461

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A celebration of life

Life is brief

Death is forever

remember the moments

Enjoy

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A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont

when she noticed some cows.

"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.

"Not a bunch, herd", her friend replied.

"Heard of what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Of course I've heard of cows."

"No, a cow herd."

"What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"

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the Laundromat



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Those Funny Animals

thanks toni

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Rare Wombat

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Confessional

A guy goes into the confessional box.

 He finds on one wall afully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

 On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

 Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession,

 but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies,

 "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

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Gotta love this

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The death of Steve

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Only in Australia

picture taken in the Northern Territory last week

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Acouple of days ago driving to work I heard this novelty song from 1962

you may recall it, if your as old as me



you might enjoy this as well

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After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge,

a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly,

"Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady;

can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

 Then she looked around the room, smiled and added,

 "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now,

 so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later,

the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked,

 "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman.

 "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly,

 but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold,

 so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

stolen from Miss Cellania

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thanks Jayne M

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16 girls and one bike

thanks Wayne W

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 thanks Diane McV and Gordon H

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Seniors latest Motorhome

thanks Gordon H

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A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that

they would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV

and found only democrat political ads on every channel.

 The next morning he turned the TV on and found only democrat political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again

but STILL only found democrat political ads.

The next day when he still found only democrat political ads he called the store to complain.

The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have democrat political ads,

 but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right!

After looking at the TV for a while, he went outside to check the antenna.

 In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem.

The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill

and the ground rod was in the manure pile.

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Jest for Laughs

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Walmartian Mother Ship

thanks Geoff C

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thanks Gordon H

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 Yikes!!!

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Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark,

only the adders refused to obey God’s command and go forth and multiply.

“Well,” said Noah. “I’ll have to ask the Lord what to do about that.”

 And so he prayed to God and said,

“These snakes won’t go forth and multiply”

And God said, “Don’t worry.

Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs.

 Then put the snakes on the platform.”

“But how will that help the snakes?” asked Noah.

“Easy,” replied God,

 “Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!”

 A Golfer’s Diet: Live on greens as much as possible.

Stars clean themselves with meteor showers.

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

The cost of feathers has risen. Now even down is up.

Underpaid weather forecasters predicted a storm of protest.

The young pine sapling was admonished by his father. Apparently he’d been knotty.

Enjoy these words that make Lexiphiles so happy

Lexiphiles are lovers of words.

They love puns like these..

.you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish...

 or…

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A boiled egg, is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take your laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

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It will work in 2012 as well  [112]

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Car Crash Test

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thanks Liz Z

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Sewage------

A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland,

 and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

The aircraft commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving,

 and the airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the airman for his slowness and promised punishment,

the airman responded,

 "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Thule,

and I'm pumping sewage out of airplanes.

 Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

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thanks Liz Z

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Only in Wisconsin

 

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Funny Signs

Beautiful young woman

Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman

 at the other end of the bar.

"Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes,

 and put it on my tab."

When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile.

A moment later he's at her side.

"That was very kind of you," she says.

 "Won't you sit down?"

After a few minutes of small talk, she says,

"Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man,

 but I don't think you realize that I'm a professional.

 I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars.

 Now, if that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand,

 and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."

"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz.

"But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too.

 I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go upstairs."

When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says,

 "I was wondering.

 There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish."

"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz

. "And since we're both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount."

"Dammit," she replies,

"I was afraid this would happen.

 Okay, twenty percent off.

 But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any profit!"

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Job interview

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

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on this site are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.