452

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Love Bump

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Never Assume...

A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man

 standing in the middle of the road, crying.

 He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window,

 and asks the little man what's wrong.

'I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry,' sobs the little man.

'Well,' says the trucker,

 'I can offer you a cheese sandwich, but that's as much as I can do.'

 So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off.

A bit later he has to stop again,

 because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying.

So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently -

 asks the little man what the matter is.

'I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty,' the little man bawls.

So the trucker says,

 'I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do.'

 He hands a tin of Coke down to the little man and drives off.

A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road.

Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps,

 'Yes, you little blue poof,

what planet are you from and what the F***k do you want?'

And the little man answers,

'Your driver's license, please...'

thanks Gordon H

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thanks Liz Z

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Mud Ninja

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Those Funny Animals

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A waitress became violently ill while at work and

was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room.

 In typical hospital ER fashion,

 she was placed on an examining table

 and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled,

"Please help me!"

"Sorry... it's not my table."

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thanks Wayne W

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thanks Kitty L

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The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree.

He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals

while he was the country's leader.

The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal tigers running loose,

 that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power.

This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

A butcher just out of trade school, applied for and got, a job in Northwest America,

 skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.

The first job he had was to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.

He finally got the moose cut up and put it into bags

and marked them with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc.

When he finished with the stuff he knew,

 he was left with a pile of unidentifiable parts.

At a loss as to what to do with them,

he finally put them all into one bag and labelled them

… moosellanious

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As a man ages, it is natural that his hair starts thinning.

It is a well-known fact that when a man is bald at the front of his head,

 it’s because he’s a great thinker.

Also, when a man is bald at the back of his head,

 it’s because he’s sexy.

Unfortunately, when a man is bald both front and back,

 he only thinks he’s sexy…

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thanks Kitty L

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must have scared the s....t  out of them

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Dear optimists and pessimists,

While you were all arguing over the glass being half full or half empty,

I drank it.

Sincerely,

An opportunist

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Now here is the lesson in case you missed it:

It took Yogi just ten minutes to pick up a Lady Bear,

invite her to dinner, feed her a terrific meal, and have sex

Is this bear good or what?

thanks Liz and Alan

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this is the best version of this song

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thanks Gordon H

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.