Saturday, May 11, 2013




Image by FlamingText.com




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Mothers Day 2013












Erma Bombeck (1927-1996)

About.com Guide
Columnist Erma Bombeck1 
was known for her quick wit and her wisdom about motherhood
and family life.
 Here are a few selected quotations from Erma Bombeck:
Selected Erma Bombeck Quotations
• People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. 
The rules are the same. 
Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. 
Allow for room to grow.

• The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

• Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers
 before you decide on marriage. 
If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot,
 dump him.

• No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
 I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children
 do it because there's a wrinkle in the spread
 or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

• Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.

• Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion
 with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity.

• My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't
 multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
 No one cares. 
Why should you?

• Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. 
I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label
 on the toilet tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions
 for replacing the tissue on it. 
Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

• I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine.
 One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. 
The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.

• Seize the moment.
 Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' 
who waved off the dessert cart.

• Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions
 granting passage of a child. 
Then the mother is born.

• I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying,
 "Never mind! I'll do it myself."

• When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, 
they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, 
or the music that numbs your teeth, 
or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. 
They're upset because they've gone from supervisor
 of a child's life to a spectator.
 It's like being the vice president of the United States.

• It is not until you become a mother that your judgment 
slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

• You become about as exciting as your food blender. 
The kids come in, look you in the eye,
 and ask if anybody's home.

• My mother phones daily to ask, 
"Did you just try to reach me?"
 When I reply, "No", she adds,
 "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive,"
 and hangs up.

• Shopping is a woman thing. 
It's a contact sport like football. 
Women enjoy the scrimmage, 
the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, 
and the ecstasy of the purchase.

• I have a theory about the human mind. 
A brain is a lot like a computer.
 It will only take so many facts,
 and then it will go into overload and blow up.

• Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. 
It's the only thing "real" men do that 
doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity.
 To women, it's on the same domestic entry level
 as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder
 or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.

• Graduation day is tough for adults. 
They go to the ceremony as parents. 
They come home as contemporaries.
 After twenty-two years of child-rearing, 
they are unemployed.

• We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality.
 They don't know how it was before, 
so they think, this isn't too bad. 
We're working. 
We have our attach√© cases and our three-piece suits. 
I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. 
We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there.
 They don't realize it can be taken away. 
Things are going to have to get worse 
before they join in fighting the battle.

• I was terrible at straight items. 
When I wrote obituaries,
 my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do 
was die in alphabetical order.

• When I stand before God at the end of my life,
 I would hope that I would not have a single bit 
of talent left and could say, 
"I used everything you gave me." 












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Celebrities now and then!!!!!
 Abert Einstein and Charles Chaplin



 George Lucas and Stephen Spieiberg


 Meryl Streep and Hillary Clinton





Woody Allen and Michael Jackson



Al Pacino and Christopher Walken



 Chuck Berry and Mick Jagger





Jim Parsons and Rihanna





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Lets Dance







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Those Funny Animals













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Diving Giraffes


thanks to all who sent me this

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A local elementary school principal told his teachers about a workshop
 that would help them become better teachers. 
One of his new teachers decided to attend
. When she came back boy was she fired up. 
She was so excited. 
The principal asked what happened.
 She said I went expecting to come back a better teacher.
 The first speaker was good and it was just an outstanding workshop.
 The final speaker summed it all up when she said 
all you teachers have to do is follow a simple principal.




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What I really do!!



















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Golf Challenge




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A man who despised his city's Building Department 
decided to re-roof his house. 
He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to do this,
 but didn't out of spite. 
He had completed most of his illegal repairs 
and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves
 at the end of the house. 
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves,
 some rotted wood gave way underneath him. 
He fell right through the hole in the roof,
 but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, 
catching himself.
 Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man 
caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose 
from the rest of the house, 
resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground
 and getting pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves. 
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. 
He was alive, but badly hurt. T
he paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.
 The man's injuries were serious enough
 that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering.
 On his last day in the hospital,
 the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest
 for his activities six weeks earlier.
 "What!?" exclaimed the man.
 "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"
 "Oh no," replied the policeman. 
"We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit.
 That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."









One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
 that the church needed some extra money
 and asked the people to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. 
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
 After the offering plates were passed, 
the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone 
had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. 
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy
 with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank
 the person who placed the money in the plate. 
A very quiet, elderly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
 The pastor asked her to come to the front. 
Slowly she made her way to the pastor
. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much 
and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
 Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, 
pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said,
 "I'll take him and him and him."








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Love this video
you may want to watch it a couple of times







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Age is no Barrier


Johanna is 86 years old

Thanks Lanny L



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At the Duplex









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POSTERS












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Rick Mercer
love his quirky sense of humour





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The Italian ‘Secret’ to a Long Marriage

At a church in Woking, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. 
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, 
who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
 to take a few minutes and share some insight
 into how he had managed to stay married 
to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,
 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea,
 spenda da money on her, but best of all is,
I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary !' 
The priest responded, 
'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration
 to all the husbands here !  
Please tell us what you are planning to do 
for your wife for your 50th anniversary ?' 
 Giuseppe proudly replied: 
"I gonna go picka her up !"





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Law enforcement fun












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Two blondes landed at the airport and caught a cab.  
"Where are you off to,"

 asked the cabbie.  
"San Josie," one replied.  
The cabbie corrected her pronunciation

 telling her that the "J" made an "H" sound.  
As time went by he asked how long they would be vacationing.  
The one blonde replied,
 "For all of Hune and Huly."  


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What can you buy for $5




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Small is Good












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My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends,
 some we hadn’t seen for quite a while,
 and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.

All during dinner my wife’s best friend’s four-year-old
 stared at me sitting across from her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots,
 felt my face for food, 
patted my hair in
place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her 
"Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour 
and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said 
"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."







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This weeks signs




















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Helicopter Fun






PHILS PHILOSOPHY





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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
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