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Mothers Day 2013
Erma Bombeck (1927-1996)
About.com Guide
was known for her quick
wit and her wisdom about motherhood
and family life.
Here are a few selected
quotations from Erma Bombeck:
Selected Erma Bombeck
Quotations
• People shop for a
bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife.
The rules are the
same.
Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing.
Allow for room to
grow.
• The Rose Bowl is the
only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.
• Spend at least one
Mother's Day with your respective mothers
before you decide on marriage.
If a
man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot,
dump him.
• No one ever died from
sleeping in an unmade bed.
I have known mothers who remake the bed after their
children
do it because there's a wrinkle in the spread
or the blanket is on
crooked. This is sick.
• Guilt is the gift that
keeps on giving.
• Housework is a
treadmill from futility to oblivion
with stop offs at tedium and counter
productivity.
• My theory on housework
is, if the item doesn't
multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the
refrigerator door, let it be.
No one cares.
Why should you?
• Education is so
important when it comes to domesticity.
I don't know why no one ever thought to
paste a label
on the toilet tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions
for replacing
the tissue on it.
Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
• Never go to a doctor
whose office plants have died.
• I just clipped 2
articles from a current magazine.
One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off
my body in a weekend.
The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
• Seize the moment.
Remember all those women on the 'Titanic'
who waved off the dessert cart.
• Giving birth is little
more than a set of muscular contractions
granting passage of a child.
Then the
mother is born.
• I'm going to stop
punishing my children by saying,
"Never mind! I'll do it myself."
• When mothers talk
about the depression of the empty nest,
they're not mourning the passing of all
those wet towels on the floor,
or the music that numbs your teeth,
or even the
bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain.
They're upset
because they've gone from supervisor
of a child's life to a spectator.
It's
like being the vice president of the United States.
• It is not until you
become a mother that your judgment
slowly turns to compassion and
understanding.
• You become about as
exciting as your food blender.
The kids come in, look you in the eye,
and ask
if anybody's home.
• My mother phones daily
to ask,
"Did you just try to reach me?"
When I reply, "No",
she adds,
"So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still
alive,"
and hangs up.
• Shopping is a woman
thing.
It's a contact sport like football.
Women enjoy the scrimmage,
the noisy
crowds, the danger of being trampled to death,
and the ecstasy of the purchase.
• I have a theory about
the human mind.
A brain is a lot like a computer.
It will only take so many
facts,
and then it will go into overload and blow up.
• Making coffee has
become the great compromise of the decade.
It's the only thing "real"
men do that
doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity.
To women, it's on the
same domestic entry level
as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue
holder
or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.
• Graduation day is tough
for adults.
They go to the ceremony as parents.
They come home as
contemporaries.
After twenty-two years of child-rearing,
they are unemployed.
• We've got a generation
now who were born with semiequality.
They don't know how it was before,
so they
think, this isn't too bad.
We're working.
We have our attaché cases and our
three-piece suits.
I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women.
We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there.
They don't realize it
can be taken away.
Things are going to have to get worse
before they join in
fighting the battle.
• I was terrible at
straight items.
When I wrote obituaries,
my mother said the only thing I ever
got them to do
was die in alphabetical order.
• When I stand before
God at the end of my life,
I would hope that I would not have a single bit
of
talent left and could say,
"I used everything you gave me."
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Celebrities now and then!!!!!
Abert Einstein and Charles Chaplin
George Lucas and Stephen Spieiberg
Meryl Streep and Hillary Clinton
Woody Allen and Michael Jackson
Al Pacino and Christopher Walken
Chuck Berry and Mick Jagger
Jim Parsons and Rihanna
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Lets Dance
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Those Funny Animals
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Diving Giraffes
thanks to all who sent me this
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A local elementary school principal told his teachers about a
workshop
that would help them become better teachers.
One of his new teachers
decided to attend
. When she came back boy was she fired up.
She was so excited.
The principal asked what happened.
She said I went expecting to come back a
better teacher.
The first speaker was good and it was just an outstanding
workshop.
The final speaker summed it all up when she said
all you teachers
have to do is follow a simple principal.
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What I really do!!
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Golf Challenge
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A man who despised his city's Building Department
decided to
re-roof his house.
He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this,
but didn't out of spite.
He had completed most of his illegal repairs
and was
preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves
at the end of the house.
As the man
struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves,
some rotted wood gave way
underneath him.
He fell right through the hole in the roof,
but managed to grab
the edge of the eaves as he fell,
catching himself.
Unfortunately, the sudden
weight of the falling man
caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose
from the rest of the house,
resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the
ground
and getting pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves.
A neighbor
happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man.
He was alive,
but badly hurt. T
he paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in
agony.
The man's injuries were serious enough
that he spent six weeks in the
hospital recovering.
On his last day in the hospital,
the police arrived and
announced that he was under arrest
for his activities six weeks earlier.
"What!?" exclaimed the man.
"You're going to arrest me for
falling off my own roof?"
"Oh no," replied the policeman.
"We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a
permit.
That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
that the church needed
some extra money
and asked the people to consider giving a little extra in the
offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out
three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed,
the pastor glanced down and
noticed that someone
had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy
with his congregation and said he'd like to
personally thank
the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet,
elderly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked
her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor
. He told her
how wonderful it was that she gave so much
and in thanksgiving asked her to pick
out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,
pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said,
"I'll
take him and him and him."
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Love this video
you may want to watch it a couple of times
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Age is no Barrier
Johanna is 86 years old
Thanks Lanny L
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At the Duplex
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POSTERS
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Rick Mercer
love his quirky sense of humour
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The Italian
‘Secret’ to a Long Marriage
At a church in Woking , they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At
the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe,
who said
he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
to take a few minutes and
share some insight
into how he had managed to stay married
to the same woman
all these years.
Giuseppe replied
to the assembled husbands,
'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea,
spenda da
money on her, but best of all is,
I tooka her to Italy
The priest
responded,
'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration
to all the husbands here
!
Please tell us
what you are planning to do
for your wife for your 50th anniversary ?'
Giuseppe
proudly replied:
"I gonna go picka her up !"
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Law enforcement fun
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Two blondes landed at
the airport and caught a cab.
"Where are you off to,"
asked the cabbie.
"San Josie," one replied.
The cabbie corrected her pronunciation
telling her that the "J"
made an "H" sound.
As time went by he asked how long they would be vacationing.
The one
blonde replied,
"For all of Hune and Huly."
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What can you buy for $5
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Small is Good
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My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends,
some we hadn’t
seen for quite a while,
and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as
well.
All during dinner my
wife’s best friend’s four-year-old
stared at me sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly
eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for
spots,
felt my face for food,
patted my hair in
place but nothing
stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just
ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her
"Why
are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table
had noticed her behaviour
and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl
said
"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
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This weeks signs
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Helicopter Fun
PHILS PHILOSOPHY
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