see the ghost of a train that had gotten in a huge wreck in 1891.

 They did see something that terrified them, but it was no ghost.

 A real train rounded the bend, came over the bridge,

 and sent the group fleeing in terror.

 A 29-year-old man pushed a woman off the tracks, saving her life,

 but was struck by the train himself, and was pronounced dead at the scene.

 In a party game gone horribly wrong, an Illinois man

 began offering party guests money if they could take

 a punch from a 21-year-old young woman.

One 25 year old man took him up on the wager,

 and after getting popped in the face, took his money and began chatting with other guests.

 Moments later, he collapsed,

 and died in the hospital of a brain hemorrhage brought on by the blow.

 A 38-year-old lawyer in Toronto who was attempting to demonstrate

the safety of windows in skyscrapers deliberately threw himself against,

 and then through a plate glass window,

plunging to his death.

 In 1982, two roommates entered the desert north of Arizona,

 and began shooting their guns at a 26-foot tall Saguaro cactus.

 After the young men started blasting away at the 100 year old plant,

 a large spiny arm was jarred loose and fell,

crushing one of the shooters to death

 A New York City man opened a window in his fifth floor apartment

so he could smoke without bothering his three young children.

 Sadly, he lost his balance and fell out of the window, plunging to his death.

 In 1985, a group of Lifeguards in New Orleans

 were celebrating their first drowning-free summer in recent memory.

 Sadly, the body of a 31-year old male was found at the bottom

 of the pool's deep end as the party ended.

 Four lifeguards were in attendance.

 A woman in California was found dead in her home

after participating in a local radio station's promotion entitled "hold your wee for a Wii,"

 in which participants drank 8 ounces of water every fifteen minutes.

 The way it was supposed to work was the person who could refrain

 from going to the bathroom the longest would be awarded a free video game system.

 The 28-year-old died of water intoxication.

A 49-year-old mother was spending the night with her daughter

at her dorm at the University of North Carolina,

 she fell from the dorm room bunk, hit her head and died

 A 26-Year-old Canadian man was attempting to build a backyard igloo

 to impress the four year old son of his spouse when it collapsed on top of him.

He was thought to have died because of the pressure of the snow on his throat and chest.

 In 1998, an angry mob attacked an alleged chicken thief in Cameroon,

 and decided his punishment should be to eat what he stole.

Unfortunately, the chicken had not been cooked,

 and the unfortunate bandit choked to death on either the feathers or the bones.

A British fan of the Blackburn Rovers soccer team died in February of 2010

 after a fellow fan threw a 25 pound garbage can near him.

 Rather than catch the rubbage bin, or simply get out of the way,

 this particular fan attempted to pull off a soccer move,

 and intentionally smashed his forehead into the airborne trash can.

 He died in the hospital after suffering serious head injuries

thanks Liz Z

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Tear Jerker of the Week

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

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are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.