503

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Lonely Boy

like you never heard it before

its a bit slow to get going,but wait for it

its worth it

thanks   krz

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Matt is Back!!!!!



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Those Funny Animals

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Elephant Fun

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Advice on How to clean the toilet without gloves

.-. -.. -This is simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you! 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2 Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom... 3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5 Flush the toilet three or four times, this provides a 'power-wash and rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.   9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

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Fred had been divorced twice after his wives cheated on him, so he decided the only way to get a faithful wife was to marry someone who knew nothing of sex. He meant nothing! He moved to the mountains & found himself a simple, innocent girl, and married her.

On their wedding night, he told her about his "magic wand", and how no one else in the entire world had one. Sure enough, she was enraptured with the "magic" feelings it brought her. She and Fred were very happy. But Fred needed to make a living, so he had to go out of town on a business trip. His innocent wife knew only he had a "magic wand" so he left feeling safe.

When he got home, he could tell there was something different about his wife, she was ready to confront him. "You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand," she said.

"Yes..." he started to answer.

"But I found out that Jerry has a magic wand too!" she said, clearly upset.

"Well yeah," he stammered. "Jerry is my best friend, and I had two magic wands, so I thought I should give him one of them."

With that, she burst in to tears.

"What's wrong?" Fred asked, perplexed.

"Well why," she said through her sobs, "did you have to give him the good one?!"

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Topical Cartoons

the European Crisis

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Barack Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barack goes first.

"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"?
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries".

David thinks it's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that so he asks:
"What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.
"Come on David" says Barack "what does it say?"
David replies, "Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!"

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Today's Teenagers

thanks krz

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Anti Smoking Ad from Thailand

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at the Duplex

Big Bang Theory Bloopers

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Women and Men

      A woman has pains in her lower abdomen, so she goes to the gynecologist for a check-up.  After she explains the pains to him, he says, "Let me have a look... hmm... it's quite obvious -- you aren't having enough sex, but I think I can help you." 
      He drops his trousers on the spot and they have sex

  "Now go into the next room and my colleague will give you a second opinion." 
      As it turns out, the colleague comes up with the same diagnosis, so they have sex  as well.

Then he sends her into the next room for yet another examination. 
      The third diagnosis is, "No question.  You are having too much sex!" 
      "But your colleagues said I wasn't having enough sex!"
      "Oh," says the doctor.  "Bad move.  You shouldn't listen to what the paintiing contractors say ..."

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Boys will be Boys

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A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.

They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.

“Mr Wilson” says the man, “I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000.  I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?”

Smugly the bank manager replies, “Sir, in banking, one should never assume. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks.”

“Here’s the deal.” says the man, leaning forward. “No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous.”

Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o’clock that evening.

At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.

“Mr Wilson” she purrs. “Have you got the money?”

The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.

She smiles. “Then come in.”

He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. Weighing at least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and a bikini line.

The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.

“What’s this?!” stutters the bank manager.

“My wife” says the man. “In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume.”

thanks Kevin D

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thanks David J

 

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Blind Girl on Australia's  "The  Voice"

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thanks Kitty L

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Laughter is the best vacation

An artist decided to buy a new easel. He wasn't too sure what type to get.
At the art shop they offered him two, a big one and a small one. He pondered for a while and finally decided on the lesser of two easels. -- Stan Kegel

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore.

So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

thanks Gordon H

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Find the cat?

there is one there

click on image to enlarge



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1912 /2012

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Red Greens Lawnmower



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this weeks Funny Signs

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Seniors



There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

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thanks Shelagh N

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

"Congratulations to all my friends who were born in the 1940s, 50s and 60s.

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then, after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. We drank water from the garden hose, not from a bottle.

Takeaway food was limited to fish and chips, there were no pizza shops, McDonald's, KFC, Subway or Nando's.

Even though all the shops closed at 6pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends from one bottle and no one died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy toffees, gobstoppers and bubble gum.

We ate white bread and real butter, drank cow's milk and soft drinks with sugar, but we weren't overweight because... we were always outside playing!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day, but we were OK. We would spend hours building go-karts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

We built treehouses and dens and played in riverbeds with Matchbox cars. We did not have PlayStations, Nintendo Wii and Xboxes, or video games, DVDs, or colour TV.

There were no mobiles, computers, internet or chatrooms. We had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. And we ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, too.

Only girls had pierced ears. You could buy Easter eggs and hot cross buns only at Easter time.

We were given air guns and catapults for our tenth birthdays, we rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or just yelled for them.

Not everyone made the schoo! rugby, football, cricket or netball teams. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that. Getting into the team was based on merit.

Our teachers hit us with canes, gym shoes and threw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating.

We can string sentences together, spell and have proper conversations now because of a solid three Rs education.

Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.

Mum didn't have to go to work to help Dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Joneses!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like Kiora, Blade, Ridge and Vanilla. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

You might want to share this with others who grew up in an era before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives.

thanks Joe B

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.